


A Moment to Process

by meatheadinthecraftroom



Category: Orphan Black (TV)
Genre: Alcohol, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, Family Feels, Hurt/Comfort, Punky Monkey, Some Chapters are NSFW, Terminal Illnesses, so nice that I don't have to tag this as 'bisexual sarah manning' anymore because it's CANON WOO
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-14
Updated: 2018-02-07
Packaged: 2018-08-31 01:15:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 15
Words: 41,511
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8556988
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/meatheadinthecraftroom/pseuds/meatheadinthecraftroom
Summary: As Cosima's health fades, she finds a reason to hang on - and a connection she'd never dared to hope for.





	1. Crocodile Days

**Author's Note:**

> Canon divergent from 3.10 onward. Certain major events from s4 still occur, some do not - hopefully it's clear in the text. Rated M for later chapters. A thousand thanks to herwhiteknight for the beta.

Some days, Scott could almost pretend they were back in Minnesota – days when the coughing fits were few and far between, when he could forget for one blessed second that the science was a matter of life or death. He’d close his eyes and imagine going home to his old apartment, tucked away on the fourth floor of a dusty old building, stacks of books and games cluttering every surface. If he concentrated hard enough, he could still smell the particular scent of the ancient building’s bones. It had been the first place to ever feel like his own.

Those were the good days. Other days, she was his crocodile – the ticking clock in her chest drowning out every other sound as he pushed himself harder, harder, harder. On those days, every movement, every breath was a new symptom. He counted the duration of each inhale and exhale, the minutes between sighs, the number of times her hand laid absently against her chest. 

Scott did not count the consecutive hours he had been awake; it was the only variable he didn’t care to track.

Those crocodile days, he took her vitals almost every hour, despite her protests, and charted the results carefully. It was his job, self-appointed though it may be, to see the patterns in the numbers and predict their inevitable outcomes.

And so, of course, he saw it coming.

It had been happening more and more often lately. The first few bumps and trips had been easy enough to ignore, easy enough to write off as clumsiness or exhaustion from being awake for days at a time in the search for a cure, easy enough to go on pretending. 

Until it wasn’t.

He wasn’t even sure how it happened. One moment, she was slamming her hand on the counter in frustration, pushing away from the computer screen and crossing the lab toward the bedroom. The next moment, she hit the ground hard, taking a flurry of papers and equipment down with her.

“Woah, Cosima, are you okay?” Scott was kneeling at her side in an instant as she pushed herself up to sitting, grimacing as the concrete floor dug deeper into her palms. 

“Oh shit, you’re bleeding,” he whispered, reaching up to the desk for a tissue and pressing it gently to the glistening cut on her lower lip. Cosima winced at the pressure, immediately flashing a cheeky smile to cover it. She held up her shaking hands, palms forward, showing him the scrapes. 

“These too.”

Scott shook his head in dismay. “Alright, hold on. I’ll go get the-“

“Scott,” she cut in, meeting his eyes for the first time. She grabbed the sleeve of his lab coat to stop him from standing, eyes brimming as she struggled to quell the shaking that threatened to take over. 

“I-“

“I know,” he murmured, feeling the ache in his own chest as the first tears slid down his lab partner’s face, suddenly devoid of its usual mischievous grin. He wrapped his arms around her as she finally let herself collapse, staining his white coat with blood and mascara. They couldn’t deny it any longer - she was being betrayed by the cells they spent every day probing for answers. He made no effort to stop his own tears as they trickled onto her head from above. If he couldn’t save her… no, don’t go there.

Cosima stayed wrapped in Scott’s arms long after the tears had stopped, breathing in the dust that permeated the lab and the heady scent of his aftershave. The light from the tiny, garden-level windows turned a deep burgundy and then faded. Maybe we can just stay like this. 

“Cosima…” He finally broke the silence. “I know you don’t want to think about this yet. I don’t either. I want to stay down here and work harder and collect more samples and just – something!” He broke off, rubbing a frustrated hand through his hair. “Something that will finally work. I’ve never felt more inadequate in my life. But we can’t ignore what’s happening anymore. What if this had happened when you were here alone?” His voice shook with the last question.

“I’m fine, Scott, it’s just a couple scrapes.” She brushed away his concern with a wave of her hand.

“You know damn well that’s not what I mean.” He looked at her pointedly. She stared back, looking intently into his auburn eyes as she slowly brought her hand to his face – and tweaked his nose, hard. 

“Ow!” Scott gaped for a moment as Cosima collapsed into laughter, eventually crumpling alongside her as the tension from their conversation began to drain from his body, shaking the cobwebs from his cramped limbs.

“Alright, alright,” he wheezed, wiping tears of hysterical relief from his face. “I’m starving. I’m pretty sure everything can wait ‘til after pizza. Yes?” he asked. 

“God yes,” she laughed, letting him pull her up to standing. “That’s the best idea either of us has had all week.”

*

“Cos! You down here?” Sarah clumped down the stairs, thick leather boots announcing her presence as they thumped against each tread. “Bloody hell, why’s it so dark? Hellwizard said-“ 

“I’m over here.” Sarah heard a small voice from across the room. “Just didn’t feel like turning on the lights.” 

Something in the sound of Cosima’s voice stilled Sarah’s hand on the light switch. Instead, she pulled out her phone, illuminating a tiny radius of laboratory around her as she picked her way across the room, concentrating hard on not knocking into any important equipment. 

“Christ, Cos, this comic shop’s gettin’ to you. You’re like a supervillain in your lair back here,” Sarah grumbled cheekily. Cosima’s glazed eyes slid slowly upwards to meet her gaze. Sarah’s tone immediately changed to concern. 

“Shit. What happened?” She nudged Cosima’s legs over enough to squeeze onto the couch next to her. A movie played quietly on Cosima’s laptop, illuminating her face with flashes of blue light. 

“Nothin’” Cosima slurred as Sarah scooted in close. Sarah stared at her intently for a moment before gently putting a hand on her knee and pressing into Cosima’s side, both of them facing the laptop screen. 

“Doesn’t sound like nothin’,” she said quietly, staring carefully at the screen as her stomach began to twist around itself. She didn’t mention the half-empty bottle of whiskey that sat next to the computer, though the knot in her gut gave a violent jerk – in all the time she’d known Cosima, she’d only ever seen her drink red wine.

“I didn’t know you were coming over, dude” Cosima started, tugging absently at the sleeve of her sweater. 

“Yeah, I dunno – thought I’d come check on you. That a problem?” Sarah was still trying hard not to look at Cosima, knowing her gaze would only make it harder for her to spit out whatever was so clearly wrong. She drummed her fingers on her thighs as her stomach twisted even tighter. 

“No, it’s fine, obvs,” Cosima responded, drawing out the last ‘s’ for a few seconds. Her eyes were glazed over - Sarah wondered if she even remembered which film she’d put on. The thought was more than she could bear.

“Alright, Cos.” Sarah slammed the laptop closed, flicking on the lamp behind the couch. Cosima covered her eyes and whined petulantly. “I can’t do this all bloody night. What the hell is goin’ on?”

Cosima was silent for a long moment, keeping her hand over her eyes. “Fine,” she murmured finally, draining the last of her glass and dropping it onto the coffee table with a thud. She spun one of the rings on her finger absentmindedly. 

“Sarah-“ Cosima’s voice cracked and she paused again, mouthing words without sound. Finally, she reached over and took one of Sarah’s hands in her own. Sarah closed her eyes at the contact, trying to will her heart out of her throat and back into her chest where it belonged. 

“Okay. Okay. I really didn’t know you were coming over tonight…I was going to tell you tomorrow, after I had a chance to deal with it. Process it, ya know?” Cosima swallowed. “I was going to be upbeat, be the geek monkey, make everything seem okay because I know how stressed out you are, and I know you’re not telling us everything and that scares me, because we had no idea Beth was as bad as she was until she was gone.” She could feel herself rambling, words tumbling into the space between them on the warm current of whiskey in her veins.

“I know you take this all on yourself, Sarah. You’ve appointed yourself our protector, all of us, and we love you for it. But there’s nothing you can do this time. And I know how hard that is for you.” She squeezed Sarah’s hand then, meeting her eyes for the first time. In the lamplight, Sarah caught sight of the still-healing cut on Cosima’s lip. She raised a finger towards the wound, letting it fall back into her lap before making contact. 

Cosima took another shaky breath, glancing away before continuing. “Yeah, that. I, uh… I fell, a few days ago. It’s been happening a lot. Scott saw it this time...” she trailed off, cursing as her eyes filled again. Sarah’s hand was shaking in her grasp, her eyes trained hard on Cosima, lips pressed into a taut line. 

“We ran some tests. It’s spreading, Sarah,” Cosima whispered, lower lip trembling as she fought to hold back tears. She swiped at her eyes in frustration. “It’s, ah- it’s spreading outwards from the source now. My lungs are pretty stable, but some of the polyps are starting to press on my spinal cord. That’s why my feet keep getting tangled up…I’m starting to lose sensation in them.” She finished quickly, forcing the words out before crumbling.

Silence. Cosima gathered herself enough to finally turn towards her clone, looking for her reaction. Sarah said nothing, heard nothing but a loud pounding in her ears. Her blood turned to ice water and began to drown her, filling her nose and throat as she gasped for air, clawing at the back of the couch. She felt Cosima’s hands on her face, saw Cosima’s lips moving in front of her, begging her to breathe, but heard nothing.

*

It was clear from the set of her shoulders as she set the phone down that something was wrong. 

“Honey? Who was that?” Donnie frowned as Alison shrugged off his outstretched hand. She kept her back to him as she smoothed the crisp collar of her shirt and slowly straightened each of her pearl stud earrings, fighting to control the race of her heartbeat. She rounded on him suddenly, struggling to keep any trace of emotion out of her face as Donnie sputtered. He rubbed his eye where her ponytail had whipped him.

“That was Scott.” The words fell neatly between them, clipped like coupons from the Sunday paper. “He was calling with an update about Cosima.” Alison moved past Donnie and set about busily tidying the already spotless craft room.

“And?” Donnie prodded cautiously. “Is she okay?”

“She’s fine,” Alison retorted, rearranging her multicolored craft scissors in their spinning stand. “Well, she’s alive. She’s– the polyps are spreading again. Apparently some of them are affecting her back and legs now. Oh, this doesn’t make any sense-“ She accosted a plastic drawer, neatly labeled ‘Cardstock’. “Why would anyone arrange these by size instead of by color?” 

“Ali-“ 

“These really should be in the scrapbooking closet anyway, I don’t know why I didn’t-“

“Alison.” Donnie tried again.

“What, Donnie, what?” She rounded on him with fire in her eyes. “What do you want?” 

“I’m just worried that you’re not letting yourself process this, honey.” Donnie took a step towards her and froze, watching the look of panic growing in her eyes at his approach. “I mean, the disease is spreading, Cosima’s getting sicker, we still don’t know where Delphine is, this stuff is -” he trailed off, taking another few steps towards her as Alison deflated in front of him. 

“…Heavy.” He finished quietly as Alison let herself be enfolded in his arms.

“I know.” She allowed herself to sigh, shoulders slumping into Donnie’s embrace. Opening her eyes suddenly, she stared over Donnie’s shoulder, seemingly lost in thought. She shook off his arms suddenly as she moved past him out into the basement living room, eyes slowly roving over every inch, calculating. 

“Alison…?” Donnie paused in the doorway to the craft room, deeply concerned with the sudden shift in her reaction.

“Donnie, get Helena and the kids ready,” Alison chirped suddenly, her tone significantly brighter as she turned towards him. “We’re going out.”


	2. The Warm, Living Weight of Her

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> News of Cosima's failing health has her seeking comfort in an unexpected place.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is rated M and contains NSFW content. Just a heads up!

When Sarah had finally regained the ability to breathe normally, she’d made short work of the remaining whiskey before starting in on the six pack that Felix hid in the lab fridge weeks before. She and Cosima were tangled up on the couch, curled around one another in front of the laptop screen where they’d started another movie. The alcohol had numbed the terrifying whirlwind of thoughts in Sarah’s head to a static roar. An hour ago, the threat of losing Cosima had been like hot, putrid breath on the back of her neck; now, it was a shadowed presence across the room. She focused instead on the reality of Cosima – the warm body pressed next to hers, chest rising and falling with each breath, fingers languidly dancing with her own as she fought to keep her eyes open. 

“You look like you’re fading a little bit there, Cos.” Sarah smiled. 

“Mmmm. I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Cosima mumbled with a grin, earning her a playful smack. 

“C’mon. Let’s get you ready for bed.” Sarah untangled her legs from Cosima’s and stretched, stumbling a bit as she stood. 

“Woah.” She shined a lopsided grin down at Cosima. “Think I might be a little bit drunk.” 

“You should see your hair!” Cosima giggled, staring up at Sarah’s wild mane.

“You cheeky wanker.” Sarah chuckled as she pulled Cosima up off the couch, wrapping her arm around her clone as they made their way to the bathroom in the dark, bumping into the door frame and sending both women into a fit of giggles. 

“Shhhh!” Cosima put a finger to Sarah’s lips in the dark, stumbling into her as she did.

“Cos, who the hell is going to hear us?”

“Oh…I guess there’s no one here.” Cosima grinned sheepishly before collapsing into laughter again. Sarah groaned and rolled her eyes. 

“Oh, god, you’re a giggly drunk,” she slurred. “I never woulda guessed.” 

When they’d finally managed to make their way back across the lab, Cosima collapsed down onto the bed, burrowing immediately into the comforter. Sarah smiled at her clone’s drunken fumbling as she bent to remove her boots and strip off her leather jacket and jeans. She crawled onto the bed, wrestling enough blanket away from Cosima to at least cover half of her body. Her tired muscles sunk deeper into the mattress as they lay side by side in the dark, listening only to the sounds of their own breathing, Cosima’s rasping slightly with each exhale. The giddiness of the last hour seemed to slide away as the silence stretched out into the night, leaving each to the mercy of her thoughts.

“Sarah?” Cosima’s tiny voice echoed in the cavernous silence.

“Yeah, Cos?”

She was silent for so long that Sarah began to suspect she’d drifted off.

“I’m scared.” 

Sarah’s body responded automatically – a maternal instinct that operated without any direction from her drunken mind. In an instant she was on her side, gathering Cosima into her arms and pressing her to her chest. “Shhh,” she murmured into Cosima’s ear, sloppily stroking the dreadlocks away from her face. “I’m here, Cos. I’m here. Nothing’s gonna happen to you.” She wrapped herself around Cosima, feeling just how small her clone had become as the mysterious illness ravaged her body. 

Through a fog, Sarah realized her cheeks were wet, though from her own tears or Cosima’s she wasn’t sure. She was desperate to fix it, desperate to give Cosima the cure she deserved, desperate at the thought of losing someone that had come to mean so much. “I’m here, Cos,” Sarah repeated, not knowing what else she could possibly say. She pressed a kiss to Cosima’s forehead, gently swiping away the tears with her thumb. 

“I know. Thank you.” Sarah felt Cosima’s small smile against her chest. She slid down on the pillow until their faces were level, nose crushing against Cosima’s as she kissed her cheeks, her eyelids, her temple, anywhere she could erase some of the pain that had etched its way down Cosima’s face. Her body moved on its own, pressing comfort into Cosima’s salted skin. Cosima turned into each kiss, tangling herself closer to Sarah, soaking in the warm reassurance in the face of so much uncertainty. 

Sarah paused, her lips only a heartbeat from Cosima’s, their bodies pressed so close she could almost feel each of Cosima’s rasping breaths moving through her own lungs. The moment stretched taut as they lay, noses pressed together, breathing each other’s air in the obliterating darkness of the basement lab. Sarah felt time slow around her. Her heartbeat cantered in her chest, drowning every thought.

In the smallest of movements, she closed the infinitesimal distance, brushing her lips against Cosima’s. 

They froze.

“Sarah?” Cosima breathed without pulling away. A long beat of silence. Then, a whisper: “Is this what you want?”

Sarah swallowed, mouth instantly dry. She fought the urge to pull back, to run. It was terrifying, how badly she wanted this – had wanted this since that first time in the bar, when she’d watched Cosima’s face light up as she described the science behind their relationship. She scanned Cosima’s face for a sign but could barely make out her features in the crushing darkness. She closed her eyes, riding the swell of liquid courage in her blood– and nodded slowly.

As if by instinct, the two closed the tiny gap between them at the same time, lips crushing into one another in a deep, aching kiss that seemed to fill every corner of their bodies. Sarah pressed into the kiss, hungrily drinking her in, melding. Cosima’s hand slid to the back of Sarah’s neck, tangling in her wild hair as she pulled her in even closer. Her tongue slipped through Sarah’s lips as the kiss deepened, humming her approval before Sarah could shrink from the low moan that escaped her lips. Cosima’s fingers toyed with the edge of Sarah’s shirt, grazing over the bare skin below. 

“Is this okay?” she whispered, pulling back just enough to make out Sarah’s features in the darkness. 

Sarah answered her with another insatiable kiss, placing her hand over Cosima’s as she slid their identical fingers under the hem of her shirt and across her rippled abdomen. “Yes,” she breathed, sliding her mouth away from Cosima’s lips and kissing up her jaw, nipping at her earlobe. Cosima groaned and threw her head back, revealing a stretch of perfect neck. Sarah’s mouth seized hungrily at it, trailing burning kisses from ear to collarbone, shuddering as Cosima’s hand slid further up her stomach. She felt Cosima’s nails scratching lightly up and down the length of her back, palm sliding over her waist as their kiss softened. 

Sarah laughed low in her throat as she the clasp of her bra popped open without warning. “One handed? You’re pretty good, Cos,” she murmured.

“Not my first time.” Cosima smirked, sliding her thumb over Sarah’s nipple and thrilling at the shudder she felt running through her clone’s body. 

“F-fuck, Cos,” Sarah stuttered, hips jerking forward. 

“What, no good?” Cosima’s voice rippled tauntingly as she crushed their lips together, fingers still stroking in delicious circles. 

“ _So_ good,” Sarah panted into her mouth. Cosima smiled, slipping her knee between Sarah’s legs and drinking in the animal moan that Sarah released into the kiss. Sarah felt thoughts trying to form in the back of her mind – thoughts like _clones_ and _Delphine_ and _sestra_ and _disease_ – but they were drowned out by the electricity that sparked through her core at Cosima’s touch. 

Sarah’s hips pumped fast and slick against Cosima’s thigh, desperate for more contact. In a flash, she rolled Cosima onto her back, keeping the pressure between them as she kneeled over her. She gripped the hem of Cosima’s shirt and pulled it up over her head as she wriggled out of it, tossing it to the floor. Cosima took the cue and sat up slightly to help Sarah out of her own shirt, scratching her nails up Sarah’s flushed skin.

Growling, Sarah crashed back down into their kiss, uninhibited now by the troublesome fabric as she moved her lips down Cosima’s neck to her exposed chest, kissing all the way down to her taut stomach before sliding up to take a peaked nipple into her mouth. Cosima moaned loudly at the contact and threw her head back as Sarah’s lips sucked at the tender bud, her hand sliding over Cosima’s ribs to circle the other. Sarah brought her lips back up to capture the groan of pleasure that escaped her clone as Sarah’s thigh pressed against the wet heat between her legs. 

Cosima writhed under her touch. She matched Sarah’s rhythm, hips pumping as her hands trailed to her clone’s ass, gripping hard. They groaned in unison at the increase in pressure before Cosima came up for air, breathing hard. 

“ _Fuck_ , Sarah, you’re so fucking hot,” she breathed, gripping the wild hair at the back of Sarah’s neck as her hips alone brought Cosima dangerously close. 

“Narcissist,” Sarah growled with a smirk. Cosima punished the comment with a sharp bite to Sarah’s neck, earning a gasp. 

Sarah’s hand wandered again to Cosima’s chest, feeling goosebumps rising under her touch as she resumed the kiss, deep and slow this time, breathing her in. Her fingers skated over Cosima’s nipple once more, barely grazing, though she felt the shock register below her at the touch. She slid her hand slowly downward to where Cosima’s hips pumped against her thigh, toying with the elastic barrier between them. 

Sarah dropped onto one elbow, maintaining the rhythm of her hips against her clone but replacing her own leg with her hand. She traced her fingers over Cosima’s soft thighs, grazing over the delicate lace that covered her as she broke the kiss, pulling away just far enough to look Cosima in the eye. 

“Yeah?” she whispered hoarsely. 

“ _Yes_.” Cosima nodded emphatically, tightening her grip on the back of Sarah’s neck as their lips met again, her other hand pressing Sarah’s against her as she bucked. Cosima gasped at the pressure as Sarah took the unsubtle hint and eagerly slid a finger beneath the fabric, teasing her, touching everywhere but where Cosima _needed_ her. She nipped hard at Sarah’s lower lip, punishing the delay until Sarah slipped inside, moaning at the feeling of the lake inside Cosima and the strangled cry that burst forth from her lips as Sarah slid into her.

“Sarah, oh, Jesus….” Cosima’s grip was vice-tight on the back of Sarah’s neck, already trembling.

Sarah stroked slowly, overly cautious, suddenly terrified at overwhelming Cosima’s fragile form until a groan of annoyance against her lips impelled her forward. She sped up, hips pumping in rhythm with her fingers as Cosima swelled beneath her touch. Cosima whined and dug her nails into Sarah’s back as the tingling spread up her spine, threatening to crack her open. Her limbs shook as she pumped her hips in time with Sarah’s fingers, faster, faster, _yes_. 

“Fuck, oh, God, ah..” Cosima sputtered, clawing at Sarah’s back and kissing her furiously as she flooded against her hand, waves wracking her trembling body. Her head crashed back against the pillow, panting weakly as the throbbing ebbed. Sarah resumed her earlier tender movements, kissing Cosima’s cheeks, her temples, her eyelids, soothing her as the chemical storm faded.

Cosima fought to bring her labored breathing under control as she turned to face Sarah, every muscle shaking with adrenaline and fatigue. Sarah’s hips remained pressed against her thigh, hot and insistent, soaking through in her desire. Cosima raised a trembling hand to help. 

“Shh. S’okay.” Sarah took Cosima’s outstretched hand, replacing it gently on her bare stomach. “Just…gimme a sec…” she trailed off, still peppering Cosima’s face with light pecks as she slid her own hand inside herself. 

Normally, Cosima hated the idea of a partner having to finish themselves off, but she was so tired and drunk and _oh fuck, what just happened?_ that she simply held her, watching Sarah’s blissed-out face and imagining her using the same movements she’d just used to take Cosima over the brink. 

“Fuck…maybe a literal second…” Sarah stuttered before losing the ability to speak. She tensed, hand thrusting between them, then arched her back as her eyes rolled into her skull, groaning loudly into Cosima’s shoulder. 

They lay panting in the quiet for a long moment. Cosima drunkenly stroked Sarah’s wild hair, already half asleep. Sarah turned into the warmth, pressing her cheek to Cosima’s bare chest, snuggling in as close as she possibly could. She wanted to be buried in the warm, living weight of her. Cosima wrapped her arms around her in response, nuzzling the top of Sarah’s head with her cheek as her rasping breaths turned to full-fledged snores.

* 

_Gunshots rang out behind her as Sarah sprinted across the compound. A fresh wave of panic broke through her at the sight of Helena’s blonde mane whipping around the corner ahead of her, almost too far ahead for her to keep up. Her feet pounded the dust and she choked as her hair whipped into her face. She fought desperately to keep her balance as she flew around the bend of the prison wall, gunshots ringing out again, closer this time. Skidding to a stop, her heart plummeted into her stomach as she stared ahead – Helena was gone. Sarah was trapped. Panting from panic and exertion, she whirled around as thunder crashed overhead, lightening illuminating her pursuer’s face-_

Sarah gasped, eyelids wrenching open. Her hands clutched the sheets beneath her, chest heaving as she gazed wildly around the unfamiliar room. _Where…?_ As her heartbeat slowed, she finally recognized the dingy ceiling of the basement lab, persistent gunshot sounds still ringing in her ears. She fought to bring her breathing back under conscious control as it tore through her.

A new barrage of sound erupted somewhere to her right. Sarah turned onto her side, taking in the sight of Cosima hunched over the side of the bed, clutching the sheet against her chest as the booming coughs racked her body.

“Shite, Cos. I thought the cough was getting better?” Sarah’s gravelly voice forced its way out through parched lips, her concern masquerading as annoyance.  
“It is, but this still happens most mornings.” Sarah jumped as a masculine voice answered her.

“Jesus, Scott,” she grumbled, propping herself up on her elbows to see him kneeling at Cosima’s feet. “Didn’t know you were here.” She scooted closer to her clone, laying a hand softly on her back as the cough continued tearing through her lungs. Cosima fought for breath between each cough, the intervals growing longer until the coughing finally subsided, leaving ragged, rasping breaths in their place. She smiled weakly as Scott held out a fresh tissue to wipe the blood from her lips. Only then did Sarah notice the small trash can at Cosima’s feet, already half filled with bloody tissues.

“So, Sarah, did you-“ Scott dropped off abruptly, eyes locked somewhere south of Sarah’s face. “Oh, um, I’ll just…uh…” He stumbled backwards, knocking over a half-empty suitcase as he fled the room.

“What the hell?” Sarah’s eyebrows arched in confusion. Cosima spun to face her and burst into a laugh that quickly transformed into a new chorus of racking coughs. She gestured wildly at Sarah’s torso with the hand that wasn’t occupied pressing a tissue to her mouth, eyes still glinting with mischief. Sarah glanced down, catching the meaning and-

“Oh, shit.” She grinned, glancing toward the door where Scott had disappeared in a mortified flurry. “Well, that’s gonna be fun to explain.”

Cosima waved both hands in front of her, indicating for Sarah to forget about it. She fought to bring her breathing under control before grinning at her clone.

“Don’t worry about it. I’ll talk to him later. I’ll just tell him…uh, well….” She was suddenly timid, avoiding Sarah’s gaze. “What…do you want me to tell him?”

Sarah grunted, letting herself fall back onto the pillows, throwing an arm over her eyes. She couldn’t think about that yet. Hell, she couldn’t even look at Cosima right now, not with the stress of the dream still pumping through her and the cracking sounds of Cosima’s lungs ringing in her ears. Everything she’d managed not to think about last night came roaring through at once – _sistersclonesDelphinecoughingdyingdyingdyingshe’sdying._

Sarah’s heart thundered in her chest and her breath came in ragged, shallow gasps. She felt the blankets rustle next to her, felt the sudden, calming presence of a warm body pressing up against her own. She lay completely still, allowing Cosima to arrange their bodies to her liking, wrapping herself around her and tucking her head into the crook of Sarah’s neck.

“Hey,” Cosima whispered, nudging Sarah’s jaw softly with her nose. “Sarah. Hey. Where are you?” Cosima’s voice was gentle but insistent, shaking the tangle of thoughts loose from Sarah’s mind. Sarah kept her eyes closed a moment longer, steadying herself, forcing herself to focus on something outside of her own head. The lab was quiet, filled with only the sound of the coffee machine brewing in the other room. When she finally opened her eyes, she focused for a moment on the dust motes above them, dancing in the shaft of morning light streaming through the small window.

“Hey,” Sarah finally whispered in reply, dragging her eyes down to meet Cosima’s. She looked away quickly, fighting off the threat of tears beginning to form behind her eyes.

“How are you?” Cosima asked, pulling her in even closer with the arm thrown around her waist. She seemed to be using all her strength to anchor Sarah to the bed, keeping her from floating away again. Her voice was quiet, but the gentle pressure against Sarah’s body said _I’m here_ and _you’re here with me_ and _everything’s okay_.

“Bloody hell, Cos. I’m the one who should be asking you that,” Sarah answered gruffly, wincing as she swallowed back the painful lump in her throat.

“Hey, I’m okay.” Cosima smiled genuinely at her clone. “Sorry, normally Scotty’s the only one that has to suffer through that.”

“Yeah, well, he’s suffered through more than that this morning.” Sarah’s smile was tight, not meeting Cosima’s eyes. Cosima’s laugh echoed against her chest.

“He’ll have a story to tell the other virgins, that’s for sure.” She grinned, lips pressed to Sarah’s skin. “Really though, Sarah, I’m fine,” she soothed. “This happens every morning, yeah, but it used to happen, like, every hour. The last vector didn’t stop the progression of the polyps, but it did actually manage to work wonders on my lungs. Really.” Cosima raised a hand to Sarah’s face, thumb gently stroking her cheek. “I promise. I’m okay.”

“You’re not okay,” Sarah spat, guilt suddenly bubbling up like bile in her stomach as she remembered more details from last night.

“Well, maybe ‘okay’ isn’t the right word,” Cosima conceded, gently turning Sarah’s head to face her. She spoke slowly, trying to make the words sink in. “But I feel good, is what I mean. I’m getting enough oxygen, I’m not coughing all the time anymore. Even the other stuff…” she trailed off briefly. “The harder stuff, that’s going to be okay too. Things are progressing really slowly, Sarah. We have plenty of time to figure this out.” She gave Sarah a meaningful look. “All of it.”

“Okay,” Sarah smiled genuinely, allowing herself to soften in Cosima’s embrace. She met her eyes once more. “How are you always so bloody positive?”

Cosima laughed. “I told you, I just needed a night to process.”

Sarah swallowed. “Yeah, about last night-“

“Hey, you two.” Scott appeared in the doorway, one hand pressed tightly to his eyes, the other flung out ahead of him, swinging wildly to find the door frame. “You better get up and get dressed. Alison’s gonna be here to pick you up in like half an hour.”

“Uh, what? Where are we supposed to be going with Alison?"

“Oh, yeah.” Cosima fiddled with the edge of the sheet, her face suddenly clouded. “I forgot to mention that I asked Alison if we could go shopping for something to help me out around here, so I don’t, ya know, wind up on the floor all the time.” She glanced away, looking guilty. “I didn’t realize that she’d want to go so early. Or that you…”

_Would be here_ , Sarah finished silently.

“But I wanted you to come!” Cosima answered the unspoken thought earnestly, then amended: “I want you to come. Though I guess I should have realized that Alison would want to start the day at the ass crack of dawn.” Sarah laughed, feeling her mind begin to relax. She slid a hand over Cosima’s, still picking at the sheet, and squeezed.

“Course I’ll come.” Dreadlocks pressed into her chest as Cosima grinned.

Twenty minutes later, Sarah sat on the couch in a clean shirt she’d borrowed from Cosima, lacing up her leather boots. Her hair, wild from the night before, was loosely tied in a braid at the side of her head. She groaned as her phone beeped again – the fifth text from Alison in as many minutes. Scott grinned knowingly from his spot at the counter as Sarah prodded Cosima yet again.

“Oi! Cos! Hurry up before Alison impales herself further on that stick up her ass.”

“I’m coming, I’m coming, I just have to finish my eyeliner!” Cosima called from the bathroom. “Besides, Alison should know better by now than to think I’d be on time.”

“Actually, you should probably know better than to think Alison _wouldn’t_ be on time.” Scott chimed in without taking his eyes from the microscope. Sarah couldn’t help but laugh. Somewhere in the back of her mind she felt the panic threatening to break free again – _what exactly had happened last night, and what did it mean?_ – but for now, the familiar bickering of the lab partners was enough to keep it at bay. Finally, Cosima appeared in the bathroom doorway, smirking as she gestured to her face.

“See? Worth the wait, right?”

Sarah grinned, crossing to the doorway and offering her arm for support. Cosima took it exactly as Kira often did, hand resting close to Sarah’s elbow. Sarah suppressed a thrill at her touch.

“See ya later, Scotty!” Cosima called over her shoulder. Scott merely waved a hand in response, eyes still pressed to the microscope.

*

“Took you two long enough. What in the world were you doing down there?” Alison grumbled as she lifted a tray of paper coffee cups off the passenger seat and made room for Sarah to slide in. Sarah deliberately avoided turning around to meet Cosima’s eye.

“Nothing, nothing. Cos just takes forever to do her damn eyeliner.”

“Well, at least she doesn’t look homeless, unlike some of us.” Alison retorted with a sidelong glance. Sarah swatted her in response as Cosima guffawed from the back seat. Alison smirked, resettling the tray of cups on Sarah’s lap.

“The tea’s for you, Sarah. Coffee’s for Cosima. And this one is mine,” she added, tapping the lid of the cup nearest her as she put the car in gear.

Sarah distributed the drinks accordingly while Alison pulled out onto the road. “Who’s this one for, then? Says it’s hot chocolate.”

“Oh, that’s Helena’s.”

“Helena’s coming?"

“I know, I know, four is a lot, but I couldn’t talk her out of it. She overheard me on the phone with Cosima yesterday and insisted on coming along.” Alison grimaced. “She’s with Donnie at the kids’ soccer tournament right now. They’re going to meet us there.”

“That’s good, actually.” Cosima chimed in, sipping her coffee reverently. “I haven’t seen her in forever. It’ll be good to have some sestra time.” Sarah felt a pang of guilt – she hadn’t seen Helena for more than five minutes since she’d dropped her off at Alison’s house two months ago. She was infinitely grateful for this new family she’d found, but sometimes it just seemed to add up to more people to disappoint. Again.

“Hey, where’s the mum-mobile, by the way?” Sarah asked, deflecting the guilt that threatened to swallow her whole.

“Donnie has the minivan with the kids this morning. And it is not a mom-mobile, thank you very much.” Alison retorted. Cosima giggled, slurping her coffee.

They rode in silence for a long moment, listening to the rush of highway traffic and the faint sounds of the _Godspell_ sound track drifiting from Alison’s stereo.

Cosima broke the contented silence. “Thank you for doing this, by the way, Alison.”

“Of course! Someone has to be the responsible one. Besides, it’s nice to feel helpful like this, rather than just being the Bank of Clone.”

“Oi,” Sarah chided, turning to face her sister. “You’re way more than just the clone bank. You let us all meet at your house in the beginning, you helped Beth out with getting supplies-“ Sarah couldn’t help but notice Alison flinch at the mention of Beth’s name. “Sorry. I just mean, you’ve done a lot for us. We just don’t want to disrupt your life or your kids more than we absolutely have to.”

“And I appreciate that, Sarah. But lord knows Kira’s life has been completely disrupted at this point.” Now it was Sarah’s turn to wince. “I have no right to protect my children more than Kira.”

“Hey, Kira’s my responsibility, yeah? You’re keeping your kids safe – I’m trying to do the same for her, even though that fails every bloody week lately.” Sarah shook her head. “You’re a great mum, Alison. Oscar and Gemma are lucky you’ve been there to protect them from all this.”

“Thank you, Sarah.” Alison squeezed her hand briefly. Sarah barely bit back a joke about the rare display of affection. “But you’re wrong – Kira’s not just your responsibility anymore. She’s all of ours.” Alison smiled, keeping her eyes on the road. “She’s been through a lot, but let’s face it - now she has a trained assassin, a pair of manslaughterers, and a mad scientist for aunts and uncles. No one’s coming near that little girl ever again.”

Sarah couldn’t help but laugh, knowing Alison was at least mostly right – Helena alone was enough to deter most external threats to their family. No one was eager to return her twin to that kind of violent lifestyle, but the knowledge that Helena would kill for them in a heartbeat was oddly comforting.

Alison glanced at Cosima in the rearview mirror. “She asleep?”

Sarah turned, heart swelling at the sight of Cosima curled up in the backseat, her head lolling to the side. She nodded wordlessly back at Alison.

“How’s she doing with all this?” Alison asked softly, determinedly avoiding Sarah’s eyes.

“She’s…okay, although she must be pretty wiped. She didn’t sleep much last night. We were-“ Sarah scrambled for words- “up late, and then she woke up early coughing.”

“Coughing? I thought that was better?” Alison’s voice went up an octave in concern.

“I thought that too. Scott said it _is_ better, it’s just worst in the mornings now. Sounded bloody awful to me, though…”

Alison frowned at the report. “I didn’t realize you spent the night. Why were you two up so late?”

“Nothing,” Sarah lied. Beads of sweat threatened at her hairline. “We were just drinking and ended up being up too late.”

“Drinking? You got her drunk?” Alison whisper-shrieked. “Do you know how harmful that is for someone with a weakened immune system?”

Sarah fought to keep her voice quiet. “Oi! I didn’t get her anything!” _Except maybe off_ , she thought guiltily. “She was already drunk when I got there.” Alison flashed her a look of concern. “She said she was just processing the news after the scans.”

Their pink-clad clone nodded slowly as they pulled into the parking lot, where Helena waved eagerly. Sarah grinned as Donnie and her twin clambered out of the minivan.

“Go,” Alison said with a small smile. “I’ll wake her up.”

Sarah hadn’t even closed the car door behind her when she was hit with the full force of Helena’s bear hug. “Sestra, I missed you!” Helena cried, petting Sarah’s braid fondly. Sarah’s grin grew even larger. There was still a part of her that was surprised how much she could genuinely love someone who had once made her fear for her life.

“Missed you too, meathead,” she grinned.

“Do not call me this,” Helena mumbled happily, breaking their embrace.

Sarah chucked her lightly under the chin, then crouched down and planted a kiss to the swell of Helena’s growing belly. “Hey there, babies.”

“Twins. Baby twins.” Helena corrected her.

“I know.” Sarah smiled, standing. “Just like their mummy and me, eh?”

Both grown twins turned at the sound of another door opening behind them. Alison had greeted Donnie with a quick peck on the cheek and was now opening the back door, helping a groggy Cosima unfold herself from the back seat. Helena flew around the back of the car in an instant, pulling Cosima to her feet and wrapping her in another signature bear hug.

“Cosima-sestra,” she grinned.

“Hey there, Helena!” Cosima’s cheerful reply was muffled by Helena’s blonde mane.

“Helena, be gentle,” Alison chided. “She’s not well.”

“Don’t listen to her,” Cosima whispered conspiratorially as soon as Alison turned her back to them. “I love your hugs. And I’m not gonna break.”

“Good.” Helena smiled, though she released Cosima extremely gently, keeping a hand on her arm for support.

“You guys ready?” Sarah asked the gathered clones as Donnie drove off in the minivan. “What do we wanna go with this time – quadruplets, cousins, or same sperm donor?”

“Well, we’ll probably have to talk so our accents will give away the quads thing. Let’s do sperm donor this time,” Cosima offered. She took a deep breath as they turned to face the medical supply shop. Alison grabbed her left hand as Helena curled herself around her right arm, pulling Sarah along behind her. She squeezed their hands and felt strength flowing through her from the warm pressure of her family on either side. She could do this.


	3. Predictability is a Luxury

In the end, it hadn’t been nearly as hard as she had expected. The old man behind the counter had turned out to be a retired physical therapist who recommended a few different products and turned a blind eye when Helena crashed a motorized scooter into a rack of magazines. He’d been so enchanted by their story of finding each other as adults and discovering they shared a rather prolific anonymous sperm donor that they almost felt bad for deceiving him. 

Later, in the parking lot, Cosima slumped heavily against Sarah’s shoulder as Alison paid the shop attendant and Helena loaded the trunk with their purchases. The old man had helped Cosima choose a cane covered with a galaxy pattern and a purple rolling walker for bad days. The business card he’d offered her - “in case you have any trouble” - was shoved deep into the recesses of her purse.

“Cos? You, uh, okay? You’re kinda shaking.” Sarah snaked her arm around Cosima’s waist, supporting as much of her weight as she could hold.

Cosima nodded, looking pale. “Fine. Just tired.”

“Yeah,” Sarah squeezed, swallowing her own guilt and grief. “Let’s get you home, eh?” She helped Cosima to the car, sliding into the backseat beside her. The ride back to the lab was quiet, each of them privately reeling from their confrontation with Cosima’s new reality. They remained in silence nearly all the way back to the lab until a sudden, explosive sound from Helena nearly caused Alison to skid off the road.

“Oh holy doodle, Helena, what on earth did you _eat?!_ ” Alison screamed as Sarah and Cosima each planted a hand over their noses and giggled. Helena’s grin widened.

“It is not me, it is twin babies!”

Even Alison cracked a smile at that as she rolled down all the windows. Helena’s laugh was infectious, and her detailed report on the effects of her pregnancy on her digestive system eventually had them all snickering. Alison finally acknowledged her other plans for the morning were pretty much shot and pulled into a diner parking lot, flipping down the visor mirror to fix her makeup.

“Alright, alright. Keep it together back there. I’ve already broken my ‘no clones in public’ rule for you deviants today, and besides, I think we’ve earned pancakes.”

*

It took at least five minutes of vehement arguing, but Helena finally conceded that pregnant women should not carry large boxes down tall staircases and allowed Sarah to haul the disassembled walker down the stairs to the lab. She’d wanted to stay and assemble it but was dragged away by Alison, comforted only by Cosima promising not to put it together until the next time Helena could come visit. After a round of hugs and strict instructions from Alison to rest, they were gone.

Cosima plopped onto the couch as the door shut behind her two suburban clones. “Man, I didn’t want to say anything in front of those two because I know they can’t, but I could really use a drink.”

“’S barely 10 a.m., Cos.”

“Aw man, you’re right.” Cosima’s eyes locked on the crop in the corner. “A smoke, then. Care to join?”

Sarah considered the offer as she fiddled with the post-it note they’d found on the table: _“Running errands. Back later. -Scott.”_ She could use a dose of calm right now. Even if it meant having to face what happened last night.

They smoked in silence, passing the joint back and forth with an old ease. Cosima relished the familiarity of the feeling as her high set in – she could still count on the gentle buzzing that slowly filled her cells each time she did this, though she’d never before realized that kind of predictability was a luxury. Sarah jumped next to her as she coughed into her sleeve, lungs still raw from this morning’s attack. The tension stretched taut between them, pulsing through the cloud of smoke.

“What a trip, man.” Cosima finally broke the silence.

“I know.” Sarah took a long drag. “How you feelin’?”

Cosima shrugged. “Eh. You?”

“Yeah.” Sarah avoided her gaze. The monosyllabic conversation drifted off, replaced with heavy silence that reverberated in Sarah’s ears.

“Cos, listen…”

“Sarah, don’t, it’s okay, I – “

They both jumped as the door buzzer split the silence. Scott’s heavy footfalls echoed across the lab as he descended into view. “Oh! I didn’t realize you’d be back already.” His eyes darted back and forth between the clones before catching on the cane leaning against the couch. He swallowed hard. “So…how’d it go?”

“Fine, fine.” Cosima waved away his concerned look. “You ready to get set up?”

“I, uh…I should get going,” Sarah muttered, more to herself than anyone.

“Sarah, wait-“

“No, no, I gotta pick up Kira anyway. I’ll see you later, yeah?” Sarah was halfway up the stairs without a second look before Cosima could respond. Her heavy leather boots disappeared from sight at the top of the stairs, replaced by a sudden striking emptiness.

Scott leaned awkwardly against the counter, eyebrows raised in an unspoken question. Cosima flopped back against the couch, eyes closed. “Dude, don’t even start.”

“Ohhh no, you’re not getting off that easily. What the hell happened this morning?”

Cosima groaned loudly and listed to the side, burying her face in the couch. A symphony of grumbled sounds and wild hand waving floated across the room. Scott laughed lightly as he crossed the lab and sank onto the couch next to her.

“So…that good, huh?” He flinched away as a hand swatted towards him.

“Shut up. Nothing happened.”

“Yeah, I’m sure. It’s totally normal to sleep naked when you share a bed with your sister.”

“Oh, god, don’t say sister.” Cosima groaned. “Genetic identical, raised on a completely different continent. That’s not a sibling.”

“So something DID happen!” Scott grinned and took another smack to the arm. “That’s….that’s something. I’m guessing the empty whiskey bottle I threw away this morning had something to do with it?”

Cosima groaned again, pressing her hands to her eyes. “Scott, can we please just not talk about this right now?”

“Okay, but…what does this mean? Are you guys-“

“No! Maybe…no. I don’t know. Whatever, it’s nothing.” Cosima stood, wobbling slightly. The teasing smirk slipped from Scott’s face as he jumped up, wrapping a bracing hand around her elbow.

“You okay?”

She nodded, suddenly pale. Her grip dug into his arm as he lowered her slowly back onto the couch. Brilliant white stars danced through her vision. She waited for them to fade before smiling tightly.

“I’m fine. Let’s just get to work.”

*

Bobby’s fingers hovered over her phone screen. She stared down for a moment, lips pursed as she racked her brain for the right numbers. There was a time when this came easily, was almost a routine – but that was a long time ago.

“Felix? Is that you?” A deep, angry voice with a rough Portuguese accent greeted her. “Oh, shit, no, wrong number. Sorry!” She jammed her finger onto the red disconnect button and tried again, this time without thinking, letting muscle memory do the work.

“Felix?”

“Darling!” Bobby sighed with relief at the sound of Felix’s lilting accent. “To what do I owe the pleasure?”

“Ah, well, just like old times I ‘spose. Sarah’s here.” Bobby glanced over her shoulder at the mess of dark curls that spilled out over the bar, dangerously close to resting in an almost-finished drink.

“Shit. Really? How many has she had?”

“Six or so. Came in about an hour ago.”

Felix heaved a sigh. “Give me ten minutes.”

Bobby let the phone clatter to the counter and turned back to the bar. The rough edges of Sarah’s voice carried through the room, visibly grating against the few regulars who spent most days quietly drowning themselves in hard liquor before the younger nighttime crowd flooded the bar. It had been months – years, even – since she’d had to call Felix to come reign his sister in. This was backsliding at its finest.

Felix sauntered in a few moments later, incognito behind a pair of enormous sunglasses and an oversized scarf. He settled onto the barstool next to Sarah without a word.

“Fe! It’s Felix!” Sarah shouted to the room at large. She clapped Felix warmly on the shoulder and shined a lopsided grin down at him. “What’re you doin’ ‘ere?”

“Well,” Felix starting, sliding Sarah’s glass out of the reach of her flailing hands. “Figured I’d come check on you, dear sister. You know it’s only” –he glanced at his watch – “three in the afternoon, yeah?”

“Pfffffft,” Sarah scoffed, reclaiming her glass from Felix’s grip and taking a swig. “Hair of the dog, yeah?”

“Hair of the dog,” Felix quoted, voice dripping with disdain. “Been a while since I’ve heard that excuse.” He watched her for a moment as she swirled the liquid in her glass, eyes not quite focused. His features softened. “Sarah. What happened?”

“Nothin’,” she slurred, deliberately avoiding his gaze. “Just felt like havin’ a drink.”

“More than one, as Bobby tells it. What about last night?” Felix probed, leaning closer to stop her from squirreling away. “S said you never came home.”

“Yeah.” Sarah nodded slowly, head lolling as though the motion overwhelmed her. “Guess I didn’t.”

“Sarah.” He scowled, staring her down. She was quiet so long that he made up his mind. “Fine, don’t say anything. You gonna stay here all day then? Sit and wallow?”

“Felix,” she started, voice dropping. “I…agh.” She groaned and crumpled forward, head falling heavily into her hands like intricate origami left out in the rain. He was silent for a long moment, knowing better than to interrupt her confession. Muffled sounds escaped past her fingers. “IsleptwithCosimalastnight.”

“What was that?”

Sarah rubbed at her eyes in exasperation. “I said I bloody slept with Cosima last night!” she whispered angrily, eyes dark with another wave of self-loathing. She rapped her glass on the counter to catch Bobby’s attention, gesturing for a refill.

Felix gaped, mouth hanging open. “You did WHAT?”

She groaned loudly into her nearly empty glass. “Don’t make me feel worse, Fe.”

Felix stared for another moment before flagging Bobby down with an order of his own. He swallowed heavily before continuing. “So what…what the…you and _Cosima_?”

“Yes, Felix.” Sarah spat. “Cosima.”

“What the bloody hell happened?”

She sighed heavily, still mumbling into her hands. “I don’t know. She’s…she’s sick, Fe.”

His face softened. “I know she is. But that’s not-“

“No, it’s – this is new. It’s…in her spine now, or something. I dunno. We were drunk and she was upset and it just…” She trailed off, sinking further down onto the bar.

Felix stared open-mouthed for a moment. “It’s spreading?”

Sarah nodded miserably. “She’s got a cane now,” she mumbled into her glass.

Felix’s eyes widened. “So…you’re saying you actually shagged your clone. Your dying clone. Your dying, cane-dragging clone.”

“Shut UP!” Sarah growled and buried her head lower into her arms.

“Is that all it was? Just a shag?”

“The hell does that mean?” Sarah slurred pugnaciously.

“I just mean-“ Felix laid a gentle hand on Sarah’s arm, stilling her. “It’s not like we haven’t noticed the looks you’ve been giving her for the last year, darling.”

“You’re outta your bloody mind, Fe.” She lurched sideways off the barstool, nearly knocking them both to the floor.

“Okay, okay.” Felix held up his hands defensively. “Think it’s time to take you home, yeah?”

Sarah shook her wild mane. “You go. ‘Nother round for me!” she called out over her shoulder.

“Sarah.” Felix gripped her shoulders. She shook off his hands, ignoring him. “Sarah. Sarah!”

She finally spun to face him, eyes darting wildly. Felix lifted her chin, forcing her to return his gaze. “Darling.” His voice was softer now. “You know you can’t run away from this. Not this time. Not Cosima.”

Sarah met his gaze solidly, suddenly clear-eyed. “Okay,” she whispered, nodding softly. “Okay.”

* 

Cosima stared at her phone screen for what felt like hours. Each combination of words felt more forced, more disingenuous than the last. _Why is this so damn hard?_ she wondered angrily. _It’s just Sarah_ Then – _Oh, yeah. Because it’s Sarah._ How could she possibly convey everything she felt right now into a single text that wouldn’t send her clone running off on another panicked bender? It had been nearly two weeks since their drunken encounter, and neolution had stolen all of their attention, pitching them forward into a deal that had lost them everything – nearly even themselves. 

Finally making up her mind, Cosima tossed the phone across the room, too anxious to wait for a response. She’d settled on a simple: _Just checking in. How’s it going?_ Vague, yes, but it was a start. Too clingy? Would she read too much into it? Would she think Cosima was –

The phone buzzed twice from its spot on the couch. Cosima cursed, forcing herself to take a deep breath, suddenly relieved Scott wasn’t here to see what a damn mess she was over a stupid text. She retrieved her phone from the couch and swiped it open. 

Sarah: _All good here. Look who’s cruising on two wheels!_ The second message was a photo: Sarah, grinning wildly in the foreground and holding up a pair of obviously freshly-removed training wheels, while Kira cruised by in the background on her bike, face alight with laughter beneath a bright yellow helmet.

Cosima’s chest suddenly felt far too small to contain the explosion of joy she felt at the picture. Her eyes welled up, though she ignored them. They deserved this. Suddenly it didn’t matter what may or may not lay between her and Sarah – all that mattered was that Sarah and Kira got to have these moments of regular childhood joy that had been stolen from them for so long. Cosima stared at their faces – they shared the same wide-open smile, for once unguarded, free. She’d only seen either of them smile like that a handful of times in all the time she’d known them. Suddenly, more than a cure for herself and her sisters, more even than to find Delphine, all Cosima wanted in the world was to make that smile happen more often on both those faces.

She fired off a quick reply, blinking away the tear that threatened to fall. _Wow! Go Kira!!!_

Sarah’s response was immediate: _Great, right? We’ll be by later today. She wants to tell you all about it._

She smiled at the thought, turning to head back to her desk, when-

_Her mum wants to see you too : )_

Cosima stared at the message, suddenly forgetting the mechanics involved in breathing. Relief and fear and giddiness and grief raged in her chest, each fighting for dominance as she tore her eyes away from the phone. She shook her head roughly, regaining control, and headed back to the microscope, determined to soldier on with the science even if it meant starting over. This, at least, she understood.


	4. Stubborn Streak

“Auntie Cosima!” Kira barreled down the stairs and across the lab before Cosima even had time to stand up to greet her. She crashed into her arms in an enormous hug, nearly knocking them both over. 

“Hey there, Monkey!” Cosima cried affectionately, giving her niece a squeeze as she pulled her up onto her lap. “I saw a picture of you riding a two wheeler today! That’s so cool!” Kira’s grin was infectious as she launched into the story of the morning’s biking adventures.

Across the room, Sarah paused at the foot of the stairs, grinning at the sight of Kira happily babbling to Cosima. She heard a door open to her left and waved a hand as Scott emerged, wandering over to greet her. 

“Oi oi, Scott.” They stood shoulder to shoulder, both watching the heartwarming scene unfolding across the room. 

“I’m glad you guys are here,” Scott said quietly after a moment. Sarah glanced at him without turning her head, eyebrow raised at his solemn tone. He shuffled his feet. “I mean, it’s always nice to see you, and having Kira around makes everybody feel better, but especially today.” He nodded toward Cosima. “She hasn’t slept in like…I don’t know, maybe thirty hours? She hasn’t said anything directly, but I think it’s – you know. Kendall.” Sarah’s insides twisted at the name. The grief was still so fresh. 

“And she will not stop working no matter how much I try to convince her to take a break,” Scott continued. “I was hoping you’d have more success.” Sarah glanced at him briefly before releasing the breath she’d been holding – there was no hint of innuendo in his tone. If Scott knew anything of what had been happening between them, he was definitely not letting on. 

As if on cue, Kira came bounding up to Sarah, tugging insistently on her shirt until Sarah crouched down to her eye level. “Yeah baby? What’s up?”

“Mommy,” she whispered conspiratorially. “Auntie Cosima is tired but she won’t sleep unless you lay down with her.” 

Sarah’s heart skipped a beat, then another. She resisted the urge to pound a fist to her chest to restart it. “She said that to you?”

“No,” Kira shook her head. “I can just…feel it.” 

Panic gripped Sarah’s chest for a moment. She didn’t understand Kira’s gift – none of them really did – but she certainly believed in it. She stared at Kira for a moment, wondering exactly how much her precocious daughter understood about the nature of her relationship with Cosima. 

“Oh. Uh…okay, Monkey. But today’s our day together.”

“That’s okay,” Scott chimed in. He crouched down to Kira’s level. “Kira, do you want to help me out with some experiments while your mom and aunt take a nap real quick?” Kira nodded eagerly at the offer – she hated having to wait upstairs in the Rabbit Hole. 

Sarah shot Scott a look of gratitude as he stood up. “Thanks, Scott, seriously. Just like, a couple minutes, yeah?”

Scott shook his head. “Seriously, take as long as you need. Kira’s actually a really good assistant.” He smiled and squeezed Kira’s shoulder, who beamed under his praise. Sarah’s heart thudded with guilt – it had probably been too long since Kira had spent time with any kind of father figure. Maybe this detour in their plans for the day wasn’t such a bad thing. 

“Alright, Monkey.” Sarah agreed, smiling at her daughter. “I’ll be right over on the couch okay? You listen to Scott, yeah?” Kira nodded and gave her mother a kiss on the cheek before running off to the other side of the lab. 

Sarah stood up, rubbing her temples. Cosima wasn’t the only one who hadn’t slept much lately, although Sarah had at least managed to catch a few hours with Kira last night. Sarah gazed at her clone for a moment, still bent over a microscope, taking breaks only to type a few notes on the laptop at her side. They were so different, all of them, and yet this stubborn streak was perhaps the biggest thing that united the sestras. Sarah hoped it would be enough to save them.

She crossed the lab in three quick strides, resting her head on Cosima’s shoulder from behind and wrapping her arms around her waist in an uncharacteristically public gesture of intimacy. Scott’s plea for her help had shifted her mindset, allowing Sarah to ignore her grief and confusion for the time being. For now, she didn’t care what they were, or what had happened to either of them– she just wanted Cosima to rest. 

Cosima jumped a bit at her touch, not having heard Sarah’s approach, but then relaxed into the embrace, leaning her head back on Sarah’s shoulder. “Hey,” she said softly, slumping heavily as Sarah’s touch began to drain the tension from her shoulders. 

“Hey there,” Sarah answered. “How about we take a break, yeah? Lie down for a minute?”  
Cosima was quiet for a long moment, head swimming with reasons why she _could not stop_ even as her eyelids began to drift shut. 

“Can’t.” She swallowed hard. “I hear it, Sar. The shot. Every time I try to sleep, I hear it.” Cosima’s voice wavered. “We’re starting again from scratch...I have to keep going.”

Sarah nodded against her shoulder. “I know,” she murmured. “I know. I’m so sorry, Cos. But I’ll be with you, okay? You don’t have to sleep if you don’t want, you just have to lie down for a bit.” Met with silence, Sarah tried again, whispering the words directly into her ear. 

“You’ve done a lot of good work, Cosima. But you can’t keep going if you’re knackered. And if you slip up because you’re tired, you’re gonna kick yourself later, yeah?” Cosima groaned and reluctantly agreed, spinning on the lab stool to face her clone for the first time, attempting an unconvincing smile. 

“Okay, okay. You guys win,” she muttered heavily. She cast her eyes around the room, finally landing on the walker that Helena had cheerfully assembled a few days prior. “Can you..?” she trailed off, gesturing weakly towards it. 

Sarah’s heart clenched at the toll the constant work and stress had taken on Cosima in just a few days. She rolled the purple and black device towards her clone, whose knuckles turned white almost immediately as she gripped the handles and concentrated on slowly putting one foot in front of the other. 

They had talked about this happening, they had gone shopping together, Sarah was even getting used to the click of a cane that now often heralded Cosima’s approach, but this – this visible struggle was new, and it tore at the inside of Sarah’s chest. She felt the adrenaline rising in her body, overwhelming the tide of grief; felt the familiar beat of _runrunrunrun_ that throbbed in her ears. She shook her head against the feeling. She wouldn’t. _Not again._

Cosima dropped onto the couch with a thud, even more exhausted now than a moment ago. She leaned her head back and closed her eyes, drifting off almost immediately until Sarah gently roused her, helping her to actually lay down and get comfortable before dozing off again, knowing her neck would thank her for it tomorrow. Sarah shook out a folded blanket over her small form and bent to remove Cosima’s glasses, her fingers softly brushing against the tender skin at Cosima’s temples. 

“Sarah?” Cosima slurred groggily, unable to fight the exhaustion much longer. 

“Yeah, Cos?”

“Stay with me?” The words were quiet, small, immediately taking Sarah back to when Kira was younger. Her stomach flipped over. Any worries about what they were to each other momentarily shattered. 

“Of course, love. Of course.” Sarah sat down on the couch as though someone had knocked her knees out from behind, hoping Cosima had been too sleepy to read anything into her term of endearment. 

“C’mere.” Cosima gestured vaguely, arms reaching for Sarah. She tucked herself into the curve of Cosima’s body, back pressed to Cosima’s chest as she felt arms snake around her waist. The snoring from behind was almost instantaneous. Sarah grinned, snuggling deeper into Cosima’s embrace. She glanced across the room to where Scott and Kira were both bent over something on the counter, talking intently. Kira turned towards her, feeling her mother’s eyes on her, and flashed her an enormous grin. 

Scott looked up as well, taking in the sight of the entwined clones on the couch. Sometimes, when he could tear his mind away from the details for long enough to consider the situation, their identical features still shocked him. Never in his wildest dreams did he imagine he’d one day be working on a human cloning experiment, or that he’d feel so close to and protective of the very subjects he was studying. He caught Sarah’s eye at the thought – she was clearly struggling to stay awake, struggling to watch over everyone she loved at the same time. He flashed her a thumbs up. “We’re good,” he called, just loud enough to carry to the couch. “We’re not going anywhere. You can rest.”

Sarah smiled, infinitely grateful that he understood. She trusted Scott – normally not quite enough to leave him alone with Kira, not after everything the little girl had been through at the hands of everyone caught up in this neolution mess, but the warm presence of Cosima tucked into her back and the pull of sleep was enough to soften her cynical mind for now. Scott had given up his life, his job, his friends for them. More importantly, Sarah told herself, Kira trusted him, Kira who seemed to implicitly understand everyone’s basic intentions. _They’re safe_ , Sarah reassured herself, finally letting sleep begin to lap at the edges of her mind. _They’re all safe._

*

Kira handed Scott the tool he requested as they wrapped up preparations for a new test. She was probably the most scientifically-knowledgeable eight-year-old in the country by now, having absorbed everything Scott and Cosima said over the past several months. “Now we just have to let it set for a few hours.” Scott took off his glasses, cleaning them on his shirt as he looked at Kira. “What should we do next? Want to go upstairs with me and see if Hellwizard’s gotten any new games in?” 

Kira’s answering grin transformed itself into an enormous yawn. Scott smiled. “Hey, you had a big day too, kiddo. What if you go lay down with your mom for a bit and we’ll check out those games next time?” 

“Okay,” Kira responded, her hand muffling the end of the yawn. “Thanks for letting me help with the science! It’s more fun than waiting upstairs.” Scott filed this information away to share with Sarah later as Kira hopped off her stool. Aside from finding a cure, the safety of Kira and the other Leda clones’ children was their main priority, but Scott couldn’t help but feel that that safety was coming at the expense of a normal childhood. As far as he was concerned, the adults would have to take their mature conversations upstairs while Kira helped out down here from now on, rather than the other way around.

Scott cleaned up his workstation a bit and rinsed out his coffee cup from this morning in the sink, but soon found himself with no work left to do, or at least nothing that wouldn’t make excessive noise. He glanced over to the couch, where Kira had snuggled herself into Sarah’s front and was now fast asleep next to her mom and aunt. Scott grinned at the sight. He grabbed a book from his bag and crossed to the armchair, pausing briefly to readjust the blanket that lay over the clones so that it covered Kira as well. The sound of the three of them breathing peacefully in sleep was making his own eyelids heavy. He forced his eyes open, flipping his book to the latest dog-eared page. He’d promised Sarah he’d watch out for them while she slept. It wasn’t a promise he took lightly.

*

An hour or so later, Scott snapped the book shut, growing bored with it. He wondered whether he should wake the napping trio on the couch but decided against it, although he knew he’d probably catch hell from Cosima later for letting her sleep so long. He rubbed his eyes under his glasses, pausing as he heard the click from upstairs that announced Hellwizard had granted someone access to the lab. He couldn’t help chuckling softly at the thought – he spent his days in a secret laboratory beneath a comic book shop, working on human cloning experiments and being guarded by a man called ‘Hellwizard’. His thirteen-year-old self would _definitely_ approve. 

He glanced up to see the figure coming down the stairs, raising a hand in greeting as a heavily-accented voice called out, “Hello, Scott.” He stood up as Siobhan descended the last stair, coming to stand beside him as they both stared fondly down at the sleeping forms on the couch. 

“Well now,” Mrs. S breathed, crossing her arms over her chest. “There’s something you don’t see every day.”

Scott nodded, trying not to think of how close they’d come to losing all three of them lately. He gestured to the sleeping trio to distract himself. “Actually, if you watch them for a while, it’s really cool – every now and then, Cosima sort of stirs in her sleep, I think she’s having flashbacks-” He noticed Siobhan’s slight wince and rushed on. “But every single time it happens, Sarah grabs her hand or her arm and rubs it until she settles down. All this happens without any of them waking up. It’s amazing, the unconscious synchronicity.” He beamed, then glanced down and scuffed at his shoe as he realized how that sounded. “Not that I’ve just been sitting here watching them like a creep or something. I told Sarah I’d hang out with Kira so she could nap, and then Kira got tired too and crawled in so I just sort of…” he shrugged, gesturing vaguely with the book in his hand. “Kept watch, I guess.”

 

Mrs. S turned to face him then, her maternal eyes raking over him slowly, taking in the dark circles and the rumpled flannel shirt. “You’re exhausted too, Scott. You need a break.”

“No, it’s okay,” he mumbled, shrinking under her scrutinizing gaze. “I promised Sarah I’d hold down the fort.” 

Siobhan smiled warmly at that, laying a comforting hand on his back. “You do so much for this family, Scott. I can’t tell you how much we appreciate your help and your sacrifice.” Scott grinned sheepishly at her praise. “But you need to rest too. I’ll stay with them,” she added, nodding toward the couch. “Felix is upstairs. Why don’t you two go out, get a drink or something? Take a bit of a break from all the worrying?”

“Nah, it’s okay. I don’t want to barge in on Felix’s plans.” They also had never spent time alone together that wasn’t directly correlated to some kind of Leda rescue mission, though he didn’t mention this.

“Don’t be silly, chicken. We were just stopping by to check on you all on the way back from running an errand. Besides, you both need someone you can talk to who understands how…” she searched for the right word. _“Unbelievable_ this all is.” 

He laughed – she had a point. “I can’t argue with that. If you’re sure…”

“I’m sure, love. Now go. Go have a boys’ night and forget about all this for a while.” He glanced one last time at Kira and the sisters on the couch – his sisters now, he realized suddenly, and his niece – before smiling at Siobhan and heading across the room to find a clean shirt. She returned his smile, then pulled out her phone to shoot a quick message to Felix: _Scott coming up in a minute. Take him out for a drink, would you? He needs it. No complaints. XO_

She settled into the recently-vacated armchair as her phone buzzed in reply: _Only for you, mum._


	5. Great, Irrepressible Wave

Kira was the first to wake, rubbing her eyes with one small hand and smiling blearily as she caught sight of Mrs. S in the armchair. She yawned as she gently wriggled out of Sarah’s grasp, padding over to climb into Siobhan’s lap. 

“Hi there, chicken,” Mrs. S smiled. “Have a good nap?”

Kira nodded, instantly alert. “But before that, we went for a bike ride! And mommy took the training wheels off so now I can ride on two wheels!”

“Is that so?” Siobhan listened raptly as Kira gushed about all the details of her morning. She hadn’t seen the girl this animated in weeks – time with Sarah always seem to refresh both of them. Siobhan just wished it happened a bit more consistently. 

On the couch beyond them, Sarah stirred, roused from sleep by the sound of her daughter’s voice. Siobhan caught her eye and pointed, directing Kira’s attention to her mother. 

“Hi, Monkey,” Sarah grinned. 

Kira hopped down from the Siobhan’s lap and knelt in front of the couch. “Hi mommy,” she whispered. “When is Auntie Cosima gonna wake up so we can do more science?”

Sarah crooked her finger to draw Kira closer, stage-whispering her reply. “How about we wake her up and see if she wants to come make dinner with us? I’m starving.” Kira smiled and nodded enthusiastically. “Okay babes, you go get ready to go, I’ll wake up Auntie Cos. Deal?”

“Deal,” Kira called, already bounding off to collect her coat and bag.

Sarah shifted her gaze to Mrs. S, looking at them curiously from the armchair. “That plan ok with you, S?” she called, feeling guilty that it was an afterthought. She was relieved when Siobhan nodded.

“Course, love. Cosima’s family,” she answered quietly. Sarah felt rather than heard her foster mother’s hesitation, but ignored it for now, making an effort to leave well-enough alone. Mrs. S glanced at the two clones on the couch once more before allowing Kira to drag her over to the counter to show her the experiments she’d done with Scott earlier that day. 

Sarah felt a weight lift off of her when Siobhan’s gaze finally left her. She twisted slowly in Cosima’s arms until they were nose to nose. Sarah hated to wake her. Casting a quick glance over her shoulder to ensure that Kira and S were thoroughly occupied, she planted a soft kiss to Cosima’s sleeping lips. Cosima barely stirred. 

“Cos. Cooooossss,” Sarah sing-songed, lightly walking her fingers up and down Cosima’s side. Cosima wriggled and groaned in her sleep, nuzzling her face deeper into the pillow in protest. Sarah laughed aloud – the movement reminded her of trying to wake Felix when they were young, although she would spare Cosima the cruel methods she’d often used to get him out of bed. Finally, with insistent prodding, she coaxed Cosima to open one eye. 

“Hey there,” she whispered, fighting the huge grin that fought to take over her features at the sight of her clone’s face scrunched up against the light. 

“Mmph,” Cosima grunted in reply, earning a laugh from Sarah. 

“Auntie Cosima! Are you awake yet so we can go make dinner?” Kira called, bounding up to the couch. 

“Oh, hey, Monkey,” Cosima croaked as Sarah sat up, pulling on a leather boot. “I’m up, I’m up,” Cosima mumbled softly behind her. One tattooed arm flailed in the general direction of the coffee table. “Can’t see anything, but I’m up.” 

Kira laughed and handed over the cat-eyed glasses. “Thanks, kiddo,” Cosima mumbled, finally opening both eyes and shooting her niece a smile. “Help me up?” she yawned, offering a hand to Kira who yanked with all her might, nearly sending Cosima flying as they both collapsed into giggles. 

“Hello, Cosima,” Mrs. S greeted her drily. Cosima’s laugh died on her lips. 

“Oh, ah, hi, Siobhan. I didn’t know…uh, where’s Scott?” Cosima finished, flustered.

“I sent him out to get a drink with Felix. Thought he could use a night off duty.” She turned to Kira. “Come on, love. Let’s go pull the car around. We’ll meet your mum and your auntie upstairs.” She shot a stern look at Sarah. “Five minutes.”

Sarah nodded. “Alright, mum.”

As the door shut behind them at the top of the stairs, Sarah turned back to Cosima, who seemed exponentially more alert than two minutes ago. She was twisting away at the ring in her lap again. Something inside Sarah melted against her will.

“Hey, you okay?”

“Yeah,” Cosima started a bit. She seemed surprised to still see Sarah there and pasted on a halfhearted smile as she met her eye. “Yeah,” she tried again, significantly brighter this time. “Let’s go.” 

*

Scott picked nervously at the label on his beer, letting the music drown his thoughts. Felix had chosen the place – a small bar across town from the Rabbit Hole. The music was a bit loud for Scott’s taste, though he appreciated that Felix hadn’t dragged him to an actual club. He was definitely not up to that right now. Usually, he liked being around people with wild personalities – they took up so much space, demanding so little of him. He liked being able to sit back and watch rather than having to put himself on display. He finished peeling the label from the bottle and began shredding it methodically. He suspected Felix wasn’t the type to let him get away with hiding.

“Here ya go, mate.” Felix sauntered up, clinking a second drink for both of them onto the small table. He climbed gracefully up onto the high stool. “So,” Felix started, taking a long swig of his drink. “Apparently I’m to take you out and get your mind off the science and the fact that everyone’s trying to kill us, or something.” Scott gulped as Felix swirled his drink with a lazy flick of his wrist. “Which, to my mind, means we get utterly pissed and find us each someone to go home with tonight.” 

Scott choked on his beer, coughing loudly and pounding his fist into his chest. Felix snorted. “That long, eh?” 

Scott coughed again, flinching at the sound. He took a deep breath to calm himself. _You are not a clone. You cannot get sick like that. You’re fine. Just went down the wrong pipe. You’re fine._

“Hey.” Felix leaned down, forcing himself into Scott’s line of sight. “You alright? Don’t have a fit on me. I have a reputation to uphold in this particular establishment,” he said, not unkindly.

“No, no. Fine. I’m fine.” Scott answered, cautiously taking another sip of his beer. He relaxed as the bubbles slid down his throat rather than his windpipe this time. He was surprised and a bit annoyed to find the alcohol already hitting him, a product of constant exhaustion and the fact that he couldn’t actually remember the last time he’d had a drink, now that he thought about it.

“Good.” Felix answered, voice back to its usual tone of airy detachment. “So, anyway. What should I be looking for?” 

Scott looked at him questioningly. “Well,” Felix continued, draining his second cocktail. “I can’t exactly find someone to ‘alleviate your stress’” – he winked, – “if I don’t know what type of someone you’re looking for, can I?”

Scott gaped at Felix incredulously for a moment. “Are you serious right now?”

“What?”

“We go out to a bar because your _mom_ made us, we’re supposed to be dealing with the fact that there are like ten different companies, a handful of mercenaries, and a persistent respiratory disease all trying to kill us and everybody we know, and the _first_ thing you want to ask me is ‘boys or girls’?!” The laugh burst out of him, a great, irrepressible wave that took over his body, drowning out Felix’s sputtered protests. 

“No, it’s okay, it’s fine,” Scott wheezed, waving away Felix’s explanation with his hand. “A little stereotypical maybe, coming from you, but fine. It just hasn’t happened to me in a long time.” He giggled, trying to force back another shout of laughter at Felix’s alarmed expression. He took a sip of his beer, forcing himself to breathe slowly through his nose to avoid laughing again. He suddenly felt lighter than he had in months.

“What hasn’t happened? You mean-“

“No no no, not that.” Scott amended, sensing Felix’s direction. “I mean, this used to happen to me all the time in college. I even had to make a rule about bets.” Felix’s eyebrows shot up, confirming Scott’s suspicion. “I didn’t mind when I found out somebody made a bet about which way I lean, but the loser had to pay up to _me_.” He smiled, remembering. “So far I’ve cashed in three separate times.” 

“Well, bully for you, Scotty, because you’re about to make it four.” Felix pouted.

Scott smiled. “Knew it.”

“You did not, you cheeky shit.”

“Oh, I so did, dude. You were trying to draw it out of me. I figured there had to be more in it for you than just obeying Siobhan’s orders.”

Felix groaned. “Alright, alright, fine. I asked Cosima when you two first moved here. She said you were straight, I called bullshit, and we put a tenner on it.” He grinned mischievously. “I know how to get any version of Sarah to put her money where her big mouth is.”

Scott laughed at the image. “So, what exactly was the bet?” Felix looked at him curiously. “I mean,” Scott clarified. “She bet that I was straight. What was your bet? Gay? Or just not straight?”

Felix’s eyebrows drew together in confusion. “Gay, I suppose.”

“I win again!” He grinned, draining the last of his beer. “Another?”

Felix nodded, watching Scott curiously as he returned with another round from the bar. Felix stirred his drink, popping an olive into his mouth. “So, what, you’re…bi? Or what?”

Scott nodded. “Well, sort of. Biromantic and asexual.” He smiled at Felix. “Don’t feel bad. Most of the time when this happens, I end up getting paid by both parties. Nobody ever guesses right.”

“Well, Christ, darling, how could they?” Felix sipped his drink, then set it down, resting both palms on the table and leaning towards Scott slightly. “So, walk me through it, then. What exactly is it that you’re looking for?”

Scott shrugged. “Same thing as everybody else, just, ya know, only up to a certain point.” He scanned the room for a moment before turning back to Felix. “I mean, there are probably four different people here that I’d be interested in. Not that I’d ever do anything about it without about six more of these-” he waggled the beer bottle at Felix. “But, ya know, if something develops with someone, that’s cool. I don’t really care as far as gender goes.” He shrugged. “Attraction happens on more of an individual basis for me.”

“But, asexual – so nothing physical, ever?” Felix looked aghast. “I mean, no judgement, Scotty, I just can’t imagine.” 

“I can’t imagine either.” Scott smiled gently. “Everything that you like about that, Felix – can you explain it in words?” He didn’t wait for a response. “Neither can I. I just…don’t. Kissing is good, and all that, but that’s about it for me.”

Felix nodded slowly, considering. “Well, that case,” he said, crossing his arms over his chest and raising one eyebrow at Scott. “What does a man like Scott Smith do to blow off steam?”

*

Sarah made two trips – the first, to bring the walker up, which Hellwizard graciously loaded into Siobhan’s car; the second, to flutter nervously around Cosima as she made her way up the stairs, swatting Sarah’s hands away and assuring her that she was “ _fine_ , just slow, and please just go up ahead because you’re driving me a little bit crazy, okay?”

When Sarah finally stopped buzzing around her clone long enough to take a more objective look, she saw that Cosima was, unsurprisingly, correct. She was still obviously exhausted and paler than Sarah had ever seen her, but even the short nap seemed to have done wonders for her. Sarah suppressed the urge to take her arm and instead jogged ahead to hold the car door open.

Siobhan took twice as long as usual to drive back to the safehouse, doubling back and turning erratically to ensure they weren’t being followed. Only Kira’s complaints of hunger seemed to convince her that it was finally safe to park the car. Once inside, Sarah heated up a frozen lasagna for the four of them while Kira and Cosima played in Kira’s room. Mrs. S sat at the table, drinking a cup of tea and staring into space, her thumbs rubbing mechanically at the warm ceramic mug. Sarah knew better than to interrupt her mum in that state – she settled for an occasional affectionate squeeze of Siobhan’s shoulder as she crossed back and forth through the kitchen, throwing together a salad to accompany their dinner. Things between them were mending, and Sarah knew by now that opening her mouth usually only made them worse. 

Dinner was quiet save for the ugly scrape of utensils on china and Kira’s occasional remarks about the computer game she’d taught Cosima earlier that evening. Inexplicably tense silence stretched over the four of them until Sarah announced that it was time for Kira to get ready for bed – if anyone noticed or cared that it was nearly an hour earlier than their usual time, they didn’t mention it. By the time Kira was washed, read to, and tucked in for the night, Cosima was fast asleep in Sarah’s bed, one arm flopping over the side. 

Sarah gazed at Cosima for a moment before heading to the shower, letting the warm water pound away some of the tension in her neck. Her eyes glazed over as she stared at the rivulets of water trailing down the porcelain wall, thoughts floating through her mind in incoherent bursts. She closed her eyes, leaning her head against the wall as steam filled the room, and let the images come. _Siobhan’s face, spitting the word ‘orphan’ at her, hitting her harder than Beth’s damn train ever could. Beth, everywhere. Beth in her head. Beth in the mirror. Beth at the tracks._ She still wasn’t sure she could be stronger than her. Strong for not just herself, but for all of them. For Kira, for Felix, for Helena and Alison and Cosima…

 _Cosima_. That was the other thing. Sarah traced a droplet on the wall with her finger, turning it to a streak. _Cosima, hacking up blood on the edge of the bed. Cosima, leaning on a cane just to cross the room. Cosima, laying between her legs, making Sarah feel things no one else ever had…_

Sarah’s eyes snapped open, but it didn’t stop the rush of new images, ones she’d seen only in her mind. _Cosima, kneeling in a field in front of the burned-out van where Sarah’s grandmother had been murdered just moments before; clutching the robotic brainchild of a sadistic CEO in her forceps, guiding it towards her bleeding mouth; putting the bot down, not for Felix or for Kira or even for Sarah, but for the slightest ghost of Delphine._ The last image stuck. Sarah gagged on the vision as blonde curls swam before her eyes. Delphine - the woman Cosima wanted more than anyone else, and who might be their last hope. 

Sarah sank to the shower floor as she choked on silent sobs, her body finally wringing itself out. One hand pressed to her mouth to stifle the sound of her heart breaking, emptying all of her grief and guilt and fear into the river pouring over her. She curled her knees into her chest, shivering as the water grew slowly colder.

Half an hour later, after the sobs had subsided and left only shaky breaths in their place, Sarah reached up, finding the tap without opening her swollen eyes, and turned it off. She had the brief, ridiculous instinct to just sleep here, curled up naked on the tub floor. It would be so easy just to drift off, maybe find a towel to cover up with. Only the thought of Cosima finding her like that in the morning made her haul herself over the edge. Her limbs weighed twice as much as they had this morning. She dried off quickly and climbed into the bed beside Cosima, careful not to wake her. She pressed herself up against her clone, who wrapped an arm around Sarah in her sleep, drawing her in. Sarah wept, one last, shaky sob, and was asleep.

*

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, obviously I took some artistic license with this one. Couldn't help myself (: Let me know what you think!


	6. I Know

Cosima woke with a start, feeling a heavy presence beside her. She wasn’t sure when Sarah had come to bed, nor what time it was now, only that her mouth and throat were intolerably dry. She carefully extricated herself from Sarah’s arms, scooting slowly towards the side of the bed so as not to wake her. Cosima stood gingerly and stretched, rolling her neck and rubbing at her sore back with both hands. A massage would be more than welcome, although asking Sarah may invite some unintended awkwardness. A smile crossed her face at the thought of asking Kira’s tiny hands to give it a try. The thought warmed her as she slipped on her glasses and grabbed her cane from where it rested against the nightstand, carefully picking her way to the kitchen. Halfway there, she caught movement in the corner of her eye and whipped around with a start.

“Siobhan!” Cosima cried, her free hand thudding against her chest. “Sorry, I just – you scared me,” she explained more quietly. She glanced around, growing more alarmed – Siobhan was sitting on the couch in pitch darkness.

“Sorry, love.” Mrs. S said softly. She waved one hand towards Cosima. “Come here.”

Cosima thought she heard a sniffle and felt her stomach clench. _Please don’t be crying_ , she thought, kicking herself for how selfish that was. She made her way carefully over to the couch in the dark, approaching Mrs. S like a cornered animal. She was careful to leave space between them as she sat. Her heart thudded a terrified rhythm in her ears; they hadn’t spoken more than a few words to each other since Cosima had relayed Kendall’s last words to her daughter. Siobhan reached out, taking Cosima’s hand as she turned to face her. 

“I want you to know that I’m not angry at you, Cosima,” she started quietly. Cosima stared down at her hands. “I was angry. I still am angry, but not with you or with Sarah. I’m so angry that I can hardly sleep or eat or go through the day, but I’m angry with the bastard neos who murdered my mother, not with you two.” She gave Cosima’s hand a squeeze. Cosima wondered when she’d stopped breathing and focused on resuming.

“You made a call, love. You both did. I’m so sorry that you had to make that choice, but I understand that you had to do it. And no one forced my mother to participate – she did that of her own free will.” Siobhan’s mouth twitched up in a small smile. “Her own stubborn, annoying, indomitable free will. It was her choice to go along with it, chicken. You have nothing to feel guilty about.” Cosima felt a lump in her throat at that last statement. 

“I do, though,” she choked, looking anywhere but Siobhan’s face. “I should have stopped it. I should have _done_ something!” 

“There was nothing you could have done, love. Look at me.” Cosima’s head snapped up to face Mrs. S at the sound of her command. “Cosima. There was nothing you could have done.” Tears slid unnoticed down both women’s cheeks. They were silent for a moment.

“And-“ Mrs. S added. “I’m not glad that you had to witness what happened. Scott tells me you’ve been…haunted…by it, and I’m sorry about that.” She rubbed her thumb over the back of Cosima’s hand. The movement was so familiar that for a moment Cosima was taken aback. In all the recent concern over their biology, she’d almost forgotten that despite all Sarah’s resistance to being parented, Siobhan was her mother. This was the woman who’d raised her, who’d undoubtedly held Sarah’s hand this same way countless times. This was the first person to show Sarah what it felt like to be taken care of. 

“You need to understand that when I look at you, at any of you, I see Sarah first.” Siobhan echoed Cosima’s thoughts. “I see my child. And I would never wish that kind of trauma on my children.” Her voice wavered as she continued, searching Cosima’s eyes for understanding. “But there is a part of me that _is_ glad you were there, Cosima. Glad that my mother wasn’t alone, when she…when it happened. She had someone there to be strong for, to protect. It would have made it…easier, I imagine.” Siobhan finished, her eyes welling up again at the image. 

“Sarah and I, on the other hand…” she trailed off, started again. “I said some things to Sarah that I expect she’ll never forgive me for. Nor should she. And that’s something I will have to fix somehow.” Her eyes cast downwards. Cosima squeezed her hand. “But I want you to know that between you and me, Cosima, there is nothing left that needs forgiving.”

Cosima felt a weight lift from her shoulders. She looked at Siobhan, at a loss for words.

*

“Cos? You out here?” Sarah’s darkened form appeared in the doorway. She jumped when she turned, taking in the sight on the couch. “Oh, shite, you scared me. What are you…” She trailed off, taking in her foster mother’s face in the low light. “Mum? What’s going on?” 

Siobhan wiped away an errant tear, smiling at her daughter. “Nothing, chicken, we’re just talking. Come over here.” She patted the couch between her and Cosima. Sarah’s eyes flicked between them, not quite trusting her answer but clearly not going to get any more information out of her yet. She started towards them, maneuvering around the coffee table - then yelped, arms flailing as her feet tangled with Cosima’s cane, sending Sarah sprawling face-down across both Siobhan and Cosima’s laps. She turned her face upwards at the sound of their shocked cries, looking at Siobhan’s upside-down face full of concern, and burst out laughing. 

The laugh shook through her body and into the two stunned women on the couch. Sarah sat up, rearranging her limbs, and howled. She clutched her stomach, doubling over as she cackled, rocking back and forth into Mrs. S. Cosima laughed and coughed, coughed and laughed, finally managing to get enough breath to choke out, “You kicked me in the boob, dude!” sending Sarah into a new wave of hysterics. Siobhan wiped her eyes as tears of laughter gushed forth.

“Mummy?” came a small voice from the doorway. 

All three women looked up, Sarah managing to suppress her laughter long enough to at least answer her daughter. “Hey baby, I’m so sorry we woke you up.” She hiccupped through the last word. Kira grinned at the sight of her family’s laughter and ran over to join them, jumping into Sarah’s lap and nearly knocking the wind out of her. 

“What’s so funny?” Kira asked, looking from face to face. 

“Well, basically, Monkey, your Auntie Cosima set a booby trap for me.”

“ _Booby trap!_ ” Cosima howled at Sarah’s choice of words, doubling over in a fresh wave of giggles. 

“Cosima!” Sarah smacked her clone playfully as Kira giggled. They reclined, pressed against each other on the couch as the laughter slowly drained from the room, leaving contented silence in its wake. Kira yawned.

“Okay, Monkey.” Sarah smiled, glancing at the wall clock. “It’s nearly one in the morning. Let’s get you back to sleep, yeah?” 

“But I can’t sleep now,” Kira whined, drawing out the last word.

“And why’s that, chicken?” Siobhan chimed in.

“Because I’m too hungry to sleep.” 

Sarah laughed, squeezing her daughter lightly. “Alright, Monkey.” She conceded. “How about I make us some grilled cheese, yeah? Then you’re going straight back to bed.” Kira nodded happily, sliding off Sarah’s lap to let her mother up.

“Kira, why don’t you go grab our book and we can keep reading for a bit while your mama cooks?” Kira grinned at her Auntie’s suggestion, running off to grab the book as Sarah flicked on the lamp on her way to the kitchen.

The buttered bread hissed as it hit the hot griddle, instantly infusing the safe house with a mouthwatering smell. Sarah hovered over the pan, poking at each sandwich with her spatula to ensure they weren’t touching one another. She glanced across the room to the couch, feeling warmth bubble up in her chest at the sight. Kira was snuggled up against Cosima, who was reading aloud from the novel they’d been working their way through together. Mrs. S sat on Cosima’s other side, her hand lightly resting on Cosima’s knee, head leaned back against the couch. Her eyes were closed, but Sarah suspected she was still awake, listening to the story. 

Sarah lifted the corner of one sandwich, checking the underside for the signature golden crust before turning her focus back to her family. _Please don’t take them away from me_ , she thought suddenly, surprised by the words that slipped through her thoughts without any clear recipient. She was not a praying person – never had been – but on the off chance there was anything out there, she needed this one request heard. _Please_. 

*

They made short work of the sandwiches, leaving only crumbs on the paper plates Sarah had dug out to avoid making a bigger mess. Kira was fast asleep, her head in Cosima’s lap, and a soft snuffle from Siobhan announced she had drifted off as well. Cosima turned her head, smiling softly at Sarah from the other side of the couch. “I’ll get Kira and you get Siobhan. Deal?”

Sarah nodded, smiling. She loved watching Kira and Cosima interact - it was as if two halves of her heart were finally coming together. _Woah_ , she reeled at the thought. _Go to bed, Manning, before you get weird_.

Oblivious to Sarah’s inner monologue, Cosima was scratching lightly at Kira’s scalp, whispering to her niece as she groggily opened her eyes. “Come on, Monkey. Let’s go get in bed and then mom will come give you a kiss, okay?” Kira nodded sleepily as Cosima helped her sit up. She stood, bending over to retrieve Cosima’s cane from the floor and offering it to her auntie. “Thanks, kiddo.” Cosima smiled, taking Kira’s outstretched hand and pulling herself up off the couch. Instead of dropping Cosima’s hand, Kira held on, sliding it up to her own shoulder and holding it there as she stifled a yawn. She started towards her bedroom without a second glance, walking slowly, and Cosima got the hint – _Lean on me_. 

With one hand on Kira’s shoulder and the other on the cane, Cosima turned, catching Sarah’s eye over her shoulder and shooting her a look. _Did you see that?_

Sarah gaped, watching the pair as they disappeared through the doorway of Kira’s room. It never failed to amaze her that she had been blessed with a daughter who somehow always seemed to know exactly what they all needed. Next to her, Mrs. S sat up slowly, shaking her head – she had seen it too. 

“She’s a special one, Sarah.” Siobhan looked at her daughter curiously for a long moment before flashing a weary smile. “They both are.”

Sarah nodded and stood, flustered. “Alright, mum, yeah. You good, then?”

Siobhan nodded. “Good, good. See you in the morning, love.” She pecked Sarah lightly on the cheek before shuffling off to her room.

By the time Sarah made it to Kira’s room to say goodnight again, Kira was already fast asleep once more, tucked safely under her covers. Sarah planted a light kiss to her daughter’s forehead, stroking the hair away from her face before slipping out of the room, shutting the door quietly behind her. She suppressed a yawn. It seemed that her life lately was either adrenaline or exhaustion, with very little space for any emotion in between.

Sarah paused in the doorway to her bedroom. Cosima was curled up on her side under the covers, though Sarah could see in the moonlight through the window that her eyes were still open. She crossed the room and crawled under the cool cotton sheet, scooting close until they were face to face, fingers resuming their habitual dance with one another. Sarah breathed Cosima in as a contented feeling washed over her spent body. She closed her eyes, pressing her forehead to Cosima’s. 

“I don’t know what this is between us, Cos.” Sarah murmured in the dark. “But I…” Her voice was barely a whisper. “I need it.”

She felt the hand that wasn’t holding her own rest against her cheek. “I know.” Cosima’s warm breath washed over her as she spoke. “Me too.”

*

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A couple short chapters for now. Thanks for sticking with me - more to come! Would love to hear what you think (:


	7. For All the Aching Absence

Days seemed to pass faster now, a bullet train of test after test after test culminating in yet more disappointment. The exhaustion worked its way deep into Cosima’s bones. In her dreams, she clung desperately to an icy ladder that twisted endlessly into a stormy sky. She’d lost count of how many times she’d found herself being gently shaken awake by Sarah, having collapsed on the safe house couch after dinner with the family. 

“Hey.” Sarah smiled tightly, concern etched into her features as Cosima sat up slowly, rubbing the exhaustion from her eyes. The texture of the couch was imprinted across her cheek.

Cosima dug the heels of her hands into her lower back. The pain that had begun deep in her belly seemed to be seeping outwards, working its way up her spine and down each of her legs. She’d done her best to keep this new symptom to herself, but Sarah’s experienced eye picked up on even the slightest tells. Cosima felt those hawk eyes on her now and dropped her hands, avoiding Sarah’s gaze.

“Back hurt?” Sarah’s tone was tinged with ice. 

“I’m fine.” She sensed where this was going and was not eager to rehash that particular conversation. Sarah’s concern, though well-intentioned, only brought Cosima’s mortality crashing back into her thoughts. 

“Cosima, you’re not fine.” Cosima wrenched her hand away from Sarah’s careful reach and turned away.

“I don’t want to talk about it again, Sarah. I’m _not_ going to a hospital. I’m not risking them finding me again – finding all of us.”

“But you need-“

“Sarah.” Cosima’s tone was hard, final. “Enough, okay? We’re not doing this again.”

“Everything okay in here?” Siobhan’s sudden appearance made them both jump.

“Oh, hey. Yeah. Everything’s fine.” Cosima swiveled to face Mrs. S and winced as a wave of pain set her lower back ablaze.

Siobhan’s eyes narrowed perceptively. “I see. How about I draw you a bath then, chicken?”

Cosima waved her off. “Oh, no, you don’t have to-“

“It’s no trouble.” Siobhan flashed a tight smile and turned on her heel, striding off towards the bathroom. The sound of water splashing into the tub carried out to the living room.

Sarah sighed, leaning back against the couch. She squeezed her eyes shut. It was a long moment before either of them spoke. 

“Okay.” She sighed again. “I’m sorry for bringing it up, Cos. I just…I can’t…”

“I know.” Cosima cut in, turning to face Sarah once more. “I’m sorry. I just…I don’t want to think about it. I know you’re just trying to help. And besides-“ she smiled “-between you and Siobhan, I’m perfectly well taken care of.”

“Yeah.” Sarah smiled in spite of herself. “S does draw a nice bath. Used to do that every night when I was pregnant with Kira. Helps a lot with the back pain.”

Cosima smiled tightly. “I’ll bet.”

Sarah studied her carefully for a moment. “Hey… you okay?” 

“Yeah, fine.” Cosima’s voice was thick with emotion. “Just…missed that, ya know? Having someone look out for you like that.”

Sarah nodded thoughtfully. She reached for Cosima’s hand. 

“Cos…” Sarah trailed off suddenly, unsure of this territory. “Have you…have you told your parents you’re sick?”

“ _Parent_ ,” Cosima corrected. “Singular. And no, I haven’t told her.”

Sarah was quiet for a moment, taking in this new bit of information. “Why not?” 

Cosima shook her head sadly. Her voice seemed to shrink inside her throat. “I just…she doesn’t need that.”

“Cosima, love-“ Siobhan appeared once more in the doorway, smiling at the sight of their hands clasped together. “Tub’s ready.”

Cosima swallowed thickly before turning to face Siobhan with a heavy smile. She reached for her cane, carefully arranging her limbs before standing. “Thanks, Siobhan, that’s… thank you.”

“’Course, love.” Siobhan smiled. “Take your time.”

Moments later, Cosima groaned in pleasure as she lowered herself into the steaming tub. The warm water soaked into her exhausted muscles, soothing the ache that had set in a few days prior and refused to leave. Her shoulders softened, easing lower into the exquisite warmth. God, she’d missed this feeling. It had been forever since she’d had a bath, not since – well, not since Shay.

Cosima frowned, puffing air through her nostrils. She hadn’t thought of Shay in months, not since they’d split up a few days after Delphine had showed up at her apartment. Cosima could see how Delphine may not have come off as entirely sane in their encounters, and when she’d made it clear that she was still hopelessly in love, the relationship had pretty much ended itself. 

She leaned her head back against the cold porcelain of the tub. The walls in her mind began to crack as her body relaxed, letting in the thought she hadn’t allowed herself to focus on yet. Or rather, the name.

_Delphine_.

“Where are you?” Cosima whispered, closing her eyes. Memories seemed to swirl up around her in the steam – running madly through a stone tunnel, the cold air searing through her lungs, warm hand tucked in hers; a million stolen kisses, pressed up against the counter or the wall or the couch in the lab; the shouting, the tears, the sickening feeling of her stomach dropping to her knees with the revelation of betrayal after betrayal. 

Cosima pressed the heels of her hands to her eyes to rub the images away, smudging her otherwise impeccable eyeliner. She still loved her – of course she still loved her. Delphine had been her first great love, the first person to steal both her heart and her mind, the first person that made the word ‘soulmate’ feel right in her mouth. They were born from the same star. 

_And yet_ , she thought. _You can’t trust her._

That was what it came down to. For all the love there, for all the aching absence, for all the times Delphine had saved her life and the lives of her sisters – Cosima was still not sure she couldn’t be bought.

The acknowledgement hit her in the gut. She needed to find her. She needed to see her alive, to talk to her, to deal with this. She understood that so many times, they’d been arguing for the same thing in different ways, and maybe that could be enough for someone else. But she knew. A tear slid down her cheek. Delphine was her first great love, yes, not to mention the person she needed to help save her life – but what had happened between them could not be undone.

The unfairness of it all choked her, squeezing its way into her chest, her throat, her eyes. She forced herself to take a deep breath, then another, counting each inhale and exhale. The relaxing warmth was now oppressively hot, making her skin burn. She pulled the plug from the drain, focusing on the swirl of the water as her breath slowed. Better. 

Not until the tub was nearly empty did she begin unfolding herself, limbs suddenly leaden from the warmth and exhaustion. She swiveled, bracing her back against the side of the tub and hauling herself up to the edge. Her breath came in ragged gasps, head sinking down toward her knees. 

_Shit. Apparently baths are now a problem._

She dragged her eyes open, fighting off the fatigue as she used her hands to scoop one leg at a time over the edge of the tub. She grabbed the towel from the rack beside her and wrapped it around her chest before slouching sideways against the shower wall, utterly spent.

A soft knock at the door roused her. 

“Wha-?”

“Just me, Cos. Can I come in?”

“Huh? Oh. Uh, yeah.” She sat up straighter, marginally more awake at the sound of Sarah’s voice.

Sarah poked her head through the door, flashing Cosima a smile. “Just checkin’ on you. You’ve been in here over an hour.”

Cosima rubbed her eyes. “Yeah, fine. Just…ya know. Thinking.” Sarah’s smile faltered at her tone. _Shit shit shit_. “No, not like…it’s okay.” She flashed a reassuring smile. “Plus, the hot water felt amazing.” 

The corners of Sarah’s lips crept back up. “You need a hand or you good?”

“Ah, yeah. A hand would be nice.” Cosima grinned sheepishly. “I think I may have melted in there, actually.” 

Sarah laughed softly as she crossed to the tub. Cosima breathed in the soft scent of Sarah’s hair as she wrapped her arms around her. She felt strong arms tighten around her waist as her legs shook violently, knees buckling against the cold porcelain.

“Woah, woah, let’s try that again.” Sarah lowered her gently back down onto the side of the tub. “You weren’t kiddin’ about melting, huh?” Cosima slumped against Sarah’s chest with a heavy breath, steadying herself as Sarah scooped one arm behind her knees. 

“Legs,” Cosima mumbled.

“What?”

“Use your legs, not your back.” Her words were muffled against Sarah’s chest. The overwhelming weakness in her body tugged at her consciousness, lulling her towards the warm embrace of sleep. She felt Sarah’s nod above her as she was lifted into the air.

Sarah maneuvered carefully through the doorway and laid Cosima down gently on the bed, keeping the towel over her like a blanket. Cosima felt soft flannel catch on her still-damp legs as Sarah pulled a pair of warm pajamas onto her, rolling her hips from side to side to slide them up. She allowed herself to be pulled up to sitting and weakly lifted each arm as Sarah tugged a shirt over her head. Sarah’s forearm flexed against her back, holding her upright as she tugged the sheets down before gently helping her back onto the pillow. She felt the blankets slide out from beneath her legs before being gently replaced over her, wrapping her in their warmth.

“Sarah?” The word was barely distinguishable beneath a heavy wheeze. She heard Sarah rummaging in the nightstand drawer, felt one of several smooth plastic inhalers being pressed into her hand. 

“This first, then you can tell me,” Sarah soothed quietly. Cosima nodded, keeping her eyes closed as she inhaled, shooting the aerated medicine into her mouth. She held her breath until a cough broke her concentration, clearing her shuttered lungs. She repeated the process, testing the effects with a shaky inhale. 

“Better,” she breathed. Her eyes fluttered open for a moment, gazing up at Sarah leaning over her. Sarah – solid, steady, here. Cosima’s voice was small. “Sarah…what were you like as a kid?”

Sarah laughed quietly as her thumb traced gentle spirals over the back of Cosima’s hand. “You’re better off askin’ Fe about that, honestly. He’s got some stories that I bet you’d get a kick out of.”

Cosima smiled, closing her eyes again. There was music in Sarah’s voice – she wondered if her own had ever sounded that lovely, or if it was just the accent that captivated her American ears. She didn’t want it to stop.

“Tell me one.”

Sarah smiled. “Alrigh’. Let me think.” She was silent for a moment, sliding her thumb up to trace the spiral of Cosima’s tattoo before resuming the relaxing pattern on the back of her hand. She laughed suddenly. “Well, there was one time, back in London. I’d been with S for maybe two years, and ‘course I was always in trouble.” Cosima grinned at that. “Fe and I were at this terrible school at the time. Somehow everyone knew we were foster kids, and they were real assholes about it. I used to get sent home at least once a month for poundin’ some bastard who told Fe he didn’t have a mum.” Sarah went quiet for a moment, having stepped too close to home. Cosima squeezed her hand.

“Anyway, when I got sent home for beatin’ up the same kid for the third time that term, I figured enough was enough. I went home and packed up all my stuff, which was basically nothin’. Some clothes, a toothbrush, that kinda thing. I’m stormin’ around my room, throwing my crap in a bag, thinkin’ I’m gonna sneak out that night and take off for god-knows-where, and all of a sudden I hear this sound outside my door. I go to open it and there’s this little sack leaning up against it.” Cosima heard the smile creep into Sarah’s voice. 

“No Fe, no S, nobody’s there, just this bag. So I open it, and I swear there’s half the kitchen shoved in this tiny satchel.” Sarah laughed. “Two full boxes of tea, fruit, crisps, leftover suppers wrapped in foil, everything. And at the very bottom is this little stuffed bear with a piece of paper taped to it. A drawing. Me and Fe inside a heart.” She paused, letting the memory wash over her. “The little fucker knew what I was doin’, and he packed me a bag,” she said quietly. “He didn’t try to stop me, he just…took care of me. Just…couldn’t leave him then, ya know?”

Cosima smiled drowsily, soothed almost to sleep by the lilting rhythm of Sarah’s voice. “You know something, Manning?” she mumbled. Sarah grinned at the use of her last name. “You talk a big game, but really you’re just a big ol’ sap.”

*

Sarah groaned in her sleep, arm flailing outwards over the bed as she shifted. The itch faded for a moment, then resumed, stronger this time. She flailed again, hands swatting the air above her face. A soft snuffle made her slowly open her eyes. 

Felix was hunched over her, one hand pressed to his mouth to suppress a giggle, the other dangling his own sock directly over Sarah’s nose. At the sight of her eyes opening, he gave up the fight and collapsed in laughter. 

“You little shit!” Sarah jumped out of the bed, chasing him to the door as he cackled. He slammed the door behind him, holding it shut from the outside until Sarah gave up the chase. She stood facing the door, hands on her hips, as he slowly poked his head back through the door frame with a wide grin. 

“Breakfast is ready, dear sisters!” he sang before bounding away, laughing again. 

“I think someone’s a little lonely now that we’re not all constantly crashing at his loft anymore.” Sarah turned at the sound of the groggy voice from the bed, smiling as Cosima fumbled for her glasses on the nightstand. 

“Think you’re right.” Sarah groaned and flopped back down onto the bed, legs dangling off the side. She threw one arm over her eyes. 

Cosima’s laugh turned into a cough – a one-tissue morning. Not bad. She turned back to Sarah, nudging her arm away from her face. “He just misses you.”

“He’s a brat.” Sarah smiled up at Cosima’s face, hovering upside-down above her. 

“Yeah, well, you can be too sometimes.” Cosima dodged Sarah’s slap with a laugh. She inhaled deeply through her nose, lungs filling more freely than they had in a long time. “I smell breakfast, so you can go back to sleep if you want, but you know where I’ll be.” She turned toward the edge of the bed, then paused, leaning back down to press a light peck to Sarah's lips before standing. Sarah’s eyes closed, smiling wordlessly at the contact. 

By the time Sarah had roused herself enough to join her family, their plates were half finished. The table was buried beneath a sea of platters full of sausage, scrambled eggs, bacon, toast, potatoes, and fruit. Sarah smiled – it had been years since Siobhan had gone all out for a meal like this. It reminded her of the Sunday breakfasts Mrs. S used to make for her and Felix when they were younger, although this one featured a slightly more American menu, probably for Cosima’s benefit. 

Sarah filled her plate sleepily, greeting Kira with a kiss on the head as she listened to the contented chatter of her family. Cosima was describing a new piece of equipment she needed for the lab to Siobhan, who offered a list of her contacts that may be able to procure it by somewhat less than legal means.

“Yeah, well, you best save your pennies then, Cosima.” Felix turned to address the clone to his right. “You owe twenty big ones.”

“What? Why? When did we…” Cosima stared at Felix’s growing smirk for a moment as understanding dawned. She smacked him hard on the arm. “You asked him!? You weren’t supposed to outright ask him!”

“I did no such thing!” Felix cried defensively, rubbing his arm as Sarah, Kira, and Mrs. S looked on in confusion. “I took him out for a drink and it just happened to come up in conversation.” He waved an arm airily. “These things do.”

“Bullshit,” Cosima blurted. Her eyes flicked across the table to her grinning niece. “Sorry, Kira, sorry. But no way, man,” she said, turning back to Felix. “I was so sure!”

“So sure about what? What’s going on?” Sarah asked, eyes bouncing back and forth between Felix and Cosima. It was strange to see them collaborating on something without her knowledge.

“Ah,” Cosima rubbed her eyes as Felix smirked triumphantly. “Well, a while back, Felix and I made a bet about Scott, which was probably uncool, but whatever. Felix thought he was gay, I said he was straight, and now, apparently, I have to pay up.”

Felix’s smirk grew into a genuine smile. He put a hand on Cosima’s back. “Actually, darling, we both do.” Cosima shot him a questioning glance. 

“So, he’s what? Bi?” Sarah asked through a mouthful of scrambled eggs. Siobhan shot her a disdainful look at the lapse in table manners. 

“Well yes, but not like you," Felix replied. "He’s – what were the words he used? Some new-age thing. Biromantic and asexual I think.”

Sarah froze, mid-chew. She stared at Felix silently, gulping down the rest of the bite. “What did you say?” she asked quietly, eyes wide.

“I said he’s a bloody vampire. What do you think I said?” 

“Aw, shite.” Sarah took a drink of water, mumbling to herself. “Shite shite shite.” She glanced up to see four sets of eyes looking at her as though she’d lost her mind. “I may have made a bet about Scott as well.”

“Ha!” Cosima laughed. “Who with?”

“Alison,” Sarah groaned, rubbing her temples. “It was right after she got out of rehab, and she needed a thrill, ya know? So we started betting on things. Just little things, to start. But at the time she was sorta paying all the bills, so instead of money we bet…other stuff.” 

Felix looked at her intently. “You mean like…” His eyes flicked to Kira. “Things Auntie Alison might sell at her special bake sales?”

“No, no, nothing like that.” Sarah assured him. She felt the collective relief float through the room. “No, but just as bad, for me at least.” She put her head in her hands, muffling the rest of her confession. “I bet her a whole day of scrapbooking.” Across the table, Felix and Cosima locked eyes for a moment before bursting into laughter. Siobhan let out a loud snort.

“Wait, wait.” Cosima started once the laughter had passed. “So you’re saying Alison actually _specifically_ bet that Scott was both biromantic _and_ asexual?”

“Yeah, she did,” Sarah answered, shoveling more fruit onto her plate. “Which is why I thought I was in the clear on that one. Figured there was no way.”

“Sounds like someone cheated to me,” Felix chimed in, accenting his point with his fork.

“Mom?” Kira piped up. 

“Yeah babe?” Sarah answered, turning to face her daughter.

“What does that mean?”

“What does what mean?”

“Bi…” Kira trailed off, furrowing her eyebrows. “What Scott is,” she finished with a shrug. 

Sarah glanced at Felix, who was sharing a meaningful look with Cosima. They seemed to be debating silently until Felix shrugged. Cosima turned to Sarah. “Is it okay if I take this?” Sarah waved a hand to indicate her consent.

Cosima turned to Kira. “So, Kira, the word biromantic basically means that Scott can fall in love with all kinds of people. Men or women or whoever. And asexual means that…” She trailed off, suddenly unsure of Kira’s understanding of this topic. Her eyes shot around the table for help.

“It means that Scott doesn’t like to show his love in some of the special ways that other adults do with each other,” Siobhan finished, coming to Cosima’s rescue. Both Sarah and Cosima shot her a look of gratitude at the graceful description, although Sarah tensed in fear of Kira’s follow-up question. To her enormous relief, Kira simply nodded, turning back to her plate. Sarah knew that conversation needed to happen eventually, but the breakfast table was certainly not her first choice for where to have it.

“So,” Siobhan continued, steering the conversation away before Kira could ask any specific questions. “Felix, if you and Cosima were both wrong, why not call it even?” 

Felix finished sipping his tea before answering. “That’s the best part, mum. Apparently this happens to dear old Scott so often that he’s had to make his own set of rules about it.” He smiled at Cosima. “He doesn’t mind if people make bets, as long as the loser – or in this case, losers – pay up to _him_. Which I did with his bar tab, not to mention letting him talk me into playing some bloody ridiculous board game all night. I honestly lost years off my life.” Felix clutched his chest dramatically as Kira giggled.

Cosima smiled at the thought of Scott trying to teach Felix the rules of Agricola. “Yeah, you payed more than your fair share, Felix.” She turned to face him. “By the way, can I catch a ride back with you to the lab after breakfast?”

“No need, darling. Alison’s coming to pick us all up soon in that giant vehicular monstrosity of hers.” He met Siobhan’s eye across the table and winked.

“We’re going to Auntie Alison’s house?!” Kira piped up, bouncing in her seat.

“Why does no one ever bloody tell me that Alison’s coming over before it happens?” Sarah grumbled to her fork. Cosima laughed. 

“Yes, love,” Siobhan answered Kira. “She has a surprise for us. Now help me clear the table so we can be ready to go on time.”


	8. Catasterism

They’d agreed to meet Alison in small groups so as not to draw too much attention. Siobhan and Kira left first, taking the car to the predetermined meeting point in a grocery store parking lot while Sarah walked five blocks in the other direction. Felix and Cosima waited for the signal before leaving the safe house for the corner store down the street. The close meeting location had been a compromise when Cosima had flatly refused to take Kira’s spot in the car – her niece’s safety was far more important than her comfort. After Felix loaded the walker into the trunk, she’d closed the door behind them, waving her fingers dismissively as Siobhan scowled.

Felix offered his arm as they emerged from the safe house twenty minutes later, blinking in the sudden cold light. They made their way down the deserted street without speaking, both on high alert for the sound of footsteps and car tires. Cosima gripped Felix’s arm tighter as they neared their destination. Her feet dragged against the concrete more with each step. She felt Felix’s thundering pulse under her fingers as they pressed into his arm, betraying the nerves that fizzled and popped below his nonchalant exterior. 

Felix guided her to a bench as they finally reached the store. Cosima’s legs were nearly vibrating with the effort. She sagged against the brick wall behind her, dropping the cane against the metal bench with a clang. Her eyes sluggishly followed the pattern of Felix’s nervous pacing – four steps, stop, check phone, sigh, turn, four steps, stop, repeat. Her mind began to race to the beat of his anxious rhythm, slipping automatically into the science. _Observable symptoms: lower body weakness, shortness of breath, shooting pain. Approximate distance traveled: .5 miles. Vitals:_ She pressed two fingers to the pulsing artery in her neck. _Strong, all things considered._

The numbers swirled behind her eyelids, organizing themselves into a set of possible conclusions to test: either she’d underestimated the distance from the safe house to the store, forgotten to factor in the influence of excess adrenaline on endurance, or – most terrifying of all – she was getting worse. Felix’s sudden curse interrupted her spiraling train of thought.

“Shit shit shit! Bollocks!” Her eyes snapped up as Felix rounded again. 

“Dude, what the hell?”

“They’re nearly ten minutes late, Cosima, and no messages.” Felix waved his phone in her face. He resumed pacing. Cosima stared – she hadn’t even noticed the time. _Shit._

The sudden sound of car tires rounding the corner made them both jump. Relief flooded through Cosima at the sight of Alison’s minivan. She grinned as Felix’s stressed visage relaxed into a playful scowl, staring Alison down through the windshield. He turned, offering both hands to pull Cosima up. She gripped his hands, leaned forward and– nothing. No movement. Her eyes met Felix’s in a flurried glance. Cosima slid her hands up to his elbows, pressing their forearms tightly together. She tried again, more slowly this time. Felix’s grin faltered. 

“Hey, let’s just try it like this, okay?” Felix asked softly. He held tight to her arms as she leaned into him, shuffling his feet slowly backwards as he led them toward the curb. The side door of the van slid open behind him with a rumble. He murmured encouragingly as his calves backed against the car, spinning around to brace Cosima from behind as she climbed in. Not til she was settled in did he let loose the stress-induced tirade that had built up in his chest. 

“Oi oi, everyone! So nice of you to finally join us!” Felix called, eyes shooting individual daggers at each person in the van. He jogged back to the bench quickly, retrieving Cosima’s cane before climbing into his own seat and continuing his rant. “I’m sure no one gave any thought to the fact that Cosima and I were in a bloody panic thinking you’d been abducted by Evil Cho or somesuch.” 

Siobhan spun around in the passenger seat. “Stop being so dramatic, Felix. We just got into a bit of traffic is all. I tried to text you but there’s no service in this area.” Felix crossed his arms over his chest, continuing to pout as Alison shot onto the highway. He spun in his seat, addressing his niece. 

“And _you_ , you cheeky little monkey – I thought you were supposed to be keeping these idiots in line, eh? Eh?!” Felix playfully accosted her again as he reached into the back seat, squeezing his favorite ticklish spot above Kira’s knee as she dissolved in giggles. Sarah shot him a smile that didn’t reach her eyes before staring ahead again, shooting concerned looks through the seat in front of her where Cosima reclined silently. Felix slid his hand from Kira’s knee to Sarah’s, rubbing lightly. 

“Hey,” he whispered. She glanced at him again quickly, shaking her head slightly. _Not here._

*

Cosima was sound asleep by the time they exited the highway and turned down the tree-lined suburban road, oblivious to the raucous laughter that surrounded her as they regaled Alison with the story of this morning’s breakfast conversation. Sarah buried her head in Kira’s shoulder with a playful groan as Alison went into explicit detail about the plans for their future all-day scrapbooking adventure. Alison grinned as she pulled into the subdivision, enjoying the chance to get under her sister’s skin. 

“Felix? We’re getting close, can you…?” Alison gestured over her shoulder where Cosima was snuffling softly. Felix grunted his assent, laying a hand lightly on Cosima’s knee. His eyes softened, watching the dappled light trailing over her pale face. The speed of her declining health hadn’t escaped his notice, but this morning’s struggle had shaken him in a new way. If they didn’t find a cure soon – _No. Don’t think about that._ He shook her gently.

“Wake up, Einstein. Nearly there.” Cosima stirred, blinking up at him with a smile that exploded into a booming cough. She sat up straighter, feeling the additional weight of her family’s nervous stares pushing the choked breath from her lungs. Siobhan plucked a tissue from Alison’s uber-organized center console and pressed it into Cosima’s hand. She took it gratefully as the cough wracked her body, spattering blood into the tissue. Kira shot a panicked glance at Sarah, who wrapped her arms around her daughter, doing a poor job of hiding her own anxiety. 

The cough finally worked its way out of her lungs, leaving her shaking as she sat up slowly. She balled up the tissue in her hand, hiding the evidence of her fading body. “Sorry about that,” she rasped. They’d witnessed this dozens of times by now, but she knew that didn’t make it any easier to see. She turned slightly to face Kira. “All good now, Monkey. I promise. Okay?”

Kira nodded slowly, frowning. No one spoke for a moment as Alison pulled to a stop. Cosima glanced up briefly, laying her hand on the door handle before realizing something wasn’t right. “Alison, this…isn’t your house?”

Alison shifted into park, turning around to face the back of the car. She swept a quick smile over Siobhan and Felix as Sarah, Kira, and Cosima traded confused glances.

“Alright, what’s going on, you three?” Sarah piped up from the back row. “I don’t like you bein’ in cahoots. Makes me nervous.”

“For good reason.” Felix winked over his shoulder. 

Alison smiled. “I just wanted to pause for a moment to make sure everyone’s paying attention. Donnie and I have made some…improvements…to the house, and I want to get your opinions.” She shifted back into gear, cruising past the entrance to a cul-de-sac before pulling up outside the Hendrix house. Cosima stared out the window, jaw hanging slack. She took in the sight: a beautiful stone ramp, curving gracefully upwards from the sidewalk to the Hendrix’s front porch where stairs had once sat. 

Silence filled the car for a moment. Alison began to chatter nervously. “Donnie and Helena installed it themselves. I had to fight the neighborhood association tooth and nail, of course, but they backed off when I threatened to sue them for discrimination. Plus, I certainly don’t agree that it ‘detracts from the aesthetics of the neighborhood’, that’s just nonsense. We ordered the stone special from – “

“Alison.” Cosima’s voice was soft, but it stopped Alison’s tirade in its tracks. Their eyes met, staring wordlessly. 

“It’s beautiful, Alison.” Sarah called from the backseat, fighting to keep the emotion out of her voice. 

Alison smiled graciously, finally dropping her eyes from Cosima’s face. It was a long moment before she spoke again. 

“I’m sorry if it’s too much, or if it’s uncomfortable for you, Cosima. I just…” She raised her eyes again, watching for her sister’s reaction. “We just wanted to make sure our home was always accessible to the whole family. And there are plenty more modifications inside – Felix and Siobhan helped with those.” She smiled gently. Cosima’s mouth still hung open, head swiveling slowly between Alison and the ramp.

“Alison…you didn’t have to – “ 

Alison waved away the rest of her protest. “We’re family. Of course I did.”

“But, Alison – “ Cosima struggled to pluck just one thought from the swirling mass in her head. She felt her heartbeat speed up, joy and grief dancing together in her chest, stomping into her veins. “Alison,” she whispered. “What about the kids?”

Alison fiddled with the zipper of her fleece jacket. “That’s the other surprise,” she started, glancing around nervously. Felix shot her a warm look of support. “Donnie and I…we decided to tell the kids. About all of us.” Alison smiled finally, eyes sweeping across the shocked expressions of her sisters. 

“I’ve tried to protect them from all this by keeping them in the dark. But they’ve met Helena, obviously, and they know Felix, and with everything that’s happened…I just don’t feel right about keeping them away from their family anymore. With the choices Donnie and I have made…well, this is our life now. It’s about time they got to enjoy the benefits of it.” Siobhan laid a reassuring hand on Alison’s shoulder as she finished, smiling warmly.

“Alison…” Sarah trailed off, shaking her head. “I…wow.”

“Does this mean I get to meet my cousins?!” Kira demanded, looking excitedly between Alison and Sarah. Alison smiled.

“It does. That is, if your mom is okay with it.” Alison shot a questioning look at Sarah.

Sarah smiled warmly, rubbing her daughter’s shoulders. “I’d love that, Monkey.”

“Alison.” Five sets of eyes swiveled in Cosima’s direction. She cleared her throat. “Thank you. This is…just, thank you.”

Alison nodded, suddenly business-like. “Of course.” She turned to address the rest of the car. “If it’s okay with all of you – Oscar and Gemma are at my mother’s for the day, but they’ll be home for dinner. I was hoping you’d stay.”

“And they already know about – “ Sarah gestured vaguely around the car. “Or is this our coming out party?” Cosima fought off a smile at the phrase.

“No, they already know. We told them a few days ago.”

“And how’d that go?” Felix jumped in. He was fairly certain the Hendrix children had more of a sense of what happened in their house than Alison realized.

“It went well, actually.” Alison answered, stepping out of the van and sliding open the back door. She held her hands out to Cosima as the rest of the family took the hint and piled out of the car. “I made photobooks for each of them – one for you, too, Kira,” she called over Cosima’s shoulder. “They have pictures of each of us, as well as names and how they’re related to the kids.”

As soon as her feet hit the ground, Cosima let go of Alison’s hands, wrapping her arms around her sister. “Thank you,” she whispered again. She’d meant to say more but didn’t trust herself to speak.

Alison nodded into her shoulder. “I have faith in you, Cosima. You’re going to figure out a cure. And we’ll deal with all the rest of it together.” Alison pulled away, giving Cosima’s shoulders a squeeze. “But no matter what, you’re always welcome here.”

“And at my place, as well.” Felix chimed in, appearing suddenly at their side. He situated the walker in front of Cosima, winking at her conspiratorially. “I don’t know if she mentioned it, but that’s part of the ‘other modifications.’ She dug up a few past convictions and blackmailed my landlord until he fixed the elevator.” 

*

“Hey,” Sarah said softly, handing Cosima the steaming mug of tea. Cosima accepted it gratefully, wrapping both hands around the warm mug and breathing in the steam with a sigh. Sarah smiled as she settled down in the deck chair next to Cosima’s with her own mug. “Where’s Kira? Thought she was out here with you?”

“She was.” Cosima nodded. “She and Helena went inside to watch a movie.”

Sarah nodded thoughtfully. “You’re not cold out here?"

Cosima shook her head, blowing across the surface of the tea. She took a long sip, smiling as she felt the warmth trickle down her throat and into her core. “I’ve been inside so much lately, you know? Down in the lab or at the house or whatever. I just wanna soak this in while I can.” She gestured widely with one arm, encompassing the small yard and the rosy evening sky beyond it. Sarah smiled, reaching across to grasp Cosima’s hand. They sat in silence together for a long moment, watching the sun sink lower. 

“Cos?” Sarah set her mug down gently on the arm of the deck chair.

Cosima smiled at the way Sarah said her name. She pulled her knees up to her chest, turning to look at Sarah without lifting her head. “Yeah?”

“We should, uh…probably talk about all this, huh?” Sarah squeezed Cosima’s hand lightly, twisting nervously at a button on her jacket with her other hand. Cosima sighed, turning away. She was silent for a long moment.

“Sarah?” Sarah glanced nervously up at Cosima. Her clone’s eyes were fixed upwards, gazing at the sky. “Do you know the story of Castor and Pollux?”

“Castor as in Ira and all them?” Sarah answered warily. “Leda’s brothers, right?”

“Sons, actually,” Cosima replied, still gazing upwards. The winter sky had faded to a dusky purple, with only the faintest hint of stars beginning to poke through in the lingering light. “In mythology, at least. But they had different fathers. Castor was the son of Tyndareus, Leda’s husband, and Pollux was the son of Zeus from when he – well, when he basically raped Leda in the form of a swan.” She paused for a moment, taking a deep breath as she spun one of her rings with her thumb.

“Because of their different fathers, Castor was mortal and Pollux was immortal. But they were, like, incredibly close, so close that when Castor died, Pollux begged Zeus to give half his immortality to his brother so they’d have more time together. Zeus took pity on him and agreed. He put them in the stars so that they’d always be together.” She spun her ring again in the slowly fading light, still staring up at the sky. Finally, she swiveled her head towards Sarah again, meeting her wary gaze. Cosima smiled sadly and squeezed her hand.

“I know we should talk about what we are to each other. But I’m afraid that if we do, we’ll have to figure it out and then…” Cosima trailed off, voice thick. “I’m not ready to lose you yet, Sarah. I want us to have more time together. Even if I…even if we can’t have as much time as we wish we could.”

“Hey,” Sarah whispered, squeezing Cosima’s hand. “You’re not losing me, Cos. I promise.” She scooted her chair closer. “You’re not losing me. No matter what we decide to do, I’m still gonna be here. Okay?” 

Cosima nodded, desperate to believe her. She leaned closer, closing the distance between them with a tender kiss. “Okay,” she whispered with a smile. Sarah grinned as their lips met again, filling the kiss with everything she couldn’t put into words.

“Ahem.”

Identical lips broke apart as they spun toward the sound, Sarah muttering a curse as hot tea sloshed into her lap. Alison stood behind them, arms crossed over her chest. She frowned.

“You two. Inside. Now.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ca`tas´ter`ism  
> n. 1. A placing among the stars; a catalogue of stars.


	9. Something More

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is dedicated to all the people who have commented asking for an update - thank you for motivating me when I was ready to give up on this fic!

Alison paced back and forth in front of the television screen, where a pair of cartoon aliens were paused in a ridiculous freeze frame while Kira and Helena were upstairs making popcorn. Sarah and Cosima sat on opposite ends of the couch, glancing nervously at Alison as they waited for the ax to fall. Sarah tried to break the silence.

“Alison, listen-“

“No-“ Alison paused and held out a hand without looking at Sarah. She resumed pacing. “No. Just…give me a minute.” Sarah met Cosima’s eye apprehensively for a moment, then flitted away. 

“Who else knows?” Alison asked, still pacing.

“No one.” The response was simultaneous.

Alison nodded and continued trampling circles into the carpet. She paused, absentmindedly straightening a vase on the shelf behind her. She took a deep breath, keeping her back to them. 

“All I want to know is – is it just sex? Or is it something more?”

Sarah looked frantically at Cosima; her eyes were bigger than she’d ever seen them. Cosima stuttered, trying to form a coherent response. 

“I, ah…we…uh…” 

Alison rounded on them, staring intently at Cosima as the words withered on her lips. Alison’s gaze moved slowly to Sarah, who squared her shoulders. She would not be intimidated.

“We haven’t really had a chance to talk about it yet. But…” she faltered, glancing at Cosima. “I think…uh...I think it’s something more.” Cosima shot her a small smile, still paralyzed by Alison’s fierce stare.

Alison said nothing, but her gaze softened as her eyes swiveled between her clones. Finally, she gave a small nod as though something were decided and disappeared into the craft room. Sarah turned to Cosima with an alarmed expression. _Was that it?_

They heard rummaging in the craft room. After a moment, Alison reappeared, carrying a light blue box covered in an intricately embossed swirling pattern. She perched gingerly on the edge of the coffee table, facing Sarah and Cosima without meeting either of their eyes. Silently, she opened the box lid and began emptying more glue sticks than Sarah had ever seen in her life onto the table. When the seemingly infinite supply was exhausted, she shoved the box into Cosima’s hands. Cosima took it from her gently as Alison evaded her concerned gaze. 

Alison took a deep, shaky breath. Slowly, she raised her hands to her neck, unhooking the clasp of a necklace that had been hidden below her blouse. She lifted the small golden chain away from her chest, holding it out toward Sarah with one shaking hand. Sarah’s hand closed briefly over Alison’s fingers as she took it. She gazed down at the tiny golden charm in her hand. A key. Sarah met Cosima’s eye, tilting her hand so she could see. 

Alison sat primly on the coffee table, looking down at her hands tightly folded in her lap and resolutely ignoring the mixed stares of concern and confusion from the couch. Cosima tore her eyes away from her sister, finally glancing down into the empty box. A small, golden circle glinted near one side, catching the low basement light. She held the box out to Sarah, who shot her a cautious look as she realized what Alison wanted them to do. She scooted closer to Cosima and gently inserted the key into the lock, lifting the false bottom carefully out of the box. Alison sniffed quietly.

The box was empty, save for two small, narrow strips of paper. Photo strips, the kind that come as souvenirs from a boardwalk booth. Cosima lifted them gently into the light, holding one in each hand for both her and Sarah to see. Their eyes roved together over the first strip. In each photo, Alison was laughing, her eyes glowing in a way that Sarah had never seen before. The person she was with had on a different ridiculous mask in each of the first three photos. Only in the fourth, where the mask was just being lowered from her laughing face, could Sarah tell that the person was Beth. 

She heard Cosima suck in a breath next to her and moved her eyes to the second strip. In the first photo, Alison and Beth were pressed close to one another, grinning happily into the camera. In the second, their smiles turned towards each other, gaze softening. Alison’s hand lay delicately on Beth’s cheek in the last two photos. Their lips were locked in a passionate kiss. 

Alison sniffed again from the couch. Cosima raised her head at the sound as Sarah continued staring at the photos. Cosima pressed the photo strips gently into Sarah’s hands before slipping carefully off the couch to the floor. She gazed up at Alison, laying a hand softly on her knee. 

“Alison…I am so sorry.” A tear splashed onto Cosima’s hand from above. Alison covered her hand with her own, finally meeting her eyes. She smiled sadly at Cosima, then raised her eyes to Sarah, who sat wide-eyed on the couch. 

“We were…” Alison’s voice waivered. She dabbed gently at her eyes before continuing more steadily. “It was…more…for us too. I didn’t… I was terrified of everything, I thought Donnie was working for DYAD – which, I guess, he was, but even he didn’t know it.” She inhaled shakily. “Beth made me feel safe. She taught me to shoot, she checked the house for cameras and bugs. She started coming over at night, just to check on me. She’d sleep down here – right there, actually.” She gestured to the couch where Sarah sat, staring. “And then it was…more.”

Alison glanced up at Sarah again. “Sarah…I owe you an apology. Now you know why I was so awful to you when you first came around. I didn’t…can you imagine, if it had been Cosima-“ Alison’s voice trembled again. 

“Hey, hey. S’okay.” Sarah caught Alison’s unclaimed hand and squeezed. “I’m so sorry I put you in that position, Alison.”

“You had no idea, of course. No one did.” Her gaze moved back to Cosima. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner. I know you wouldn’t have judged. It was just so…” 

Cosima nodded warmly. “I know. I know.” 

Kira bounded down the stairs then, popcorn kernels flying from her bowl in her rush to get back to the movie. Helena lumbered down the stairs behind her, barely avoiding crushing the wayward kernels into the carpet. 

“Kira! Be careful, babes! Let’s pick those up so we don’t make a big mess in Auntie Alison’s house.” Sarah stood, diverting Kira and Helena’s attention to give Alison time to collect herself. She squeezed Alison’s shoulder supportively as she passed, mind reeling with her revelation. 

*

Cosima worked quickly, zipping a peeler over carrot after carrot. She was perched on a barstool in Alison’s kitchen, letting the peelings fall into a trash can at her feet. She glanced out the window occasionally, watching Scott setting up his newest toy in the light from the street lamp. He’d arrived at the door an hour ago with an enormous telescope in hand, apparently determined to compete with Felix for the title of Favorite Uncle.

“Oh – what happened to Siobhan?” Alison whizzed past her shoulder, tying on an apron she’d retrieved from the dryer. 

“She went downstairs to finish the movie with Kira and the twins.” Cosima still got a thrill from using that phrase to describe Sarah and Helena– _the twins_. It felt so familial. So normal. “What time are the kids getting here?”

“Felix and Donnie left almost an hour ago, so they should be home any moment now,” Alison responded with a grunt as she drove the masher into a pot of boiled potatoes. 

They worked in companionable silence for a moment. Cosima picked up the knife and positioned it over the peeled carrots, then let it fall back onto the board with a clatter. “Ohhhh!” she whispered, slapping one hand to her forehead. Alison shot a concerned look over her shoulder, still mashing.

“That’s how you knew about Scott, isn’t it?” Cosima asked quietly, staring at the back of Alison’s head. 

“Knew what about Scott?” Alison asked flippantly. Understanding registered as she uttered his name. Her shoulders visibly slumped. She set down the masher, turning to face Cosima.

“Yes. That’s how I knew, or at least suspected. That was how Beth was too.” She wiped her hands slowly on the kitchen towel, fiddling with the coarse fabric.

“So if Beth was ace, and you two were…” Cosima cut herself off with a shake of her head, waving her hands violently in front of her face. “You know what, nevermind. Definitely none of my business.”

Alison pursed her lips. “No, it certainly is not.” She turned back to the pot of potatoes, stirring in cream from the pitcher on the counter. “But if you must know-“ she muttered after a moment, “it was…mutually satisfactory.”

Cosima snorted, shoving her glasses back up her nose with one finger. “’Mutually satisfactory.’ That’s _hot_.” The crack of the kitchen towel whipping against her thigh was so sudden and so loud that both sisters jumped. Cosima simply laughed harder, rubbing at the spot on her leg as Alison smirked.

Cosima diced two carrots before starting back in, not sure how far she could push this conversation without cracking Alison’s practiced façade. The words sat heavy in her chest.

“Alison?” 

Alison pulled two pans of meatloaf from the oven, bumping the door shut with her hip as she set them on a cooling rack. She turned toward Cosima, one eyebrow raised in question. Cosima set her knife down. She spoke slowly, letting each word sink in.

“Seriously, though. _Everything_ good that I have now, I owe to Beth. This whole family – this wouldn’t exist if not for her finding us and protecting us in so many ways we never even knew about until now. I just…” she glanced up at Alison then, mirroring her sad smile. “I just want you to know that it’s not lost on me. I think of her every day. And if you brought a little light into all her darkness…well, I’m really glad she had you.”

Alison looked down at her hands again, nodding. Her voice was barely a whisper. 

“I was the lucky one.”

The rumble of the garage door interrupted them, announcing the arrival of the rest of the Hendrix clan. Alison took a step toward Cosima, squeezing her hand as their eyes met. 

“Thank you, Cosima.” She stood up straighter, eyes focused on the door to garage. She exhaled through pursed lips to steady herself.

“You ready for this?” 

Alison smiled wordlessly as the door opened.

*

The first time Sarah saw Scott cry was the day they attached the oxygen tank to the leg of the walker. 

For weeks he'd worked himself to the bone, barely stopping to eat or sleep, looking up only briefly when various clones and their children came to visit. He'd become such a stoic fixture that Sarah often almost forgot he was there. Now, he knelt on the floor of the lab, screwdriver in hand, muttering curses under his breath as he wrestled the metal cylinder into place. Sarah watched the process in bemusement from the couch, absentmindedly tracing her fingers over Cosima’s dreadlocks as she napped fitfully, head heavy in Sarah’s lap.

“How’s it goin’ over there?” Sarah smirked as Scott swore quietly, dropping the screwdriver yet again. He ignored her light taunt, instead taking a long breath in through his nose to calm himself, willing away the storm gathering behind his eyes. Sarah’s smirk turned to a genuine frown. 

“Scott. Hey. You, uh…you okay?” 

“Fine.” He shot the word over his shoulder, not daring to turn around. 

Silence hung between them as Sarah watched the muscles in his neck stiffen. Her fingers stilled on Cosima’s forehead. Scott tightened the last screw with a huff, letting the screwdriver clatter to the floor as he stood abruptly and crossed to the stairs, clomping up without a second glance.

Sarah stared after him for a moment, calculating. She shifted slightly on the couch, gently lifting Cosima’s head and slipping a pillow underneath it before standing. The stairs groaned quietly under her boots as she ascended. 

“Scott?” Sarah’s voice was quiet as she slipped hesitantly through the door into the Rabbit Hole. Light filtered into the shop through the posters that covered the windows. “You still here?”

A sniffle greeted her from the corner of the room. Scott leaned heavily against the wall, face buried in his elbow. He didn’t seem to hear her approach.

“Hey,” Sarah whispered, just out of Scott’s reach. He turned his face further away. Sarah leaned gently against the wall, head thudding backwards with a sigh. The silence between them was heavy and yet…comforting, somehow. They’d become unlikely compatriots in the course of the past months, each working themselves to the bone out of nothing more than love – and the deep, petrifying fear of loss that came with it. 

“Listen, I know –“

“Sarah, just… don’t.” Scott cut her off, his voice thick. She stared at him for a moment before nodding gently. It was better this way, anyway – words of comfort had never come easily. The depth of feeling was crushing, a black hole that beckoned too strongly, whispering all the terrible things she already knew about herself. It was so much easier to run. 

“I’m gonna…” Sarah trailed off, cleared her throat. “Yeah.” She clapped a hand on his shoulder, leaving it there for just a moment before crossing back to the basement stairs, stirring clouds of dust with each clomp of her heavy boots as she shook herself free of the suffocating intimacy. Behind her, the front door creaked open and quickly slammed shut in response. She descended the stairs just in time to witness Cosima sleepily raising her head from the pillow, eyebrows knit together in confusion. Sarah grinned at the expression.

“Hey there,” she said quietly, crossing the lab in two long strides to retrieve Cosima’s glasses from the table. She lowered herself onto the coffee table, handing the glasses over as Cosima propped herself up on her elbow and rubbed at her eyes. 

“Hey,” she croaked, clearing the sleep from her voice. “How long was I…?”

“Not that long,” Sarah replied gently. “How do you feel?” 

Cosima pushed herself up to a sitting position with a yawn and stretched her arms above her head. “Still pretty tired, to be honest, but not bad.” She flashed Sarah a small smile, wincing slightly as she released the stretch. A familiar fist clenched in Sarah’s chest at the sight.

“Yeah, I bet.” Sarah nodded. “You feel like moving to the bed? Probably better on your back.” 

“My back’s fine, Sarah.” The proclamation lacked the familiar bite – denial was no more than a habit between them by now. The pain had become a constant companion. They both knew it.

“Still,” Sarah countered, deliberately avoiding the usual argument. “More room for me over there.” Cosima’s laugh came out in a rough bark. Her gaze softened. 

“Fine, fine.” She waved a hand dismissively, still playing at grouchiness despite her growing smile. Sarah grinned as she bent to help Cosima up, taking care to avoid tangling the clear tubing that focused oxygen into her fading lungs. She maneuvered the walker in front of her clone and crossed to the bedroom to pull down the covers.

“Hey, where’s Scott?” Cosima called as she made her way across the lab with a slowness that Sarah could not bear to watch. She focused instead on methodically removing the throw pillows from the bed and tossing them to the floor. 

“He, uh…“ Sarah swallowed, unsure how much to reveal. “I think he left for the day.”

Cosima nodded, eyes trained downwards in a mien of intense focus. Sarah finally looked up as the light shuffle of her clone’s slippers against the stone floor slowed to a full stop. Cosima’s entire body sagged, held upright by only her trembling arms. The rise and fall of her chest as she gasped for each thin breath cemented Sarah’s feet to the floor for a sickening moment.

“Hey,” Sarah blurted, forcing herself free from the momentary paralysis. She crossed quickly to Cosima, slipping an arm around her waist to shoulder some of the weight. “How about I-“

“I got it.” Cosima waved her off, sagging further against Sarah’s firm grip in the process.  
Sarah swallowed back the hard edges that threatened to crack her calm façade. “I know you do,” she said gently. “But you don’t have to. That’s the whole point.” 

Cosima continued to stare at her feet for a moment, considering. Slowly, slowly, she raised a hand to her face, slipping the cannula over her ears and letting it fall to the floor as she turned further into Sarah’s grasp. Sarah wrapped her arms firmly around her clone as Cosima let her weight fall against her, tucking her head into Sarah’s neck with a resigned sigh. 

“You are so strong, Cos.” Her lips brushed against Cosima’s hair as she whispered the words, inhaling the light scent of her. 

Cosima puffed a humorless laugh against Sarah’s neck. “Hardly. If you let go right now-“

“I don’t mean like that,” Sarah said quietly, shifting Cosima in her arms to hold her more firmly. “And I’m not letting go.”

Cosima softened against her, her defenses floating gently away at Sarah’s candor. Her fingers swirled slowly through a lock of Sarah’s hair as she nodded. Her breath slowed, gradually falling into steadier rhythm, her heart no longer pounding against her fragile ribs with quite the same ferocity. 

Sarah maneuvered one hand behind Cosima’s knees, lifting her off the ground with an ease that terrified her. She crossed the room with an easy stride and lowered Cosima delicately onto the bed, her head swirling with the sudden fear of somehow breaking her. Cosima caught Sarah’s collar as she pulled away. For all her exhaustion, her gaze was bright and fierce, dancing between Sarah’s eyes. She held her there for a long moment, wordlessly begging Sarah to understand the thoughts that burned too hot in her chest to form into words. More than fear, more than pain, more than longing. _Sarah, please._

Sarah felt the air forced from her lungs under the force of Cosima’s gaze. Her ears filled with a ceaseless ringing, drowning out the parade of a thousand terrifying thoughts that somehow didn’t matter because Cosima was _here_ and she was _now_ and she was looking at her like Sarah was the only thing that could keep her from floating away. Sarah sucked in a desperate breath and kissed her like she’d never kissed her before, kissed her like it was the first time and might be the last, kissed her as the answer to a question she was too terrified to ask. Sarah’s hand slipped behind Cosima’s head as her lips pleaded against hers, begged her _stay with me stay with me stay with me_. Cosima’s hands tangled in Sarah’s hair, crushing them together and kissing her with every ounce of the breath left in her spent lungs. 

Cosima pulled away suddenly, turning her head to cough lightly into her shoulder as Sarah lifted her upright. She glanced up at Sarah in apology before turning away again, a cough exploding through her body with a force that doubled her over. Sarah winced as blood spattered Cosima’s sleeve, rubbing her back lightly as the cough worked its way through her, five seconds, ten seconds, thirty seconds. Cosima gasped for breath as it finally faded. She turned back to face Sarah, her hands resting lightly on Sarah’s legs.

“Sarah, I…” Cosima’s pupils widened suddenly as her words trailed off. Her fingers clenched into fists against Sarah’s leg, face contorting into a rictus of fear as her body began to convulse violently, torso crumpling back down onto the mattress. 

“Cos!” Panic swelled in Sarah’s chest. She stood and leaned over Cosima’s shaking form, desperately trying to recall Scott’s words of caution about these situations. Cosima shoulders shook harder, fists flailing desperately for a moment. An awful gargling sound escaped her throat.

“Shitshitshit!” Sarah swore, fighting to keep Cosima from rolling onto her back. Cosima’s head whipped towards her suddenly, eyes clearing and locking with hers in a moment of perfect, horrifying clarity before rolling back into her head, her entire body falling limp.

“Cos?!” Sarah bent her head to her chest, listening desperately for a pulse. “Cosima!?”


	10. Starshine

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This work was written long before season 5 aired and so is canon divergent re: Cosima's backstory/family!

The warm, dry sand presses up into her back like an embrace from below. She wiggles her toes deeper into it, warming them, delighting in the grains that cascade over her skin. She’s missed this feeling for which the frigid north offers no substitute. Cosima spreads her arms wide as the sun’s glow bathes her cells like a benediction. Things are… easy, somehow. A deep breath, a wide stretch - muscles that haven’t moved this way in months respond to her slightest whim. 

Her eyes flit open gently, filled with pure white sparks that delight rather than blind. The familiarity of this place fills her senses. The ebb and flow of the shoreline hasn’t changed its familiar rolling shape, etched into her memory by a hundred summer mornings spent running wildly along its banks. How could so much have changed since then if this place has stayed just the same? 

She gazes out over the crested tops of the Pacific, the same waves that filled her with fear as a child. An overactive imagination and one too many hours holed up in the nonfiction section of the library had filled her mind with visions of enormous sharks, descendants of the dinosaurs. Every ripple in the water became a fin; every shadow a body lurking beneath the surface, hiding a monstrous jaw ready to tear into her tiny body. She’d refused to even get her toes wet. Looking out now, she can almost see the shape of the eventual intervention – a little girl perched on her father’s shoulders as he wades through the shallows, scanning the depths below for threats before leaping into the air with a delighted shriek, holding tight to his hands as she splashes down. 

She smiles as the memory fades from view, replaced with the steady whisper of the waves against the shore. The realization bubbles up from below –she’s never felt the rush of the ocean against her skin without her father’s hand in hers. It simply never felt right after he was gone.

Something cold and smooth bumps against her toes, interrupting her reverie. A bottle. Its sudden appearance should be more startling, she muses, bending to scoop up the gift from the sea. Through the delicate emerald glass, she sees a small note rolled in on itself. Excitement builds in her chest as she tugs on the cork, tipping the scrap of paper into her hand. The boyish scrawl across the top strikes an immediate chord in her chest. _Sarah._

Her fingers tremble as she unrolls the letter in her hands, reading on.

_Hey Cos. This…this feels a little funny, y’know. Alison says you can hear me, but…I dunno. I’m…I’m so sorry, Cosima._

Cosima’s fingers trace the mottled peaks of the paper here, wrinkled by dried droplets of what she prays are not tears. 

_This is…this is all my fault, Cos. ‘M so sorry. Just…come back to me, okay? I – we need you._

The writing breaks, almost mid-sentence, blurred out by another salt water stain. Cosima stares at the blotchy puddle of ink, desperately trying to make out words within the unintelligible swirl. The splash of a new tear mars Sarah’s ink even further. Cosima holds the letter to her chest for a moment, tipping the cool lip of the bottle against her ear, trying to convince herself she can hear anything more than the airy heartbeat of the sea.

*

Day after day, the bottles roll ashore, each identical to the last. She lines them up neatly in the sand, reading and rereading each of the notes inside until their ink begins to fade. Bottle after bottle after bottle from Sarah, each warming her from the inside, among letters from each of her sisters. Helena’s first note contains the lyrics to a Ukrainian lullaby to which Cosima makes up a new tune each time she reads it. The letters from Alison are short and sweet, containing updates on each of her children. Scott’s, from what she can tell, are all excerpts from some of her favorite books. She hears his voice in her head as she reads along.

Short notes flood in from Felix, Siobhan, even a long one from her mother that almost painfully squeezes the inside of her chest. A tiny scrap of paper in one bottle contains only two words in a perfect, looping signature. _Je t’aime._ She stares at it for a moment before resting it in the sand with the others. 

Cosima reclines against the sand, staring across the rows of bottles standing upright on the beach. She wonders, not for the first time, where they came from, how they made their way to her little stretch of shoreline, and more importantly – _if they all say they miss me, why don’t they just come here?_

“They can’t do that, baby.”

Cosima jumps, whirling to face the source of the first human voice she’s heard in weeks. Her eyes fill at the sudden, overwhelming sight. Her lips fumble around the shape of a long-forgotten word.

“Dad?”

“Hey there, starshine.” The combination of his wide grin and the sound of a nickname she hasn’t heard in years sends wild reverberations bouncing through Cosima. She leaps to her feet with a yelp and barrels straight into his arms, burying her head into the scratchy knap of his sweater. His beard tickles against her ear as he laughs. Her own laugh joins his, breaking through the veil of tears.

“What are you doing here?” She leans back in his embrace, staring up at him in disbelief.

“I should ask the same of you, kiddo.” He grins and settles down into the sand, patting the spot next to him. 

“What do you mean?” She folds herself into the sand next to him and leans into his side. “I’m just kind of…here.”

“So you are.” A gust of wind blows across the open bottles in the sand, sending a song reverberating briefly through the air. He nods toward them. “Looks like a lot of people miss you.”

Cosima nods. They sit in silence for a moment, watching the waves roll against the shore. Her father wraps his arm around her shoulders and squeezes. “Thought you would have gone for a swim by now,” he says quietly, not taking his eyes from the deep cobalt of the ocean. 

“I can’t.” Her voice is quiet.

“What do you mean?”

“I haven’t since…” She glances up at him quickly before looking away again. “Since you left.”

“Cosima, come on.” He squeezes her shoulders before leaning away to look into her face. “You were raised by a physicist. You know better than that.”

“Fine.” A storm passes briefly across her face. “Since the particles that made you up dispersed across the universe. But it felt the same. You were gone.”

He smiles sadly, pulling her in close again. It’s a long moment before he speaks again. 

“I’m so sorry it felt that way, baby.” She leans into the sound of his voice, inhaling his familiar oaky scent. “But I was there. I promise. When you tripped up the stairs at your high school graduation -“ 

She laughs, remembering in a flash. 

“Don’t worry.” He grins. “I was the only one who saw that. When you made this…interesting…decision-“ he holds one of her dreads delicately between his fingers, laughing as she grins and swats his hand away. “I was there. And all the harder stuff – like when Mom called to tell you Rex had died and you wore her old collar on your wrist like a bracelet for a month – I was right there. Every heartbreak, every big move, every bad grade… I never left, Cosima. You know that, right?”

Cosima nods against his chest, tears falling freely. He wraps his other arm around her and squeezes tightly. 

They sit in silence for a long while, watching the sun sink lower in the sky.

“Cosima?”

“Mm?”

“You ready to go for a swim now, starshine?” His smile is warm and gentle. 

She searches his face for a moment before giving a small nod. “Like we used to?”

He chuckles, brushing the sand from his legs as he stands. “Well, I think you’re a little big to ride on my shoulders now, but something like that.” He reaches a hand down to pull her up. “Ready?”

Cosima tightens her grip on his hand. Her gaze slips out over the tops of the waves as she nods. 

She gasps as the cold seawater rushes over her feet for the first time in sixteen years. Her father laughs, kicking up a stream of freezing water to make her shriek. She splashes back, lungs heaving with laughter as the water rises higher against her legs. She reaches for his hand again as the laughter fades to a comfortable silence, water rushing against her belly as it soaks her shirt. He tugs on her hands with a smile, towing her over the surface of the water in a familiar motion she’d almost forgotten. Her lips part in a wide grin, head thrown back to soak in the sky.

The cold water feels warmer now against her limbs. She meets his eyes again for a long moment. The smile fades.

“I have to go, don’t I?” Her voice is tiny, almost drowned out by the rushing waves. He nods solemnly, pulling her close.

“But I don’t want to lose – “ 

“You won’t, Cosima.” He grips her hand tighter. “I’ll be holding your hand, just like when you were little. It’s physics, remember?”

She nods silently, throat choked with tears. He folds her into a long hug, pressing a kiss to the top of her head. She sniffles as he releases her. 

“You can do this, honey.” Cosima lets herself sink lower in the water, eyes glued to his face. It laps against her cheeks, not quite filling her ears. He smiles and squeezes her hand. 

“I’ll be right there when you come back up.”

*  
Beeping. Constant, rhythmic beeping. _Was that always there?_ It gets louder, slowly, each beep piercing just slightly further through the fog. It sounds familiar, almost – the recognition floats just beyond her mind, tantalizingly close. If she could only reach out…

 _Hands._ She remembers hands, remembers reaching, touching, holding. She strains, feels something tighten – and the beeping gets faster. _Weird._ She tries again – a hypothesis. An experiment. Imagine reaching, imagine hands lifting, push – and more beeping, faster again. 

_Am I doing that?_

The beeping is curious, but it’s the reaching that captures her attention. Something isn’t right. She focuses, sending her newborn awareness down further, into her chest. She concentrates on the feeling until suddenly it’s there, the rise and fall that she remembers, steady and tidal, over and over. _Breathing. Breathing is good._ She’s still not sure, but she suspects breathing might mean she’s alive. She tries to direct the breath, make it come faster, bigger, fill up the rest of her, but there’s something in the way, something slick and artificial. Tubes. _Not again._

She follows the tubes against her skin, traces them in her mind from her nose back over her ears and down to her chest. The feeling changes halfway down one arm, gets warmer, heavier. More plastic. _Tubes, beeping – damn._ Her mind lights up with the sudden image of sterile whiteness, gloved figures hovering over her. It’s too bright, despite her closed eyes, and she flinches, calling back the soothing darkness, concentrating on beep after beep. She casts her mind down, feels something soft and solid below her. Grounding. Better.

 _It’s okay. Tubes can be good. Tubes can help._ Her mind works its way from one arm to the other, crawling spider-slow. Just below her elbow, there’s a feathered lightness. It’s just barely there, unmoving, actually fairly annoying the more she concentrates. She pushes down lower, past the infuriating softness, and finds pressure. _Ah, that’s why the reaching didn’t work._ She weighs the pressure against the weightlessness of her other hand, comparing them, testing them. _Too heavy for more tubes. Too light for restraints. And…warm._ The warmth takes her by surprise. It’s not bad.

She casts down lower, pulling out of her hand, back up her arm, through the rhythmic center of her chest – _heartbeat, good_ – and into her hips, where things get fuzzy. She probes lower still until she loses the trail. _Why?_ She tries again, confused hound chasing a lost scent. _Legs._ She remembers legs now – remembers moving, walking, running through stone tunnels in the winter air. _Where are they?_ Her mind cyclones, casts out wider, picking up speed. _There._ She finds them, but far too low, hanging down beneath her, tethered by something heavy. Something too hot to touch. 

Then – something new. Another sound filters through, soft and flowing. Her mind fills with green and brown, with the music of things growing in the earth. She listens harder, throws herself into the sound as it builds. There is a rhythm there, but one she cannot catch. She tries to punctuate the music with the beeping, breaking it into nice, beep-sized measures, but that’s not right at all. She tries again, listening for the spaces between the notes. 

_Words._ Words! She remembers all of them now, all at once, a sea of words in her ears, eyes, veins. She traces the outlines of each one, trailing along their contours with her mind, cool and smooth like porcelain. She’s forgotten how much she loves them. The music swells again, and the rhythm is easy to catch now.

“ – any better?”

“No signs of improvement. No change whatsoever.” She does not like this voice – dark, like burnt coffee on her tongue.

“Okay. Thank you.” _Better._ The grassy voice is back, throwing sun through green leaves against her mind.

Another sound now – shuffling. Footsteps. Suddenly, the heavy thing nestled in her right hand lifts, trailing the feathered lightness down her arm and into her palm until suddenly she is empty and cold. 

“Sorry, didn’t mean to wake you.” The voice is soft, almost too soft. She strains to catch it.

“No, no, s’okay. I was readin’ to her and must have drifted off.” A small flame lights inside her chest. This voice – she _likes_ this voice. The flame spreads, warming her through, and she is six years old, cuddled up against her mother in her parents’ giant bed, safe from the thunderstorm that rages outside their hilltop home.

“You should get some real sleep, Sarah. Go home, take a nap. I’ll stay with her.”

“No, no.” The warm voice is low, scratchy, and she finds herself agreeing. _Yes. Please sleep._

“Sarah…”

“I’m not leaving, Fe, so just…leave it, okay?” _Sarah. Fe._ Cosima’s mind swirls, catching hold of one small piece at a time. She splays the first ones in her hand, examining them. These things she can touch, feel, smell. _Wet paint, leaking from a poorly-capped bottle. Canvas. Leather. Whiskey. Red satin._ She clutches them in her hands, wading further in. The warmth spreads from her chest into her limbs. _A silver suitcase full of samples. A bar. Graffiti on cement walls. A hand in hers, twirling her, dancing. A hand in hers, holding her, crying._

The recognition is suddenly so close that Cosima can feel it coming, tries to steel herself. She sees the lights from the train ahead, feels the rush of air blow past her, the dirty concrete pressing into her shoeless feet. She calls out with her mind for someone she thinks she might have known once, someone who suddenly feels close behind her. Hands that look just like hers grip her arms, strong, bracing. Something soft brushes against her cheek. A familiar voice, this one from somewhere inside: _“Don’t worry. I promise, it doesn’t hurt.”_

The warmth is in her hand again, squeezing. 

“Cos…”

And then it hits.

*


	11. Ice in the Veins

_Too bright too loud too much too much._ She squeezed her eyes shut against the onslaught, gasping as her world sparked into being. 

“Cos…?” Sarah’s voice was cautious. A gasp could be an involuntary reflex. It might not mean anything.

Cosima counted slowly as her senses calibrated the new input. _Fifteen_. The light burned a little bit less. _Thirty-five_. The beeping no longer reverberated against the inside of her skull, sending shockwaves of pain through her body. _Fifty_. The numbers were muddy, but it didn’t matter. She focused, finding Sarah’s hand in hers – and squeezed.

“Cos?” Sarah’s voice was higher than she’d ever heard it. “Felix, I swear she just squeezed my hand.”

“You’ve said that before, darling.” Felix’s voice was gentle. “You know they said it’s just a reflex.”

“This was _different_ , Fe, I swear it.” She turned back to Cosima, moving closer. “Cos…” she whispered, not quite daring to hope. “Cos, can you hear me? Can you do that again?” 

Tears sprang to Cosima’s eyes at the desperation in Sarah’s voice, the feeling of her skin against hers. She squeezed again, hard. 

“Fe!” Sarah’s voice shook as she shouted, assaulting Cosima’s ears. “Fe, she did it again!” She leaned closer, climbing over the tubes and wires that snaked all over Cosima’s body, setting off a cacophony of alarms as monitors sprung from their proper homes. She cupped her hands around Cosima’s face, whispering hot and close. “Cos…can you hear me?”

Her eyelids were so incredibly heavy, the fluorescent light still too close to burning, but the sheer _nearness_ of Sarah, if she could just open her eyes…

A herculean effort. A blinding light. And then – her.   
“Cos!” Sarah let out a sound that was at once a laugh and a sob. She was on the bed, knees pushing into her, pressing their faces together as tears poured onto Cosima’s skin. Cosima smiled, breathing her in, her whole world filled with Sarah’s face, pressing salted tears into her skin. She felt Felix capture her other hand and hold it to his chest, laughing as his own tears streamed forth. 

*

Cosima sat curled into herself in the stiff, vinyl-covered armchair in her hospital room, Darwin’s “On the Origin of Species” resting open in her lap. The book itself was visibly worn, pages creased from years of being dog-eared, the spine cracked and bent. Her parents had given her this copy for Christmas when she was in high school – she’d lost count of how many times she’d read it since then. She found herself coming back to it now as a comfort, reading a few pages between the barrage of scans and appointments that filled her days now.

Her miraculous recovery remained, as far as the medical staff were concerned, miraculous. Their focus now was on mitigating the damage done by the disease that had ravaged her cells. Cosima complied gamely, quickly winning over her physical and respiratory therapists with a constant stream of witty sarcasm during her appointments. The work itself was painful and often frustrating, but it felt good to move, to struggle, to see the gradual progress she made each day. It was only at night that the fear caught up with her. She slept fitfully, waking up panting from dreams of being pursued by Duko, unable to move to protect herself, Kendall’s voice ringing in her ears. 

A gentle knock at the door roused Cosima from her reverie. She looked up just as Sarah poked her head through the door.

“Hey there,” Sarah said, crossing the room and setting a large plastic grocery bag on the table in the corner. “I brought dinner.” 

Cosima groaned in delight. “ _Thank you_ , oh my god. I’m so sick of this damn hospital food.”

“I know.” Sarah smiled and settled herself into the smaller chair next to Cosima’s. She reached over and briefly squeezed her hand. 

“So, how was school today?” It had become a joke between them in the last few weeks as Cosima spent her days re-learning skills that had once come easily.

“School was good,” Cosima replied softly, not quite meeting Sarah’s eye. She rubbed her thumb meditatively over the pages of the book still open in her lap, the worn parchment texture an old comfort. 

“Yeah?” Sarah asked cautiously. Cosima was usually more animated when she arrived each afternoon, eager to share the day’s successes or the gossip from the physical therapy staff.

“Yeah,” Cosima murmured, staring at her fingers as they traced the outlines of the page. Sarah waited silently. 

“I, uh… I got measured today,” Cosima blurted finally.

“Measured?”

Cosima nodded. “For a wheelchair.” She kicked absentmindedly at the hospital-issue chair parked next to the bed. “A real one, not this janky thing.”

“Ah.” Sarah gave a small nod. Her veins seem to fill with ice for a moment. They’d both known this moment was coming, but hearing Cosima say the words aloud was a new sensation. “How… how’d that go?”

Cosima shrugged. “It was fine. Didn’t take too long. We went online and ordered it – the frame’s red, or at least part of it is, so that’s sweet.” She heaved a sigh. “I don’t know. I know it’s not forever – or like, maybe forever but not like all the time I guess, it’s just…” Cosima trailed off, her hands making circles in the air as if trying to conjure the word she was looking for before falling dejectedly into her lap. “…New.”

“Yeah,” Sarah said quietly, at a loss for what to say. A thought was forming loosely in her mind – she felt feverish with the energy of it, jittery as though she’d just downed an espresso, or maybe something stronger from her wilder days. She reached for Cosima’s hand, meeting her eyes for the first time since she’d arrived, and let the thought burst. 

*

“ARE. YOU. MAD?!” Felix paced across the worn wooden floor of his living room. 

“Would you calm down, Fe? Quit bein’ so dramatic.”

Felix scoffed. “Oh, _I’m_ being dramatic? You’re ready to book the nearest U-Haul with the CLONE you’re shagging, and somehow I’m being dramatic?”

“Jesus, Fe,” Sarah spat. This histrionic reaction was the last thing she needed right now. “I told you, it’s not like that. It’s just so I can – just while she needs the help. You expect her to just move back down into that dungeon with the full flight of stairs?”

“I thought she was getting better with the stairs? Last time-“

“Well, yeah, better, but it’s still…” Sarah huffed defensively. “Not easy.”

“Okay, okay.” Felix lowered himself onto the couch next to her. “So she gets a ground floor flat somewhere. Gets a roommate to help with things. Why does that have to be _you_?”

“What, _you_ want to move outta this place into some accessible flat somewhere?”

Felix made a horrified look. “God, no. But Scott-“

“Felix, Cosima is not about to let Scott help her take a shower, for god’s sake.” She leaned back against the couch and rubbed at her tired eyes. “Just – it’s happening, alrigh’? Can you get on board or not?”

Felix rolled his eyes and scowled silently for a long moment. “You know I don’t move boxes.”

“Yeah.” Sarah grinned. “I know.”

*

The airy sounds of a synth-pop song floated through the Rabbit Hole basement. Cosima sat cross-legged on the bed, gradually transferring the stack of books piled next to her into a cardboard box. A pair of forearm crutches leaned against the wall beside her.

“Hey there.” She looked up to see Scott leaning against the glass doors that divided the bedroom from the rest of the lab. He grinned and gestured with one of the two steaming mugs in his hands. “Tea?”

“Oooh, yes please.” Cosima accepted the warm mug and brought it up to her nose, inhaling deeply. She’d lost so much weight in the course of her illness that her fingers were stiff with cold despite the warming temperatures outside. 

“What are you up to in here?” Scott asked, absentmindedly lifting an old textbook out of the box to examine the title. 

“Packing.” Cosima stole the textbook out of his grasp without glancing up and replaced it in the box.

“Are you serious? You’re still going through with this?”

“Scott, it just makes sense. Do you want to keep having to haul the chair up and down those stairs? Plus, it’s always freezing.”

“I know, but…. you and Sarah….” 

Cosima groaned and rolled her head back. “Dude, this again? You know it’s not like that.”

“I know,” Scott said in an unconvincing tone. “I just…” He stared at her for a moment, suddenly unwilling to continue the argument. 

“You know what, nevermind. You’re right, this will be better for you.” He turned and wandered back to the lab counter, setting his mug down with a loud clang. Cosima stared after him with a frown. She set her own mug on the nightstand and reached for the crutches, taking her time to haul herself up from the bed and find her balance. Her legs had become significantly more responsive the last few weeks, although the effort of getting from place to place was still exhausting.

Scott heard the metallic click of her crutches as Cosima approached, but did not turn. Suddenly, he felt the weight of her chin resting on his shoulder from behind. “Whatcha workin’ on?”

He fought off a smile. “New vector. Same as always.”

She nodded, chin digging into his shoulder. Her miraculous recovery had made their work seem slightly less dire, but the weight of who knows how many other Ledas dying one by one still pressed against both of them. “Any luck?”

“Maybe.” He shrugged his one free shoulder. “Can’t tell yet.” 

“Scott.” Cosima stood, angling herself into his line of sight. “I’m still in this. You know that, yeah?”

Scott continued to stare at the laptop screen, refusing to meet her eye. He shrugged again, aware that he was being churlish but unable to stop himself. Cosima’s brush with death had made him unexpectedly protective, and he feared this move could only end in heartbreak. He told himself that was the whole reason he objected to Cosima moving out. Jealousy definitely had nothing to do with it.

“Hey.” Cosima cocked her head, finally catching his eye. “I’m still gonna be here, all the time, working on this stuff. This is just something I need to do. For me. Ya know?”

Scott stared at her earnest expression, huffing out a breath as he felt her once again talking him out of using his better judgement. He nodded reluctantly. “I know.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A short chapter for now but more is on the way - thank you all for sticking with me and for leaving comments! You inspire me to see this to the end!


	12. Defying Old Habits

“Hey, Kira, Auntie Cos and I are gonna go look at a few more houses this afternoon. You want to join?” Sarah called over her shoulder, stirring milk into her tea in Felix’s tiny kitchen. Kira continued coloring at the coffee table without responding. 

“Hey, Monkey.” Sarah’s voice was gentle as she crossed the room. “Did you hear me?” She smiled as she knelt down next to her daughter, sipping cautiously at the hot tea. 

“No thanks, mom.” Kira responded without looking up. Sarah rubbed light circles on her daughter’s back.

“You don’t want to help me pick out a house for you and me? Or what, just too cool to be seen out with your mum now?” Sarah grinned, poking lightly at Kira’s ribs. Kira wiggled away without laughing. Sarah’s brow knit together in concern.

She stood, crossing the apartment slowly and poking her head through the beaded curtain into the bathroom. 

“Oi! A little warning!” Felix yelped, brandishing an eyeliner pencil at her in the mirror. “I nearly smudged.”

“Hey, does Kira seem a bit off to you lately?” 

Felix swiped the mug from Sarah’s hand and took a sip. “No more off than you’d expect the child of Sarah Manning to be.” He grinned cheekily, reclining against the sink and shooing the hair from his eyes with a casual flick of his head. Sarah shot him a look. 

“I’m serious, Fe. She’s being cagey. ‘Specially when Cos comes up in conversation. You don’t think…”

“Sarah, if she knows about you two, then she’s known for a long time. But this is new, yeah?” Felix handed the mug back and turned toward the mirror, raising the pencil back to his eye.

“Yeah.” Sarah rubbed her thumb distractedly over the rim of her reclaimed mug. “Ever since Cosima woke up, really.”

“Okay, so, what’s different since she…” Felix met her eyes in the mirror. “Oh.”

Sarah nodded slowly as the realization sank in. She sipped her tea. “Think I know how to fix it then.” 

*  
“Back in a sec!” Sarah called over her shoulder as she hefted the oversized metal door closed, praying that Felix remembered to lock it while she was gone. It would only take her a minute or two to take the garbage out to the dumpster, but that was an extra minute (or two) that someone could snatch Kira again, or frame Felix for murder, or put a gun to their heads, or, or, or…

Sarah shook her head to fight off the images that never left her a moment’s peace, no matter how many times she repeated her mantra: _They’re safe. They’re safe. They’re safe_. By the time she had dropped off the trash bags and climbed the stairs again, she was nearly sprinting, heart pounding with an equal mix of terror and exertion. The clang of the rusted elevator stopped her in her tracks. She spun toward the sound, bracing herself in a fighting position between the elevator and Felix’s door. 

“Hey you,” Cosima purred as she rolled out of the elevator. Her playful expression fell as Sarah’s shoulders visibly slumped with relief. “Hey. You okay?”

“Yeah. Yeah, sorry.” Sarah waved her concern away. She ran a hand through her wild hair, jittery from the adrenaline still pumping through her veins. 

“Sarah.” Cosima’s tone cut through the static. “Come on. What’s up?”

Sarah huffed a sigh through tight-pressed lips. “Just always expecting Rudy or Evie or Duko or whoever to come through the door, that’s all.”

Cosima nodded, her expression softening as she took hold of Sarah’s hands. “Well, all three of those people are dead, so it’s pretty unlikely.” She rubbed small, soothing circles over the backs of her hands with her thumbs. “But I know what you mean. It’s probably gonna be hard to ever accept that we’re safe. But I’m here, okay?” She pressed a kiss to Sarah’s knuckles. “You’re not alone, dude.”

“’ _Dude_ ’?” Sarah rolled her eyes with a smirk.

“Hey, if you can go around saying ‘bloody shite’ all the time – “ Cosima poked Sarah lightly in the ribs, adopting a shoddy approximation of her accent, “ – then I can hang on to some of my Northern California-isms.” Sarah flashed a small smile before leaning down to capture Cosima’s lips in hers. Cosima smiled into the kiss as she cupped her Sarah’s face tenderly, holding her close. They still had not discussed whatever this was blossoming between them, but the physical reassurance was impossible to resist.

Sarah pressed deeper into the comfort of the kiss, slipping her hands over Cosima’s knees and under her thighs. In a sudden surge of rippling muscle, she hoisted her into the air and pinned her hard against the wall with her hips, heart still pounding a frantic rhythm against her ribs. Cosima groaned at the sudden movement, tangling her hands in Sarah’s hair to pull her closer. Hot skin and cool leather pressed against every inch of her as Sarah lowered her lips to Cosima’s neck. Her breath caught as she tightened her legs around Sarah’s waist. 

“Sarah…” Cosima murmured, voice catching low in her throat. 

“Sorry,” Sarah hummed against Cosima’s neck between kisses. “Couldn’t help myself.”

“Oh for bloody Pete’s sake!” Identical features swung toward the sound, eyes wide at the sight of Felix leaning against the doorframe. “Are you two coming in or just putting on a show for all my neighbors?”

“Yeah, yeah,” Sarah mumbled through a heavy blush. “Just, um…talking…”

Felix and Cosima snorted simultaneously, meeting each other’s eyes with a startled grin as the concrete wall dug further into Cosima’s back. Sarah released her clone’s legs slowly, one at a time, her cheeks turning a deep scarlet. Felix rolled his eyes dramatically and shut the door once more, disappearing back into the apartment. 

Cosima chuckled, wrapping her arms around Sarah’s waist to pull her in. “So…you were saying?”

Sarah grinned and leaned in for another quick kiss. “Guess we should probably go in, huh?”

Cosima plopped back into her chair without warning, leaning to one side to adjust the waistband of her jeans. “You’re right. Time to spruce this thing up.”

“I’m glad you went for it.” Sarah smiled tenderly down at her.

“I love it!” She pressed another quick kiss to Sarah’s hand. “It’s a great idea, Sarah. I think it’ll help. Plus, it’ll look hella cool.” 

Sarah grinned as she turned to haul open the door, stepping aside to let Cosima squeeze past. “Hey, Monkey, look who’s here!”

Kira glanced up from her drawing briefly, waggling one hand over her head at her mother and Cosima. Sarah shot Cosima a meaningful look as she joined Felix in the kitchen, sipping at the tea that had gone cold in her mug. 

Cosima rolled forward slowly, giving Kira a wide berth. “Hey there, kiddo. Whatcha workin’ on?”

Kira shrugged without looking up. “A drawing.”

Cosima nodded thoughtfully. “I can see that. Well, I brought you something that might help. Wanna see?”

The temptation was too much to resist. She peeked at Cosima through a curtain of hair. “What is it?”

Cosima smiled, resisting the urge to ruffle Kira’s hair. She pulled a stack of thick white paper from her bag and placed it on the table in front of her. Kira scrunched her eyebrows together, visibly confused. 

“It’s…paper?”

“It’s a type of paper, yep.” Cosima nodded sincerely. “Does it feel different than what you have there?” She inched closer, tapping Kira’s drawing with one ringed finger. 

Kira looked at her curiously for a moment before picking up a sheet of the new paper, handling it carefully. “It’s thicker?”

“Yep, that’s true! How else is it different?” Cosima leaned forward, resting her elbows on her knees. From across the room, Sarah marveled at the way Cosima was always completely engaged when she spoke to Kira, giving her full attention.

“Well, one side is sorta shiny.” Kira turned the paper over in her hands, studying it closely.

Cosima smiled. “You’re right!” She picked up a piece from the pile and slid her thumbnail against the corner, separating the layers. “See this? It’s actually two layers stuck together. So if you take the shiny layer off – “

“It’s a sticker!” Kira grinned, facing her aunt full-on for the first time. 

“Yeah!” Cosima mirrored her niece’s wide smile. “So, I was hoping you could use that to help me out with a project.” Kira raised one eyebrow at her, perfectly replicating a look Cosima had seen on Sarah’s face too many times to count. She stifled a laugh at the similarity before turning to the side, gesturing to one wheel. 

“You see this?” she asked, knocking her knuckles against the plastic guard that covered the spokes of one wheel. Kira nodded slowly, visibly suspicious at the new direction of their conversation. “It’s kind of boring and black, right? I was thinking that you could design some stickers for me to put on here. You can draw them on that paper and then we can cut them out and stick them on. What do you think?”

Kira stared at her hesitantly for a moment before glancing down at the wheel Cosima had indicated. Her grin returned as her eyes met her aunt’s gaze again, nodding enthusiastically. “Cool!”

“Awesome!” Cosima indulged her earlier instinct and ruffled her Kira’s hair affectionately. “Actually, I’m not gonna take my chair with me today since we’re going to be in and out of the car so much. How about I leave it here with you, and you and Uncle Felix can surprise me with the stickers when we get back?”

Kira nodded again, grinning happily as she grabbed a piece of sticker paper from the pile and set to work. Cosima turned, meeting Sarah and Felix’s smiles over her shoulder.

“So! Are we ready to go? I wanna get out of here before I’m too tempted to peak at Kira’s masterpiece.”

*

In the end, there were maybe one or two more rainbow stickers than Cosima would have chosen for herself. Fourteen, to be precise. Sarah laughed so hard she’d turned purple, clutching her stomach and howling into Felix’s couch. When she’d calmed down enough to reassure Kira that she was laughing at Cosima’s face (“not at your art, Monkey!”), she explained that Kira had seen a rainbow flag the week before and asked what it meant. Now, apparently, every drawing that featured either Uncle Felix or Auntie Cosima also included at least three rainbows floating over them.

Cosima let it slide for Kira’s sake, resigning herself to the fact that she was now going to be a one-woman gay pride parade on days she went out in the wheelchair. Sarah’s constant teasing when Kira was out of earshot, however – _that_ she could do without.

“Ready to go, roller derby?” Sarah smirked. Cosima shot her an exaggerated eye roll as they finished up the tour and exited the school grounds. Sarah laid a hand on her shoulder briefly to make amends. 

“So…?” Cosima smiled up at Sarah, nudging her playfully. “What’d you think? I thought it was pretty sweet. Plus, they seem to have a really strong science program.”

“Yeah, for a new-age hippie school where she’s probably gonna learn to grow weed for biology class.” Sarah grumbled good-naturedly. She was quiet for a few moments, soaking in the weak spring sunlight as they made their way further downtown.

“I don’t know, though, Cos,” Sarah mumbled, toes scuffing the pavement as they walked. “Is it too soon to send her back?”

“It’s been months since we’ve had any clone issues, Sarah. I know it’s hard to believe, but I really think we’re off the hook, at least for now.” 

Sarah tried unsuccessfully to return her comforting smile. Cosima changed tactics. “Plus, with Kira out of the house a little bit more…” She waggled her eyebrows suggestively as Sarah burst into a laugh.

“Keep it in your pants, Niehaus.” Sarah smiled genuinely this time.

“Ugh, but it’s so _hard_ when I have such a great view of that ass.” Cosima smirked, slowing down dramatically and cocking her head to the side as she ogled Sarah. 

Sarah’s smile grew as she swatted Cosima, twisting out of her line of sight. “Cosima!”

“Oh, what, you’re Miss Modesty now, huh?” Cosima grinned mischievously as she pushed off again, catching up to Sarah. 

“Think that rainbow chair’s making you gayer,” Sarah shot back.

Cosima laughed, throwing her head back and sucking in a lungful of the crisp Canadian air. They cruised for a moment in comfortable silence. “Really, though. You’re making the right decision. And Kira’s excited about it!”

“I know you’re right, I’m just a little overprotective still.” Sarah shook her head ruefully. “I’m turning into bloody Mrs. S.” 

Cosima snorted. “Oh, please, you could do a lot worse than – “

A new voice cut through the air. “Cosima?”

If Cosima hadn’t frozen next to her, Sarah would have been sure she’d imagined it – the familiar lilt of the name, the last syllable rising with unmistakable emphasis. Sarah’s heart thundered in her ears. She forced herself to turn around as Cosima swiveled next to her, gazing into a face surrounded by perfect blonde curls. 

Sarah was the first to find her voice.

“Delphine?”

Delphine was silent, her eyes locked on Cosima’s wide-eyed stare. Sarah’s gaze pinged between the two women in front of her. Something hot and sharp spiked through her chest.

“Okay. We’re not doin’ this here.” Sarah’s voice shook. She needed action, needed to move right now, before she crumbled. “Felix’s place is half a block away. C’mon.” She stepped behind Cosima, bending low to murmur in her ear. “Okay if I push?” Cosima nodded mutely, eyes still locked on Delphine. Sarah spun the chair, pushing off in the direction of Felix’s flat. She forced herself not to run. 

“You comin’ or not, Frenchie?” Sarah spat over her shoulder. She gripped the handles tighter to hide the violent shake in her hands. Delphine shook herself, jogging slightly to catch up. 

They walked to Felix’s place in strained silence. Sarah swerved sharply towards the elevator as they entered the building, forcing Delphine to lurch awkwardly away from the stairs, defying old habits. The fumbled movement gave Sarah a sick sense of pleasure. She jabbed her finger angrily into the ‘up’ button, fidgeting uncontrollably until the elevator arrived. 

When the metal doors finally slid open, Cosima waved her hands away. 

“I got it, Sarah.” The words were hoarse, quiet. 

Sarah burst from the elevator on the second floor like a breath held too long. She banged on the metal door, counting the seconds it took Felix to answer as she shoved her hands in her pockets to stop their shaking. Felix slunk through the doorway seven eternally long seconds later, dramatic smirk disappearing from his lips as he took in the sight in front of him. 

“These two need a place to...talk.” Sarah forced the words out gruffly, eyes fixed on her boots.

“Oh, my,” Felix drawled. “The elusive Dr. Cormier at last. Even more baggage this time, I imagine.” Felix’s smirk was back, indomitable. He stepped aside as Cosima pushed past without looking at him. Delphine took a step forward before pausing, eyes darting nervously towards Felix.

“Ah…thank you, Felix,” she mumbled, ducking her head as she stepped past him into the loft.

“Don’t mention it.” He turned on his heel, gliding over to Cosima. “We’ll be right outside, darling,” he murmured, gripping her shoulders bracingly. “Don’t let her fool you with that hair, alright? Probably a bloody wig all this time.” Cosima’s lips twitched in acknowledgement without meeting his gaze. He bent to press a quick peck to the top of her head. 

“And you” – he rounded on Delphine - “better have a damn good explanation for all this.” He looked her up and down menacingly before stalking out of the room, slamming the door behind him. Only then did he notice Sarah, pacing wildly, hands tearing at her hair. _Oh, shit._

Felix’s clone phone rang loudly before he could take a step, echoing in the concrete hallway. Alison. 

“Oh, thank God, Alison,” he answered. “Whatever you’re doing right now, I need you to drop it and get over here.” 

“Felix, I cannot just drop what I am doing, I have to take Gemma to – “

“Alison. Delphine is back.” He let the words sink in for a moment. Sarah shot him a wild-eyed look at the name before pacing again.

Felix turned around hurriedly, cupping his hand over his mouth. “She and Cosima are in my flat right now hashing it out, and I’ve got a very displeased Sarah on my hands, so I could really use some backup here, if you please.” 

There was silence for a moment, muffled voices undulating in the background. 

“I’m on my way.” 

Felix hung up, shoving the phone back into his pocket as his chest filled with dread. Behind him, Sarah continued to pace, shaking visibly.

“Sarah?” His voice was quiet, keeping distance between them. He knew this routine – he knew what came next.


	13. Don't Say It

Cosima stood slowly as Felix shut the door behind him, needing to move before she could think. Delphine took a half step toward her, reaching out a tentative hand to help.

“No!” Cosima lowered her voice to a growl as Delphine dropped her hand. “Don’t touch me.”

“Cosima…”

Cosima rounded on her, throat burning with bile. “Delphine, you were gone for _eight months_ and now you just…show up on the street? What the hell am I supposed to think?” 

“Cosima, I – “

“No, you don’t get to talk!” Cosima paced along the back of the couch, hands trembling with anger. “So, what, did you just decide all this clone shit was too much to handle and just…take off?”

“I was _shot_ , Cosima!”

“Yeah, eight months ago! And that was – that was fucking horrible, and I’m – “Cosima gestured wildly, encompassing all of Delphine. “I’m glad you’re okay. I…” She trailed off, swiping angrily at the tears pooling in the corners of her eyes. “But I had _no idea_ what happened to you. You were just _gone_. And I – I assumed the worst. And now you’re just _here_ , and you just…walked up on the street, like nothing’s wrong-"

“I know.” Delphine’s voice shook. “You have every right to be upset. I am – I am so sorry, Cosima.” She dropped onto the couch with none of the grace Cosima remembered. “Are you going to let me explain myself?” 

Cosima stared down at Delphine without responding, taking in the perfect curls, the strong shoulders, the long neck - every bit as beautiful as she remembered. _Dammit._

Cosima circled the couch, lowering herself tentatively onto the end opposite Delphine. Delphine’s hands were balled up in her lap, chin tucked to her chest. 

“Cosima, I…” Delphine rubbed the back of her hand nervously. “I never meant to be gone for so long. I thought I was protecting you. I – “ Her eyes flew to Cosima’s face suddenly. “Didn’t you wonder about the scar?”

“What – “ Cosima broke off, bewildered eyes scanning her ex-girlfriend’s body. The words came out low and slick. “You mean from being shot?”

“Non, non.” Delphine shook her head. A small smile flitted across her lips. “Although they are in a very similar place.”

“They?” 

Delphine’s brow furrowed. “You didn’t notice your scar?” 

Cosima’s eyes went wide in alarm. Delphine reached out, tentatively, eyes darting to her ex’s face for permission. Cosima nodded slightly, following the motion with her eyes as Delphine’s fingers extended towards her abdomen. Electricity shocked between them as long fingers brushed against her stomach. 

“Here.”

Cosima stared at Delphine for a moment before rolling up her shirt and glancing down at her abdomen. Low, below her belly button – a small, purple incision mark. 

“How…?” Cosima’s eyes flashed with a mixture of awe and alarm.

“I – “ Delphine faltered. “I know because I gave it to you.”

“You what?” Cosima’s eyebrows shot up to her hairline.

Delphine nodded. “When you were in the hospital…that’s what I was doing, all this time. Evie’s people picked me up after the shooting. I had access to the bot technology…I found a way to use it.”

“Wait.” Cosima shook her head violently, eyes closed to stave off the words. “You’re saying you put a _bot_ in me? Without my consent?”

Delphine shook her head immediately, holding out a hand to reassure Cosima. “Non. I converted the gene therapy system to work in a temporary format. It has most likely already dissolved. I – “ She shot a nervous look at Cosima. “I implanted it in one of the polyps at the source. Now – “

“Now the replication is working in our favor.” Delphine nodded as Cosima gaped. 

Delphine’s lip trembled faintly under the weight of Cosima’s stare. Her next words came out hushed. “I am sorry that I was not able to find a cure before the…” She gestured weakly towards the wheelchair next to the couch. “…neurological effects set in.”

“Hey, no, that’s – “ Cosima waved her hands in front of her face emphatically, suddenly drained of her anger. “That’s honestly fine. It’s not even an everyday thing, just longer distances or whatever. We were checking out a new school for Kira earlier, it’s like ten blocks away so we just – “

“Oh, Kira, how is she?”

“She’s great! She’s…an incredible kid.” Cosima struggled to find a word to encompass her niece’s unique abilities. Her fingers trailed absentmindedly over the small, raised scar before meeting Delphine’s eyes again. 

“I can’t believe you did this.” The words were a hoarse whisper. 

Delphine shrugged one shoulder, eyes locked on her face. Cosima stared, wide eyed. She knew she had been closer to death than ever before, knew that no one could explain the sudden upswing in her health, but those were just facts. This was the living truth of it – Delphine, hunched over Brightborn’s experimental technology in a lab somewhere, working tirelessly in secret to save her life.

She inched closer to Delphine, raising one hand to cup her cheek. The contact sent a deep throb of old longing through her chest.

“Delphine, I…”

They crashed into each other without warning, lips searching desperately as they melted into the familiar embrace. Delphine pulled Cosima onto her lap, clutching her against her chest. Cosima slid her other hand up to Delphine’s cheek, tracing the salted tracks that ran down her face. Her lips pleaded against Delphine’s, a dance of instinct and habit and pure, unadulterated gratitude. This was so familiar, so comfortable, so…

_So wrong._

Cosima pulled away abruptly, bright eyes staring deep into Delphine’s. Something cracked inside her chest and left her suddenly hollow.

“I can’t,” Cosima mumbled. She shook her head slowly, blinking as reality set in. “I can’t, Delphine.” She slid back onto the couch, shaking her head again. 

Delphine stared in alarm. “You don’t…”

“No, no, I do.” Cosima’s eyes filled. She fought off the tremble in her lower lip. “I do love you. Of course I do.” The first tear carved a solitary path down her cheek. “I probably always will. But I can’t do this again.”

Delphine’s eyes roved slowly over her face, mouth falling open. Her gaze hardened. 

“You’ve met someone else.”

“No. Well, yes. But that’s not why. We weren’t…this all started with a _lie_ , Delphine. All the lies…” The tears flowed stronger now. “I can’t do that anymore. I don’t _want_ to do that anymore.”

“Cosima, cherie, it’s over now. I’m done with those people, I don’t – “

“Yeah, you’ve said that before.” Her voice was hard, final. “I know that…that you didn’t have a choice in a lot of this. And that you had to do things to protect us that you never should have had to.” She reached for Delphine’s hand, fighting off a fresh wave of tears. “Thank you. Seriously…I can never thank you enough. But I can’t –“ 

Her last words were lost in a choking sob, voice rising high in wonderment as though Cosima herself could not believe the words could be true. “I can’t trust you.”

Delphine snatched her hand away, gaping at Cosima. Her mouth closed slowly as bewilderment turned to fury. She stood abruptly. 

“I should go.” 

Cosima nodded without looking up, curling her knees into her chest to stifle another sob as the door slammed. 

*

Sarah stumbled blindly, not registering Felix’s voice as he approached slowly. She turned on her heel and screamed, an awful, hoarse sound that tore out of her throat as she ripped at her hair, turning in one fluid motion and cracking her fist into the wall. She cried out at the contact, holding her knuckles to her mouth briefly before laying into the wall again, pounding, tearing, kicking. 

“Hey, Sarah! Sarah! Stop!” He was shouting now, closing the space between them in two quick strides. He gripped her shoulders hard, spinning her to face him. “Hey! Stop!” She clawed at his jacket, at her own hair, ripping out fistfuls as a sob tore through her body.

Felix moved instinctively, pinning her hard to the wall to stop the beating. Sarah gasped and choked against his shoulder, fighting to catch her breath against the relentless, ragged sobs, finally wilting against him. They sunk slowly to the floor as Felix gathered her trembling form in his arms.

“Shhh,’ Felix soothed. He tightened his grip around her, holding her against his chest, close to the beat of his own shattered heart. He’d only seen his sister like this twice before – once, when Kira’s life hung in the balance; again, more recently, when that life had been Cosima’s. 

Felix rocked Sarah on the filthy floor of his building as her sobs slowed to heaving breaths. She lay limp against him, head tucked into the crook of his neck. He felt meaningless words rising in his throat and forced himself to choke them down. _Don’t tell her everything will be okay. Don’t say it._

Sarah was silent for a long time. When she did speak, he almost missed it – the words were nothing more than a thick breath. “How long have they been in there?”

Felix pulled his phone from his pocket with one hand, checking the time. “About thirty minutes.” He felt Sarah nod softly against his chest. 

Another shaky breath. “She still loves her, Fe.”

“Shhh,” he soothed again, squeezing her tighter. He stayed silent for a moment. “She loves you, too. You know that.” 

“We’ve never – “

“It doesn’t matter if you’ve said it or not, Sarah.” He grabbed her shoulders gently, pushing her away until they were face to face and flashing a small smile. “Everyone who looks at you two can see it. You’re really quite obvious, dear.” 

Sarah searched his face for reassurance. “But what if – what if we’re just…” she covered her face with her hands, rubbing her swollen eyes. The words came out in a defeated whisper. “Delphine’s the love of her bloody life.”

As if on cue, Felix’s front door slid open with a metallic grumble as Delphine emerged, sniffling. She shot the pair a searing glance through heavy-lidded eyes before slamming the door and disappearing into the stairwell, the click of her heels fading as she slipped away. Sarah and Felix stared after her for a moment, both jumping as Alison’s face emerged over the top of the staircase.

Alison froze at the sight of the two of them on the floor.

“Oh, Sarah.” Her voice dripped with pity. Felix stood quickly, rushing to intercept her before she set Sarah off again. 

“Hey, hey.” His hands were on her shoulders, leading her away from Sarah’s shaking form. “Thank you for coming. Delphine just left – “

“I know, I saw her downstairs.” Alison’s knuckles came to rest under her chin. “She looked… _unhinged_ , Felix.”

“Right, well, if the French cyborg is upset, I can’t imagine what it looks like in there.” Felix nodded toward the door to his apartment. “Why don’t you go in there and work on that mess while I stay out here with this one?” Alison nodded curtly, shooting a last pitied glance at Sarah. She met Felix’s eye again as they spoke simultaneously:

“Good luck.”

*

Cosima heaved a breath at the sound of the metal door sliding open. “Felix, I don’t want to talk about it, okay?” She lay face down on the couch, words muffled by the woolen blanket beneath her. Alison sat primly on the edge of the couch and laid one hand on her sister’s back.

“It’s not Felix, but you don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to.” Cosima rolled her head slightly to one side, peaking out through a curtain of dreadlocks. Her red eyes were ringed with smudged makeup.

“Oh. Hey.” Cosima’s eyes welled up again at the sight of her sister. She buried her face back into the blanket as a fresh sob escaped. 

“Shhh,” Alison soothed, rubbing her back lightly. “Come on, why don’t we put you up in Felix’s bed?”

“I’m not sick anymore, Alison. You don’t have to put me to bed.” The words lost their acerbic bite somewhere between Cosima’s mind and her mouth, falling flat and pathetic at Alison’s feet.

“No,” Alison agreed, nodding slightly as she pushed the hair away from Cosima’s eyes. “But you’re heartbroken. And that’s just as bad.”

Cosima met her gaze again, lip trembling violently. She nodded as silent tears poured forth. 

“Come on.” Alison scooped her sister’s small form into her arms, pulling her up to sitting. She stood slowly, supporting Cosima’s weight with an arm thrown around her waist. Cosima sagged further into Alison’s arms as they made their way up to Felix’s bedroom loft, her remaining energy slipping away as they ascended. It took three tries for her foot to clear the last step.

“Almost there,” Alison murmured, tightening her grip around Cosima as they closed the last few feet. Cosima flopped onto the bed, eyes already closed as Alison pulled the sheet up over her and settled next to her on the edge of the mattress. She stroked Cosima’s forehead gently, relishing in the warmth of the touch – the last time she’d done this, her sister’s skin had been cold and deathly pale. 

“It’s over.” Cosima’s words were hollow, muffled by the pillow clutched to her chest. Alison was silent, still rubbing her thumb lightly over Cosima’s forehead as her snuffed breaths drew slowly longer, fading into fitful sleep. 

Alison slipped Cosima’s glasses gently off her face and placed them on the nightstand, swiveling at the sound of the loft door sliding open. Felix poked his head in, glancing around until he located her. His eyebrows rose in an unspoken question. 

“She’s asleep,” Alison mouthed as she descended the stairs. 

Felix nodded, pulling her in for a brief hug. “God, this is awful.” 

Alison nodded against his chest before pulling back. “How’s Sarah?” 

“A bloody mess, still, but at least calmer.” Felix pressed paint-stained fingertips to his temples, rubbing away the gathering clouds of a tension headache behind his eyes. “Can you drop her off at S’s when you go? I don’t want these two in the same room just yet.”

“No, you’re absolutely right. Of course I will.” 

Felix nodded, casting his eyes up to the vaguely clone-shaped lump under his covers. “How’d it go in here?”

“I didn’t get any details. She was too exhausted. But she’s clearly devastated.” Alison’s knuckles came to rest under her chin again, steadying herself. “All she said was, ‘it’s over’”. 

The meaningful look Felix shot her was interrupted by a soft noise from the doorway. Sarah leaned against the metal frame, wild mane contained under her black hood. She kept her eyes down, still sniffling softly, focusing hard on the toe of her leather boot. Even after all they’d been through together, softness from Sarah still unnerved Alison – she never knew how to respond to this entirely new person that took over her rebel sister’s body from time to time. 

Alison squeezed Felix’s hand briefly before crossing to the door. “Ready to go?” 

Sarah simply nodded and walked away without looking up, leaving Alison to follow with a shaky breath.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're nearing the end, folks. I seriously cannot thank you guys enough for all the incredible comments - they mean so incredibly much to me. You guys have pushed me to keep going with this fic and given me so much more confidence as a writer and for that I am so grateful. More chapters coming soon (:


	14. How Could I Not?

Cosima awoke to weak spring sunlight streaming through the dirty windows above her. She stared at the ceiling as pieces of the puzzle slowly floated back to her – she was in Felix’s bed, that much was clear, but why – _oh_. Her stomach heaved as last night’s conversation came back in a rush. 

She sat up quickly to escape the feeling, fumbling for her glasses. The sound of metallic clanging drew her attention. Across the room, Felix shook a can of spray paint aggressively before attacking a homemade stencil he held against the concrete wall. Cosima squinted for a moment before remembering her glasses and slipping them over her ears. She smiled as the freshly painted words came into focus. _Just one, I’m a few…_

Felix turned at the sound of blankets rustling across the room. He pulled the bandana from his mouth and smiled, replacing the can of paint on the table. 

“Well, look who decided to join the living,” he joked, springing lightly up the stairs, two at a time. 

“Hey, Fe.” Her small grin crumbled as she realized her slip - that was Sarah’s name for him. _Sarah. Shit._

He sat at the foot of the bed, jauntiness suddenly replaced with a quiet warmth. “How’d you sleep?”

“Um, okay, I guess?” Cosima rubbed the sleep from her face. “Shitty dreams, ya know?”

He nodded softly, taking one of her hands. “Well, how about this – why don’t you go have a shower, wash off this utterly delightful raccoon look you’ve got going, and I’ll make us a cuppa and then we can talk, yeah?”

She nodded, pressing her lips together to keep them from quivering. _Shower first. Then cry. Or maybe shower and cry. But not here._ Felix rose, holding her hands firmly and pulling her to her feet. She wobbled dangerously as they crossed toward the stairs, limbs weighed down by the anvil that still pressed against her heart from the night before. Felix glanced at her sorry state for a moment before seemingly making up his mind. 

“Okay.” He stepped down a stair and put his back to her. “Hop on.”

Cosima stared for a minute. “Uh, what?”

“Just, hop on, would you? These stairs are questionable on the best of days and no offense, darling, but you’re a bloody mess right now. So - ” He patted his shoulder blades emphatically. “Hop. On.”

Cosima grinned at his peevishness, wrapping her arms around his shoulders. She yelped as he grabbed her behind and scooped her up. “Hey, woah! Legs, dude! Not ass!”

“Well, you get what you get,” he huffed as they descended the stairs and crossed to her chair, still parked by the couch. Felix let go of her legs without warning and was nearly choked to death by her grip on his neck.

“You get what you get.” Cosima quoted him cheekily, laughing at Felix’s sputtering as she settled herself. 

Cosima pushed back through the beaded bathroom curtain just as the kettle whistled on the stove, a towel draped around her shoulders, muscles loose from the deliciously warm water. She borrowed a pair of leggings and a clean shirt from Felix, both of which fit almost disturbingly well. By the time she’d changed and settled onto the couch, Felix was resting two steaming mugs of tea on the coffee table and curling up in a chair, legs tucked under him. 

Cosima avoided his eyes for a moment, instead curling her hands around the warm mug and breathing in the steam. “Hey, uh, how…I mean, where’s Sarah?”

Felix stared at her for a moment, his expression completely opaque. It was clearly not the question he’d been expecting.

“Alison dropped her off at S’s last night. We thought…well, we weren’t sure you two should be in the same room together just yet.”

“Oh.” Cosima gave a small nod. “I guess that…makes sense.”

“I think – “Felix broke off, looking her up and down carefully. “I think you should tell me what’s going on before we bring my sister back into this. She can be…” he trailed off, but Cosima caught the meaning. She heaved a sigh and took a cautious sip of her tea.

“It’s over, Felix.” Felix leaned forward and took the mug from her shaking hands, replacing it on the table. She hugged a pillow to her chest, burying her face in it. Felix waited quietly, knowing better than to pry. 

“I…I ended it. It’s my fault.”

“Oh, darling.” Felix’s voice was soft as he reached over to squeeze her hand. “None of this is your fault.”

“No, it is.” She nodded, raising her eyes to meet his. “I made her promise to love all of us equally. And she kept her promise. That’s why she stayed with them, with DYAD and Topside and all of it. She protected us from the inside. But it’s my own damn fault for not realizing I couldn’t be with someone who couldn’t…commit, ya know? Who couldn’t just…be with me.” Her lip trembled again, tears threatening on the horizon.

Felix nodded thoughtfully, squeezing her hand. “So, it had nothing to do with Sarah.”

“It has everything to do with Sarah. Sarah put me first, every time. She’s – “ Cosima waved her hands wildly, trying to come up with a single word to encompass all of her. “I mean she’s _Sarah_ , ya know? She’s the wild one. The brave one. Delphine…Delphine saved my life, Felix. But Sarah did too. In just as real a way.”

He stared at her for a long moment, letting her words sink in. “What do you mean, saved your life?”

Cosima rolled up her shirt wordlessly, showing him the scar. “Remember how I just sorta came back to life and we didn’t know why?” Felix nodded, wide eyes fixed on the mark. “Well, apparently, Dr. Cormier is also a decent surgeon.” 

_“Holy. Shit._ She actually did that to you?”

Cosima nodded. “She figured out a way to manipulate Evie’s bot tech to essentially turn off the clone disease. Apparently she used a dissolvable casing instead of a real bot, so it’s already out of my system. But it worked.”

“Bloody hell.” Felix’s mouth gaped open.

“I know.” She nodded, reaching again for her tea and taking a comforting sip. She loved the way Felix and Sarah made tea – it was always exactly the same as the way Siobhan took it. She thought back to the first time she’d had it, back when she’d first arrived in Toronto. She’d been heartbroken and homesick and terrified, and Siobhan had made her a cup of tea and held her hand and told her all the things a mother was supposed to say. Her eyes filled at the memory.

“What am I gonna do, Fe?” She whispered, cursing herself as Sarah’s nickname slipped into her mouth again the way Sarah herself had slipped into every corner of her life. 

“Well, what do you want?” His voice was gentle, but Cosima felt him pull back a bit – after all, his loyalty was to Sarah, not to her. If she was going to leave his sister, he certainly wasn’t about to sit here and rub her back and tell her that was alright with him.

“I want – “

Felix’s clone phone beeped loudly, cutting her off. He glanced down at the screen. “S. Wants to know what’s going on here.”

“Ask her how Sarah is?”

Felix’s eyes narrowed almost imperceptibly. “First, finish what you were saying.”

Cosima sighed exaggeratedly. “I want to be with her, Felix. How do you not know that? Of course I want to be with her. She’s…she makes me…agh.” She closed her eyes, pinching the bridge of her nose. 

“I love her, okay?” The words were barely a whisper, offered more to the pillow on her lap than to him. She forced herself to meet his gaze again. “I always have. No matter what else was happening. It’s just bigger now.”

“And what about Delphine? You still love her?” Felix’s eyes were fixed intently on her face. Cosima’s lip trembled again, always her greatest tell. She nodded slowly.

“Yeah. But I love what we had. It’s over now. There’s…. there’s no future there.” The tears fell in earnest now. “I just need like, half a second to deal with that before jumping into something new. I swear I’m not going to hurt her, Felix. I just…need a little bit of time.”

*

“You sure you’re alright on your own, love?” Felix leaned out the driver’s side window, concern written across his face.

“Fine, Felix, I’m fine.” Cosima dismissed him breezily, digging through her purse with both hands. “Thanks for the ride. I’ll see you later, okay?” Felix waved, easing Beth’s car away from the curb. Art had let him keep the car after he’d finished closing out Beth’s estate. There had been no one else to claim it – a fact too painful for either of them to speak aloud. 

“Finally!” Cosima threw her hand in the air triumphantly, holding her previously missing keys aloft and realizing a moment too late that there was no one else around to celebrate this small victory. She grinned sheepishly and shoved the key into the lock, pushing her way through the outmoded doorway with a huff. The door to the Rabbit Hole closed behind her with a heavy creak, the sudden dusty silence of the empty shop ringing oppressively. Cosima exhaled slowly, relishing the first moment alone in days.

The buzzer that unlocked the basement door rang aggressively under her touch. Cosima parked her chair at the top of the stairs and slipped to the floor, easing herself down the rickety staircase one stair at a time. Her crutches leaned against the wall at the bottom where she’d left them, though she could feel the toll that the long break from their use had taken on her in the past several days. She grabbed one crutch and braced herself against the banister. Her legs trembled with disuse and buckled under the strain, sending her crashing back down onto the landing with a groan. 

“Cos? That you?” A sleepy voice croaked from the bedroom. Cosima jolted at the sudden sound, shrinking into the stair behind her. Her heart thundered in her ears, drowning out the sound of Sarah’s shuffling approach. 

“Jesus, Sarah, you scared the shit out of me!” Cosima rubbed her chest and puffed out her cheeks, exhaling slowly. “What the hell are you doing here?”

“Sorry, Cos, I’m sorry.” She shuffled her feet against the cold stone floor, eyes fixated on Cosima’s anxious movement. “I didn’t have anywhere else to go and I figured you were still at Fe’s so… I stayed here.” 

“Felix said you were with Siobhan though.”

“I was, for a moment. But I’m not…this isn’t…” Sarah sighed, running a hand through her unkempt mane. “I don’t want Kira to see me like this, okay?”

Cosima nodded, processing. Her eyes raked over Sarah as the shock of her sudden appearance faded. “Sarah, are you…. wearing my clothes?”

“Oh, uh…” Sarah met Cosima’s eyes for the first time with a brief, sheepish grin. “Guess so.” Cosima let out a short bark of a laugh. She reached for her fallen crutch, bracing once more against the banister. 

“Woah, woah, woah – “ Sarah interjected, stepping closer to Cosima. “Did you fall doin’ that just now? I thought I heard a crash.” 

“It’s fine.” Cosima shrugged and scooted forward with a grimace, stiff muscles throbbing.

“Here.” Sarah squatted in front of her, hands hovering over Cosima’s thigh. “Can I?” Their eyes met for a moment, unspoken words clouding the air between them. Cosima nodded faintly. Her head tipped back and a low groan escaped her lips as Sarah’s thumbs dug carefully into her thighs, massaging the taut muscles beneath. Cosima leaned back against the stair, melting into the warm strength of Sarah’s touch as the tension eased from her body. Sarah’s hands travelled down each leg, kneading until the muscle gave in to her touch. Her eyes met Cosima’s once more, this time with only an unguarded, earnest concern. “That any better?” 

Cosima gave a small smile and nodded, stretching each leg out in front of her to test the effects of Sarah’s ministrations. “Thanks,” she whispered. 

“S’no problem.” Sarah rose to her feet once more, offering her hands down to Cosima. “Wanna try again?” 

Cosima hesitated for a beat before reaching up to grip Sarah’s arms, easing slowly to her feet and finding herself suddenly nose to nose with Sarah. “Hey,” she whispered. 

“Hey,” Sarah replied softly, not quite meeting Cosima’s eyes. “You, uh…you want me to get the crutches?”

“Sarah.” Cosima tightened her grip on Sarah’s arms before she could pull away. “Why won’t you look at me?”

Sarah’s eyes hardened as they finally met Cosima’s. “Why do you want me to? Aren’t you on your way back to Delphine anyway?” Sarah pulled one hand away angrily, holding tightly to Cosima with the other, torn between support and wounded fury. She grabbed the crutches and shoved them against Cosima before ripping her other hand away.

“What the hell is that supposed to mean?”

“Whaddya think it means?” Sarah spat angrily, turning her back. “The love of your bloody life is back from the dead, Cosima. You think I don’t know what that means?” 

“Oh, I get it. Delphine shows up and you think I’m just going to throw away everything you and I have?” Cosima’s voice rose as she advanced on Sarah. “What the hell kind of person do you think I am?”

“Oh come on, Cosima. I saw your face when she showed up. You still love her. I was just….somethin’ to pass the time.”

“You know what, yeah, Sarah, I do.” Cosima followed Sarah back to the bedroom, unwilling to let her have the last word. “I do still love her. I literally owe her my life. But I’m not just gonna –“ 

Sarah slumped onto the bed, suddenly shrinking into herself, trapped under the impact of Cosima’s words. 

Cosima quieted momentarily. “Hey. Sarah. Look at me.” The eyes that met hers were those of a wounded animal. “I’m not just gonna run away with her the moment she comes back, okay? I love her because we have a history. But I love _you_ because of what we have right now. Or, had, maybe, if I messed it up. She’s…Delphine and I are done. For good this time.” Cosima sank onto the bed next to Sarah, suddenly afraid to meet her eyes. “Do you believe me?”

The silence stretched taut without breaking. Cosima flopped back onto the bed, pressing her palms to her eyes to keep tears from escaping. Her hands shook. _This could be the end. This was the best thing that could have happened to you, and one look at Delphine and you’ve fucked it all up, Niehaus. What were you thinking? She’s never gonna –_

“Cos?” 

The voice was so quiet Cosima almost mistook it for the creak of the old building’s beams. She opened her eyes, blinking in the sudden light. Something tight and cold constricted in her chest.

“Yeah?”

Another long beat of silence. Without warning, Sarah turned to face her, holding her gaze steady for the first time all day. “You…you said you loved me.”

Cosima’s stare lasted only a beat before the force of a booming laugh exploded out of her. She shook with the force of it as tears leaked from her eyes. 

“Sarah Manning, you absolute idiot.” Cosima choked the words out past another laugh, scooting herself closer to Sarah and snaking a hand behind her neck to bring their faces closer. “Of course I love you. How could I not?”


	15. Epilogue: Something New

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This final chapter is dedicated to each and every one of you who left comments on this work. I can't tell you how much you have encouraged me, and how much all of the support this fic has received means. Thank you all for everything. I am beyond blessed (:

Sarah groaned and rolled slowly back across the bare mattress. The two clones lay side by side, breathing in unison, the empty room bathed in a golden glow from the shaft of afternoon light slicing through the window. Sarah closed her eyes and let herself sink into the softness, her fingers fumbling beside her in search of Cosima’s hand and lacing their fingers together. Cosima’s thumb traced soft shadows against the back of her hand.

“Well.” Cosima’s voice was soft with wonder. “That was new.”

“Yeah?” Sarah rolled onto her side, her head cradled on her elbow. She brought their entwined fingers up to her mouth and pressed a kiss to the back of Cosima’s hand.

“Yeah.” Cosima turned her head against the pillow and flashed a small, satisfied smile. “It’s less feeling here…”- she waved her free hand wildly over her hips – “and more… everywhere.”

Sarah’s brow furrowed slightly. “Still good though?” 

Cosima laughed, rolling onto her side and tangling their limbs together once more, her fingers sliding over the back of Sarah’s neck and leaving goosebumps in their wake as she pulled her in for a deep kiss. Her voice was low and breathy as they broke apart. “ _Very_ good.”

Sarah grinned, nestling herself even closer to Cosima, the two of them holding each other in the golden afternoon light. 

A flash of light caught Sarah’s eye. She peered over Cosima’s shoulder as her phone lit up with a text message. She huffed a long sigh. “Guess we should probably get dressed, yeah? They’ll be here soon.” 

“Mmm.” Cosima hummed, her eyes still closed. “How about you go and I just stay here and sleep?”

Sarah laughed as she untangled herself from Cosima, pressing a quick kiss to her head as she slid to the edge of the mattress and stood and surveyed the room. The fading light illuminated piles of boxes stacked along the walls, the disassembled bedframe spread out on the floor where they’d abandoned the task in favor of christening the new mattress. She dressed quickly, hoping to be able to show some progress in unpacking the new house before the family arrived. 

“Hey, Sarah?” On the bed, Cosima was sleepily tugging a sweater over her head. “You mind grabbing the chair for me when you get a sec?” 

“Course.” Sarah’s fingers stilled where they’d been roughly combing her wild mane back into submission. She frowned down at Cosima. “… you alrigh’?”

“Fine! Just tired.” A devilish smirk crossed her lips. “You took it out of me is all.” 

Sarah laughed and finished taming her hair. Cosima’s wheelchair was parked near the front door where she’d left it in favor of her crutches, just as she had most days at the Rabbit Hole. Sarah could hardly remember the last time she’d seen her use the wheelchair at home – she was equal parts flattered and concerned. 

“Thanks!” Cosima smiled as Sarah steered the chair back through the bedroom door, seeming much more awake than a moment ago. She reached up to take Sarah’s offered hands and found herself tugged nearly off her feet, tumbling forward into Sarah’s arms. The two grinned at one another, nose to nose, suddenly giddy with the reality of their new living situation. The sound of a knock at the front door broke their reverie. 

Sarah huffed a laugh. “Well – here we go!”

*

“Okay, I think this one goes into part B… which one is part B?” Sarah knelt on the floor of Kira’s new bedroom at the center of a maelstrom of flat pack furniture parts. Kira combed through the various shapes spread out on the floor and handed the correct one to her mother. 

“Thanks, babes.” Sarah smiled at her daughter. “This new bed’s gonna look pretty cool when we’re done, yeah? Whaddya think?”

Kira nodded and flashed a smile that faded quickly from her face. She watched pensively as Sarah grumbled over the furniture instructions. 

“Hey mum?” Kira’s voice was softer and more hesitant than Sarah had heard it since she was small. She looked up in concern.

“Yeah, love?”

Kira picked up one of the loose screws from the pile in front of her and turned it in her fingers. “Are we gonna live here forever?”

Sarah frowned at the sudden question. “I don’t know, babe. Maybe.” She held her hands out to her daughter. “Come here.”

Kira obliged, picking her way over the debris and crawling into her mother’s lap. Sarah wrapped her arms tightly around her for a moment, resting her head against Kira’s soft curls. 

“Are you nervous about leaving S’s?” Sarah did her best to keep her voice even, making it clear that any answer was acceptable. “You know we’re gonna take it slow, and we can still have sleepovers there with Uncle Felix too.”

Kira grinned at the suggestion and shook her head. “I know. I’m not nervous about that. But – are we gonna live with Auntie Cosima forever?”

Sarah was certain Kira had felt the shock that ran through her at that question, but did her best to disguise it regardless. “I really don’t know,” she murmured into Kira’s hair. “How do you feel about her living with us?”

The sound of the front door opening and overlapping voices floated in from the living room. Kira nodded against Sarah’s chest and smiled. “I like it.” She wiggled in Sarah’s lap, turning so that they were face to face and staring into Sarah’s eyes with a startling wisdom. Her voice was clear and measured. “You’re… different when she’s here. Happier. I like it.”

Sarah felt as if she’d been slapped by the simple words. The sudden shadow of a very pregnant Helena appearing in the doorway distracted Kira before Sarah could swallow her shock.

“Little Kira,” Helena sang in her gravelly voice, pausing to lean against the doorframe and smile down at them. “The cousins Hendrick are here!”

Kira burst into a grin and bolted out of Sarah’s lap. She paused in the doorway, nearly bouncing with excitement. “Mom, can I show them the basement?!”

Sarah regained her composure and smiled at her daughter’s excitement. “’Course you can, babe. Have fun!”  
Helena lumbered into the room as Kira scampered out of it, her swollen belly hidden in what appeared to be one of Donnie’s old college sweatshirts. She lowered herself onto a pile of boxes with a grunt. One inquisitive eyebrow cocked upward as she settled herself. “Basement?”

“Not what you’re thinking.” Sarah shook her head and glanced back down at the instructions laid out in front of her. “It’s finished. Carpet, drywall, all that. Pretty nice, actually.” She swallowed down a lump of guilt. “Not like S’s.”

Helena nodded, apparently satisfied. She pointed to the pieces in front of her. “You are needing help?”

“Nah.” Sarah shook her head and tossed the instructions back to the floor. “We’ll let Alison try her luck, she’s good with this shit.” Sarah stood and brushed the dust from her jeans before reaching down to help Helena up. “How about we give you the tour of the new place?”

She led Helena down the hall, through the living room where Cosima was holding her own against Felix in a heated debate over the placement of one of his paintings on the wall. Siobhan smirked at their familial bickering from the kitchen, where she presided over dinner simmering on the stove while Alison calculated the perfect cabinet location for each and every piece of dishware. The sound of the kids’ giggles floated up the basement stairs. Sarah paused for a moment in the middle of it all, her heart swelling up with a sense of something she could not name. Is this how it felt to be... home?

Helena’s hand landing softly against her arm brought Sarah back into the moment. She turned to face her sister, her eyes giving away the emotion that squeezed in her chest. Helena smiled. Sarah knew she understood.

“Anyway.” Sarah cleared her throat. “This is my room, and then down the hall there is Cosima’s.”

“Mmm.” Helena glanced at Sarah thoughtfully for a moment. “I do not think she will be spending much time in there, though, yes?”

Sarah stumbled back as though she’d been hit. Helena smiled softly and reached for Sarah’s hand, moving slowly as though trying to soothe a spooked mare.

“Do not be afraid, sestra.” Helena’s voice was warm and level. “It is not hard to see that Cosima is special to you. You and me, we grew together. We were born together. That is why we are sestras. You and Alison, you fight with each other and for each other. That is why you are sestras. You and Cosima…” She cocked her head slightly, looking at Sarah inquisitively. “Perhaps it is different. Perhaps it is… something else?”

Sarah swallowed the dry lump in her throat. She stared at Helena with wide eyes for a long moment before nodding slowly. Her voice came out in a hoarse whisper. “I don’t… I don’t know what it is.”

Helena smiled. “We are new, yes? We are the first science babies. Maybe this is something new too.” Her gaze sharpened for a moment. “You love her, yes?”

“Yes.” On this, Sarah’s voice did not waver. Helena’s earlier grin returned.

“Good. That is all you need to know.”

*

“There you are.” Sarah slid the sliding glass door closed behind her, lungs filling with the unexpected crispness of the evening air. Across the deck, Cosima leaned against the railing, staring up at the sky. She gave no indication of having heard her. Sarah smiled and paused for a moment, taking in the gentle symphony of evening sound and the soft fascination that graced Cosima’s face as her eyes traced the contour of the stars. 

Sarah crossed the deck and leaned her elbows against the railing beside Cosima, matching her pose exactly. “Hey,” she murmured softly.

“Hey,” Cosima answered in a dreamy voice. It was a long moment before she turned to look at Sarah. 

“Lost in thought?” 

Cosima smiled and turned her head skyward again. She nodded. “When am I not?” 

Sarah grinned and slid closer to Cosima, their shoulders resting softly against each other. “More Buckingham Whatever-his-name-was?”

Cosima snorted and bumped her hip against Sarah’s. “Buckminster Fuller. And no, not this time.” She turned her body to face Sarah, her fingers resting gently against the cool skin of Sarah’s forearm. “I thought… I thought I was gonna die, that night I told you about that. I think I kinda did, actually.”

“I know.” Sarah stepped closer to Cosima, eyebrows knit with concern.

“But now…” Cosima swallowed the emotion bubbling to the surface. “I just… I never thought I’d have this. Never thought _we’d_ have this.”

Sarah grinned, her own eyes filling at the thought of how far they’d come. She hooked her hand securely behind Cosima’s elbow as though scared to let her go. Cosima held her gaze for a long moment, trusting Sarah to understand what she could not find the words to express. 

“Speaking of all this…” Sarah broke the silence. “Helena knows about… us.”

Cosima’s eyes opened in alarm. “What? How?”

“Dunno.” Sarah shrugged halfheartedly. “You know how she is. She just… knows me, I guess.”

Cosima nodded thoughtfully. “What did she say?”

“She said…” Sarah sighed, bewildered by the sudden butterflies in her stomach. She looked anywhere but Cosima’s gaze. “She said we were something new.”

Cosima’s grin lit up her whole face. She closed the last of the distance between them, wrapping her arm around Sarah’s back and pulling her close, their faces a mere heartbeat apart. “Is that what this is? Something new?”

Sarah grinned and leaned in to answer her the best way she knew how.


End file.
